| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | October 29, 1999 10:32 PDT |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- October 29, 1999 |
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Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== ShagMail.com has the most fun you can get in your email box! *** Visit our site and see what it's all about *** * Jokes * Horoscopes * Quotes * Brain Teasers * Sports * Music * Dear Abby * Recipes * Bizarre News * Trivia BONUS - FREE video drawing each week. =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] October 29, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== V.P. ANNOUNCES GOREPOINTS 2000 PROGRAM WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - In a desperate move to keep up with cash-rich Republican presidential frontrunner George W. Bush, Al Gore today announced "Gorepoints 2000," an affinity-based marketing program designed to raise badly needed campaign funds. For every one dollar donated to the Gore campaign, the donor receives a Gorepoint good towards deals at the following campaign partners: * Peking vacation getaway packages * Superfund "Super Fun" Work-n-Play weekends * Confiscated sexually explicit albums * Cigarettes and loose tobacco The program also works in reverse. Donors may simply show their GoreCard at any participating member and earn points toward the political favor of their choice, including: * Presidential apology for perceived wrong of their choice * Alan Greenspan gets your credit card rate lowered * Secret Service checks out your daughter's prom date * The Gore daughter of your choice Gorepoints 2000 details are available at grocery story displays and mini-marts everywhere. - Reported by Jim Rosenberg ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ SUPER UNGAINLY VEHICLE (SUV) DETROIT, MI (DPI) - What do these have in common: Big Ass Station Wagon (BASW). Trucky Looking Mini-Van Station Wagon Thing (TLMST). I Can't Believe It's A Station Wagon! (ICBIASW)? An internal memo leaked to the Daily Probe by an employee of one of the Big Three Automakers shows that anyone of these could have been the name for the increasingly popular Sport Utility Vehicle (SUV). The memo shows that automakers were becoming increasingly frustrated by male resistance to the updated model of the station wagon, the mini-van, and needed to sell a large expensive vehicle for the whole family. "These Boomer dads acted like they were handing over their balls" the auto insider explained. "How were they going to pretend their teenage daughter's friends could still dig them when they were driving in a mini-van?" But one trip to visit a NAFTA auto plant in Baja Mexico solved their dilemma. According to the memo, three burly farmers were spotted riding around in a station wagon. But not any station wagon; a unique vehicle raised 10 feet in the air by a hydraulic "lift kit." "It was at the same time the most splendid and ridiculous thing ever seen" the insider gushed. "At that moment we realized all we had to do was make a big gas guzzling station wagon and the mid-life crisers would flock. Especially if we gave it a vaguely tough name like 'Sport Utility Vehicle. And women, who currently make up 60% of SUV drivers, are smarter than men anyway. They would know a good Girl Scout troop- hauling vehicle when they saw one no matter what you called it." There was only one more obstacle in the automakers way: the environment. At 2.2 freeway and ecosystem destroying miles per gallon, it didn't fit in with the conserve the planet ideology of most Boomers. Or so they thought. The insider laughs "We almost forgot how full of ---- Boomers were, then we remembered the greed-fueled 80s. If we made these things crazily expensive status symbols by marking them up 100% then we'd have them eating out of our hand. Hell, I actually had one woman rationalize it by telling me the height of the bumper makes it easier for other cars to read her 'Think About the Children. Recycle' bumper sticker. What a hoot." Is there any end to this fad in sight? "This Summer gas was $2.75 a gallon in California, and we couldn't keep these things on the lot. You do the math." - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== Holiday season is almost here! Where are YOUR customers? Advertise your product to the 100,000 people who subscribe to our different lists! For info and current rates, visit topfive advert or send a message to sal-@topfive.com =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== WOOLY BULLY MOSCOW, RUSSIA (DPI) - With the discovery of the first intact