| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | October 24, 1999 22:43 PDT |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- October 25, 1999 |
| --==
Top5 Presents
==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ What the hell are you looking at? ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== Get your music for a lot less at PLAY from Columbia House. Get 12 CDs FOR FREE when you join the Club. Plus, you can take 2 MORE FREE when you take a 13th selection for only $6.95. And, with our low, Members-only prices, your savings never stop! Start picking your FREE CDs now... Columbiahouse NOTE FROM CHRIS: Folks, this is one of the best offers anywhere. 15 Cds for only $6.95??? That's less that $0.50 EACH!! =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] October 25, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== AT LEAST HE DIDN'T HIT ON THE ANDREWS SISTERS NEWARK, NJ (DPI) - Speaking before an adoring crowd of elderly war veterans, President Bill Clinton unleashed a torrent of humorous one-liners and hilarious celebrity impressions that had the giddy oldsters literally falling out of their chairs. "He was really 'on' today, by Neddy Jingo!" enthused Marlon Thorpe, 82, who stormed the beaches of Normandy fully two years before the president was born. "His Elvis impression is tops with me! I had to empty my bag twice, and I'm usually a once day kind of guy!" The occasion was the dedication in Haskataway, New Jersey, of an eternal flame in honor of veterans of all 20th Century American wars. The memorial was built using funds raised by VFW Local 287. "He's another Uncle Miltie," crowed toothless Lester Edwards, 75. "I lost an arm and several toes to frostbite in the Battle of the Bulge. I used to think that my country didn't appreciate me, but notice that I got into this wonderful show for free. Now I know that my sacrifice was worth it. I'm still laughing. I give it one thumb up, which in my case is high praise--I only *have* one thumb!" Most eloquent of all was the oldest man present, 101-year-old John Thompson, who trembled with emotion when asked about the President's performance. Unable to hear or speak because of shell shock suffered in the trenches of World War I, Mr. Thompson managed to scrawl an appreciative note on the back of his program from the show. It read: "I had not laughed since 1918. Until today. I am deaf, but you don't have to hear in order to appreciate this fellow's meaning. It works equally well as pantomime, believe me. Bob Hope did nothing for me, but this young pompadour has awakened my soul. There is hope for America." Asked to comment on the rousing reception that his act received, Mr. Clinton said humbly, "You know, as good as it was, this was just a tune-up. We have a few more gigs like this in the sticks, but the big event will be my speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Washington, D.C." - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ DOLE RECONSIDERS CANDIDACY SALISBURY, NC (DPI) - Elizabeth Dole, who just last week ended her candidacy for the Republican Presidential nomination due to a shortage of funds, announced she was reconsidering that decision after the discovery of a large revenue source. "It's really quite odd," said Ms. Dole. "I got back to Kansas, began to relax, and as I was preparing for a bath I found over $30 million dollars in uncashed checks cascading from my hairdo." Ms. Dole said that over the course of the campaign, she would absentmindedly store hand-delivered checks in her sprawling byzantine hairdo. "I guess I just forgot." "It's ironic," continued Ms. Dole, "because I would have discovered it only days later when the men who work on the Washington Monument restoration were schedule to do some re-facing work on my 'Do. I guess fate was playing one of its cruel jokes." Ms. Dole expects to announce her final decision tomorrow morning after her shampoo, primer, and shellacking. - Reported by Jim Rosenberg (Mr. Monologue: mrmonologue) ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ MAN SEVERELY INJURES PRIDE DURHAM, NC (DPI) - In a rare procedure, Duke University medical specialists worked overnight to restore the pride of California resident Pete Carling. Mr. Carling was hospitalized with severe pride damage, a slight head wound, and dehydration related to an exercise accident at the gym yesterday. Chief Pride Restoration Specialist Max Waxman explains, "As a rule, when an individual hurts or sprains their pride, it doesn't require medical attention, just time to heal. But Mr. Carling's case was so extreme that he was flown straight to us." According to eyewitnesses, the 41-year-old Carling was running on the treadmill at his normal pace when what was described as a "knockout brunette" took the treadmill beside him. In an apparent effort to keep pace with the unnamed woman, Carling increased the speed of his treadmill to the point where he began to exhibit signs of light-headedness and weakening of the knees. "He was going way too fast for him," confirmed gym employee Ralph Webster. "I asked him if he was all right, but he told me he always ran that fast. But that's not true." Carling's recklessness quickly led to tragedy. Lightheaded from the pace, Carling lost his digestional control and began passing gas in loud extended bursts. Webster describes: "Braaaaaaaaaaap. Braaaaaaaaap. Braaaaaap. Like a foghorn on crack." The gaseous Carling then lost his balance, falling to his knees before being unceremoniously rolled off back of the treadmill "like a sack of gas-expelling potatoes." As eyewitnesses told paramedics later, the "braapping" sound became even more extended and "moist." "It was like a car wreck. There were 60 people gathered watching him flop about like a fish making that terrible 'braapping' noise from his... you know. I considered knocking him out to spare him the humiliation" the gym employee related. Once admitted to the local hospital, doctors realized his pride was damaged far beyond the ability of their medical team to repair. Carling was stabilized, then shipped to the Duke Medical Center. "He'll pull through" Dr. Waxman explains "but recovery for this kind of complete pride reconstruction takes time. In his case, hurting his pride in front of so many people he knows, but particularly that hotty on the other treadmill, it may require a rehabilitation method similar to the Witness Protection Program. We may have to perform a micro-lobotomy and remove the memory engrams. At this point it is hard to tell." Per doctor's