| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | November 11, 1999 21:42 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- November 12, 1999 |
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Visit: bestquote =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 12, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== PANDA FRAUD SCANDAL REVEALED ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - Thousands of panda-besotted zoo visitors watched in horror today as a sudden rainstorm revealed the true identity of presumed panda bear Wang Wang, on loan from the world's dominant bear-loaners, the Chinese government: the exotic creature was discovered to actually be Lester the Juggling Bear, an ordinary though highly trained Tennessee Black Bear. The "panda" was cuddling its hairless newborn cub when the unexpected torrential downpour struck, washing away the white dye that had given Lester his faux-panda appearance. The crowd reacted loudly, and a chagrined Lester began juggling the infant bear, which was later revealed to be plastic. Zoo Atlanta director Terry Maple issued an apologetic statement, saying, "The pressure to bring these exotic Chinese bears to America is just tremendous. We have one on order for real, I swear, but we saw a chance to make a little green in the meantime. I mean, come on, from a distance Lester *was* Wang-Wang, at least as far as these dopes were concerned." The zoo's legal counsel later amended Mr. Maple's statement to read, "No comment." Lester's owner, Tennessee Bob "Boy Howdy" Clunt, spoke on condition of anonymity as he loaded Lester into a trailer for the ride back to Bob's Grizzly Ranch near Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. "I ain't done nothin' wrong, and Lester ain't neither. He's a paid professional and he did his job. Look at him, he misses his cub already." Zoo Atlanta plans to offer angry zoo visitors a free ticket to their Wild 'N' Hairy Chimpanzee Circle Jerk Extravaganza to make up for the fib, and they guarantee that the show does feature genuine chimpanzees genuinely jerking off in a natural manner. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== ABERRANT HUMAN LEAVES CITY FOR GOOD APE CITY (DPI) - Authorities announced today that they expect no more problems from the renegade talking human, Taylor, or "Bright Eyes" as he is known by his veterinarian handlers. The human, whose brain and vocal cords were surgically altered by animal specialists Zira and Cornelius to look as though he could talk and reason, ran amok Tuesday in the City Center, causing general mayhem with his animal antics and mimicry of speech. The dangerous and most likely rabid human escaped his captors and was last seen pounding the dirt on a beach deep in the Forbidden Zone yelling "Damn you!" All witnesses to the event have been told by authorities not to comment on the aberrant human's actions, but animal experts believe it to be a side effect of the criminal brain alteration. Dr. Zauis, who was kidnapped by the human, possibly in league with the renegade veterinarians, returned to Ape City yesterday evening apparently unhurt. Dr. Zauis also refused to comment on events, including the possibility of a heresy trial against Zira and Cornelius, and only "thanked the Law Giver" to be back in Ape City. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== I TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! REDMOND, WA (DPI) - In the wake of a sound ass-kicking by the Department of Justice and promise of further troubles to come, Bill Gates has spent an unimaginable sum, reportedly upwards of $10 billion, to hire a mascot/spokesperson guaranteed to better the beleaguered Microsoft's image -- Mahir, the Turkish Stud. Rumor has it that plans include replacing Word's infamous smirking paper clip with "Mahir's Helpful Schnozz." Error dialog windows will, rather than giving numerical error codes, simply say, "I KISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!" When asked to comment on his possible new position, Mahir responded with his typical vigor, saying, "I would be happy to be guest in homes of Microsoft users for I enjoy sex!!" As of press time, it was unknown whether Mahir's Shiny Jacket was also licensed by Gates, though industry insiders stick to their initial claim that it will become an integral part of the user interface. Word has it that the infamous "Blue Screen of Death" will soon be replaced by the "Rust-Colored Studly Sport Coat of Shining Computer Death." - Reported by Chris Walker =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== GET A NEXTCARD VISA, in 30 seconds! Get great rates as low as 2.9% intro or 9.9% fixed APR and no annual fee. Click here for more information: nextcard =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== RATINGS SCORCH BURNS BOSTON, MA (DPI) - Disappointed with low ratings for his latest documentary, Ken Burns announced today he is recutting the film "Elizabeth Cady Stanton" to attract a wider audience. The Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) special documented struggles of the early feminist leader and cohort Susan B. Anthony. Overnight polls indicated numbers of viewers watching Part I were dismal and nose-dived to a new industry low for Part II. According to network spokesperson, Marmalade Shaver, "The last time we saw numbers like this was on our Father's Day science special 'Men and Methane: That Stinks.'" Traditionally more women are highbrow PBS viewers than men, but even they flipped the remote control in record numbers. Naomi Wuff, feminist campaign advisor to Vice President Al Gore, denies that he was the lone male tuning in. Pointing out that competing networks lured male viewers with Monday Night Football opposite the stodgy documentary, photo- grapher Burns vowed to "broaden appeal and cross gender lines." Though denying rumors that Christie Brinkley's cleavage has been screen-tested for the remake, he noted, "We'll ditch the cow Stanton and re-release the documentary as 'Hot Babes of Seneca Falls.'" - Reported by Marsha Clodfelter =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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