skeleton of a Wooly Mammoth, scientists plan to extract some DNA in an attempt to clone the prehistoric pachyderm. After DNA strands are pulled from the fossil, the skeleton will be sold to the highest bidder. The skeleton is on sale over the Internet, and is expected to go for $100,000 to $200,000. In an unofficial survey about the skeleton, its cloning, and its auctioning, these responses were gathered: "Please don't quote me on this," said Bill McKenzie of Pantaloon, Ohio, but "I think the cloning of this thing is a great idea. God obviously killed these things for a reason...so we could clone them and make big bucks off them! Maybe it'll be on a 'Geraldo' special!" "I wish you people would just leave me alone. I don't *want* to be probed!" "I don't think we will have any problems if we clone these things. See, I just cloned this perfectly harmless pit vipe....AAAH!!!!!!!" "Mambo? Hey man isn't that that killer song by Lou Begga? They're selling it over the internet? Whoa man, I know where you can download that thing for free." "I think the scientists shouldn't play God. In fact, I know the scientists shouldn't play God, because *I* am god. DIE INFIDELS!!!" - Reported by Keith Sanvidge =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== I LEFT MY WITS IN SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO, CA (DPI) - Injured 49er's quarterback Steve Young, 38, showed his fighting spirit today when he announced that he would definitely return to the field this season despite a series of concussions. "I'll be back... you'll see. Probably this month, hut-hut... week... I mean," said the gridiron hero. He went on to say, "Um... right. You'll see... I'll be back... hut." He then weakly tossed a handful of aspirin tablets over his shoulder and poured a glass of water down the front of his shirt. Young's team of neurologists explained to reporters that none of Young's injuries, taken individually, would be considered serious; however, the cumulative effects of many such blows to the head have been known to cause symptoms similar to Parkinson's disease. The doctors showed a stop-motion video of Muhammad Ali's near self-immolation at the 1996 Olympic torch-lighting ceremony as an illustration of one possible result of taking too many shots to the head in pursuit of sporting glory. Asked about the possibility of permanent brain damage, Young grinned gamely and said, "Back... soon. Blue 90... go long... hut... hut... hut-hut... I mean hut." - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ ONE, TWO, STRIKE THAT, YOU'RE OUT AT THE OLD BALL GAME ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - For our readers who missed it, here is a transcript of Jim Gray's controversial interview with Pete Rose: GRAY: Pete, with that warm reception, and the forgiveness of baseball fans, do you want to take this chance to admit your mistake and apologize? ROSE: Hell no! I never wore those ugly-ass shoes! I loved Nicole! GRAY: Um, but what about all the overwhelming evidence in the Dowd Report? ROSE: That was planted by the LAPD, man. Anyway, she made me do it. GRAY: Listen, you -------! I'm talking about gambling. Admit you gambled on the Reds! Don't make me beat it out of you! ROSE: The glove don't fit! You must acquit! Um, I mean, what glove? GRAY: I've got you by the balls, now, Rosey boy. Confess or it's soprano time. ROSE: You confess! You killed Ron and Nicole! You're the real killer! GRAY: Uh... you want to come back to my place? ROSE: I thought you'd never ask. GRAY: Hush, now. - Reported by Probe Political Correspondent Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ TRIBAL LEADERS PETITION MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL INDIAN LAKE, NY (DPI) - Leaders of the North American Native American tribes today petitioned Major League Baseball to strip the Atlanta Braves of their offensive team name. "What a ------- embarrassment," said spokesperson Chief Big Apple. "I mean, could these guys please show up for once?" The tribal council has asked that either the name "Braves" be switched with the hot-hitting Yankees or the up-and-coming Arizona Diamondbacks. "The Braves simply cannot do ---- in the postseason. In my tribe, we call Bobby Cox 'Loses with Talent.'" Apple continued that his organization felt the same way about the Cleveland Indians. "Are you serious? Justice lets Halle Berry simply walk away? What the hell kind of message does that send to our young people?!?!" - Reported by Jim Rosenberg =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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