orders, Carling is in a chemical-induced sleep for the next 16 days. - Reported by Davejames ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ EARTHQUAKES ROCK THEIR WORLD LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Scientists in California, not happy with the destruction caused by an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter scale that opened a 25-mile fissure in the Earth's surface, are generating explosions underneath the ground there. These explosions are part of a plan to study fault lines in California so that predicting earthquake earthquakes will be easier. Vladimir Russkey, lead geologist on the project, gave this statement at a press conference: "Stupid squirrel and moose; oh sorry, where was I? Oh yes. With explosions we have performed we now have enough information to complete master pl... I mean to accurately predict next earthquake in California. But we have not performed all tests. Soon we will blast California off U.S. map..I mean we will be able to predict earthquakes weeks in advance. When nuclear missles get here from Mother Russ... I mean when our new equipment arrives from former Soviet Union, we will begin a new series of tests. But as I said, earthquake prediction is getting much easier. In fact, in few seconds, big earthquake come here!" With that statement, Vladimir donned a camouflage helmet and leaped under a table. As predicted, an earthquake soon shook the room. Barely measuring on the scale, very little damage was done. When asked how he knew, Vladimir said "Damn Russian-made bombs!" - Reported by Keith Sanvidge =================================================================== Remember these? * The Top 5 Income Sources Listed on Barbie's Tax Return * The Top 9 Signs You're Losing Your Hair * The Top 18 Signs That Ronald McDonald is Growing Up * The Top 20 Movie Sequels Nobody Wants to See * The Top 15 Good Things About Going to Hell * The Top 16 New Candy Bars Rejected By Hersheys It's Top5Classic: comedy gold from the vaults of Top5. Classic lists will be sent out each weekday, starting next Monday. Read all the best Top 5 Lists again -- FREE! To subscribe, send e-mail to: Top5Classic-@topica.com =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== MILITARY RESCUES MORE SCIENTISTS FROM POLE, THEN *SENDS THEIR SORRY ASSES BACK* SOUTH POLE (DPI) - Air Force personnel shoved a group of scientists out of their transport plane's escape hatch over the South Pole, after first picking them up in a daring rescue attempt. After seeing their colleague rescued from the Pole to seek treatment for cancer, this group radioed home that they were suffering from a life- threatening case of "Hypofrigidia." Members of the 673rd Hot Dog Brigade volunteered to attempt a risky rescue flight, but were enraged when they learned the group was suffering from what in layman's terms can best be described as "It's Cold As ---- Down There Syndrome." One of the rescued scientists, Dr. Sunny Rumdrink, explained, "I'm st-st-st-studying the G-G-G-Greenhouse Effect, for Stu's sake! I wanted to go to T-T-Tahiti to study the effect at the Equator, but n-n-nooooo. I get assigned to the South f-f-f-friggin' Pole! Screw that! So when they rescued that woman for medical reasons, Ray came up with a Latin term we thought could get us the hell out of h-h-here." Dr. Ray Bans, himself studying the effect of prolonged exposure to sunlight, stated, "Does this l-l-look like a t-t-tan to you?! How cold do we have to be b-b-before we're sick enough to rescue? Till we turn into E-E-E-Elizabeth Dole?!" - Reported by Probe Political Correspondent Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== A NEW mOoOn AND A SOLUTION HDF, PUTZ (DPI) - Having published my last submission to the Probe in March, a self-help piece titled "10 Reasons You Should Not Store Uranium in Your Codpiece," I left on sabbatical. The large white Taxi was surpassingly Spartan in its options but the service was A-1. I was given a dinner jacket and, although it was a few sizes too small, its construction was superior. My two chauffeurs were dressed to the 9's as well with white being the color of the day. In fact I was so comfortable I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I was being wheeled into a marble castle in paradise. The Island of Putz was in the middle of monsoon season so I never got to go out too much and that is good, because from what I could tell just from the Taxi to the immense iron door, the air smelled like hot pretzels and dog squatage. Monsoons sure do stink. It turns out that the Hotel de Frutasia is a wildly popular place. I met celebrities like you wouldn't believe. But what does this have to do with the news you ask? Nothing... nothing whatsoever...but...I would like to thank Publishing Magnate Chris White for picking me up at the airport...And now the news... Researchers have released a six-year $100+ million-dollar study investigating why an oil tanker sunk and broke up, spilling 1.2 million barrels of oil along the pristine Oregon coast. Exhaustive research involving tides, Bobby Hull, sun spots, age spots, false radar signals, soft money, silicone breast implants, El Nino, and Linda Tripp has led to uncovering the truth. The reason for the large ship's demise is the large gaping hole in the hull caused when the ship slammed into the pristine Oregon coast. This startling revelation set in motion a wave of legislation directed at the oil companies' shipping methods to ensure that a tragedy like this never happens again. Bill 1: All coasts will be lined with old tires. Bill was sponsored by Floyd Firestone's Used Radials.com Bill 2: Large oil-carrying ships will remain far at sea and the oil will be brought in on Sea-Doo's and Wave Runner's in 5-gallon containers. Bill was sponsored by Chester's Water World in Peabody Mass. Bill 3: Roseanne Barr will be rendered down into natural oils. This one step should engorge our oil supplies and make us oil independent until solar energy is efficient enough. Bill was sponsored by Tom Arnold for President Foundation of the Reform Party Bill 4: We make oil a controlled substance and IT will find a way across the borders. Bill sponsored by Juan Valdez Bill 5: We will strap it to penguins and fly it where we want it. Bill sponsored by Dan Quayle Instead, the Supreme Court made it unconstitutional for a coastline to in anyway impede or waylay an oil tanker. Called in by Ambergris mOoOn Formally of Block C, Living Space 8 Hotel de Frutasia Putz =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |