| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | October 31, 1999 22:28 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- November 1, 1999 |
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==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ I got a rock ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== $15 OFF PURCHASES FROM PETOPIA.COM! Treat your pet to $15 off all the food, toys & treats your pet desires when you purchase $25 or more! Petopia.com, the Internet Pet Paradise, has everything you need to keep your pet happy & healthy! Visit now! Offer expires soon! petopia =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 1, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== GREENSPAN LOWERS V-NECKS WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan today announced a two-inch lowering of women's v-necks. "The Fed is adopting a policy of loosening the cleavage supply to raise inflationary presure, if you know what I mean, heh-heh!" said a visibly aroused Greenspan as a fuming Andrea Mitchell looked on in disgust. President Clinton declined to say whether he approved of the measure, but a White House spokesperson said, "Bubba's down." - Reported by Jim Rosenberg mrmonologue ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ SEASON-DEPRIVED GROUP DEMANDS END TO HATE HONOLULU, HI (DPI) - A group chanting, "We're here, we're warm all year, and we're in your face!" marched on City Hall today and picketed for several hours to protest the plight of a neglected minority: people who live in temperate zones where there is no discernible difference between the seasons. "We're tired of being treated like second-class citizens," said the group's leader, Mua'auhahoo Hohohahaheehee. "American society is totally based on changes in the weather, which we don't have here. Seasonists run everything." Hohohahaheehee pointed to economic opportunities that are denied the residents of warm climes such as Honolulu's. "Look at the North and Midwest on the continent. You've got government-subsidized snowplows, which means you've got jobs for drivers and mechanics. We get none of that kind of action here, but we pay taxes too, you know. 'Island paradise'? This place is more like 'Island Hell'." A young woman protester, Weeweeleelee Wawayahyahyoyo, carried a sign bearing the slogan, "Seasonists Are Mean" along with a drawing of a fish. She echoed Mr. Hohohahaheehee's sentiments, and added a complaint about the unfairness of the educational system. "I wanted to go to an Ivy League school," she said. "But the SAT was rife with Seasonist cultural bias. The language part was just full of references to Winter, Spring, snowmen, sleds, bobbing for apples, mittens, hayrides, and all that bourgeois Seasonist crap. Say you're from Maine, then you would do great on that test. It's like all that stuff is part of your life, you didn't have to learn it. But for me it was like reading a foreign language. The math part was fair. OK, I failed the math part, too, but I'm not good at math. I'm definitely suing the SAT people and Harvard for what they've done to me." Hohohahaheehee added, "Sister Wawayahyahyoyo is right. We also want to take the media and the entertainment industry to task for their support of the Seasonist hegemony. It's everywhere: movies, TV, music. Whole sections of the newspaper devoted to Fall Festivals here, and Spring Cleaning sales there. The Farmer's Almanac is the Rosetta Stone of these McCarthyite hatemongers. Look at Carole King's 'You've Got a Friend.' Beautiful tune,beautiful sentiment, until she gets to the line, 'Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, All you've got to do is call.' What is that? Why does it have to be all about seasons? She's snubbing us, and it hurts." The group plans another protest to coincide with the opening of the Winter Olympics in Utah, a boycott of Carole King, and a lobbying effort to pass federal legislation prohibiting discrimination against Seasonless-Americans. Carole King could not be reached for comment. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ DEMONS RUIN PARTY VENTURA, CA (DPI) - A local Halloween Party was marred by violence this weekend when a group of demons arrived uninvited and slew 23 guests. According to investigators, the demons, identified as 678-year-old Blourmak the Destroyer, 1,455-year-old Valgath the Damned, and 51-year-old Gene Simmons of KISS, arrived at the house of Jane Sunderland early Sunday evening. Investigators believe Ms. Sunderland's Martha Stewart-like attention to detail in her decorations and party games too closely mimicked an actual occult ritual. Soon after the games started, the Great Sphincter of Darkness opened and expelled the demons onto her front porch. At this point, reportedly, they began their decapitation spree. Police Detective Kevin Leeds sighed, "Demons and their decapit- ations. It takes weeks to clean up the crime scene. And it's only getting worse. Since that show 'Bimbo the Vampire Killer,' or whatever it is, came on the air, instead of hauling ass like any sensible kid should do when faced with a demon, these kids go running after them to try to stick wooden ---- in their chests. Very stupid. Let me put it this way. The only thing stronger and more terrifying than a demon body odor is the demon." The demons have yet to be apprehended but Detective Leeds is confident. "There are only so many places they can hang out looking like they do: biker bars, S&M parlors, those kinds of places. It's fairly easy to zero in on them. And demons are sloppy; they destroy property and decapitate indiscriminately. It's literally as easy as following the body parts. We'll nab them, and soon." Meanwhile the Ventura Police have warned residents to avoid making contact with half-animal, half-human monstrous creatures with the souls of millions squirming in their belly. "They may not look like they're armed, but believe me, trying to apprehend one yourself can be extremely, extremely dangerous. Just call the Police as soon as you spot them, and move quietly away." The names and ages of the decapitated partygoers are being withheld until family members can identify what's left of the bodies. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== The Top 5 Reasons To Subscribe to Lockergnome 5> It's FREE -- Daily HTML or Weekly Text Digest. 4> Get the best Windows 95/98/NT downloads. 3> The editor is a geek with a sense of humor. 2> Because all of your friends already get it. and the Number 1 Reason To Subscribe to Lockergnome... 1> Do you really need another reason? Subscribe Free: lockergnome =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== AND THINK OF THE TRAFFIC THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS (DPI) - With the population having surpassed six billion on October 12, United Nations experts gathered this week to discuss just what impact this incredible number will have on the planet's resources and what can be done in response. After six days of often contentious discussion, the conference released a surprising, and destined to be controversial, multi-point program. We have highlighted some parts below: The Committee suggested striving for "zero growth" population by 2050, instituting, in part, these measures: - Introduction of free, preferably youth-oriented, cigarette programs and products into Third World countries. - Launch of a world-wide "It's Hip To Be Gay" campaign, featuring lovable gay mascots "Gaybee" and "Lesbee." - Send a delegation to the Vatican in an attempt to get the Pope to "cool it a bit" on the anti-birth control proclamations. - Ubiquitous, Orwellian images of Linda Tripp and Lyle Lovett to dampen sex drives. The Committee also suggested food resources could be increased before the year 2019 by: - Killing Marlon Brando. - Launching Marlon Brando into space. - Increasing impossible female images in the world-wide media, therefore creating more eating disorders in teenage girls globally. - Getting uneaten portions of vegetables from the plates of finicky North American children into the hands of starving Third Worlders more effectively. - Killing Marlon Brando by launching him into space. While some of the Conference's more controversial proposals were tossed out (Russia: drive life expectancy down by vodka-induced liver failure; China: run tanks over innocent crowds every few weeks), the proposals are still expected to meet resistance when taken up for a full UN Council vote early next month. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== IT AIN'T EXACTLY SCHINDLER'S LIST LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Interent portal firm Lycos, Inc. today announced it has purchased Kernersville, NC resident James Wayne Lee Ray's home page for $10 million. Wayne Lee Ray's page consists of a list of his ten favorite albums, eight of which are "Skynyrd" -- with the two others being "guys from Skynyrd." The only other material on the page is a blinking confederate flag and favorable textual references to "Genral (sic) Robert E. Lee." Lycos President M. Tee Suit indicated, "We are very excited by this partnership. Although Mr. Wayne Lee Ray's page provides no income and never will, we had no $10 million purchase slated for today and this fills a void." - Reported by Jim Rosenberg mrmonologue =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== GAME SHOW RACE IS JOINED HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Following on the heels of its ratings blockbuster "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," ABC today announced a new game show which will begin airing in early November -- "Who Wants To Nail Kathy Ireland?" Contestants will be asked a series of questions which, if answered correctly, entitle them to sexual favors with the naughty-looking Supermodel. Will they stay at --------, or go for coitus? It's all part of the mystery of "Who Wants To Nail Kathy Ireland?" Not to be outdone, CBS has a rival show slated for the spring season -- "Who Wants to Beat the Holy ---- Out of Geraldo Rivera?" - Reported by Jim Rosenberg mrmonologue =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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