| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | November 19, 1999 10:44 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- November 19, 1999 |
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For more info, go to ClubTop5 * The Ruminations List -- 5 short humorous quotes every weekday Send a blank message to: ruminations-@topica.com * Mr. Monologue -- Topical humor, a la Leno & Letterman Send a blank message to: monologue--@topica.com * The Whack Report -- hysterically funny true stories Send a blank message to: whack-su-@topica.com * The Kid Report -- funny stories about children Send a blank message to: kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 19, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== BUT DOES *ANYTHING* GROW WHEN HE LIES? WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - As the race for the Democratic presidential nomination thundered into the second furlong, diminutive former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich today announced his support for the candidacy of former senator Bill Bradley (Long Drink of Water - NJ). Reich, the son of an immigrant puppet maker from some nameless European fairy-tale-looking town, said in his announcement, "I felt some residual loyalty to Mr. Gore since he was my vice-boss, so to speak, but he just seemed too wooden. I have a thing about that. In the end, as always, I let my conscience be my guide." Since his resignation following the first Clinton term, Mr. Reich has been a college professor at Nehigh University. He also wrote a book, "Locked in the Cabinet," detailing the cruel jokes that government colleagues had played on him. Before his career in academia and government and then hot-foot back to academia, Mr. Reich was a stunt double for famous actor Charlie McCarthy. His second major job was as a product tester for McDonald's hamster-habitat playground equipment, where wounds inflicted on others by his hard shiny saddle oxfords prompted the famous "no shoes" policy that made McDonald's playgrounds the safest in the land. Mr. Bradley welcomed the endorsement, saying, "I welcome Bob's endorsement." In a statement that some view as a signal that Mr. Reich may have a place in any future Bradley administration, Mr. Bradley also said, "Bob brings a valuable new perspective to my campaign. I tend to focus on high-level issues, but he can keep me in touch with the grass roots. He can help me jockey for position as the race tightens up. He has the lowdown on labor, for sure. He is the wind beneath my knees." Campaign observers also saw a crew of workmen building a portable scaffold that would help Mr. Reich avoid a repeat of the embarrassment of having the presidential candidate hold him up to the microphone during campaign speeches. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ THE JOKE'S ON US WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - C-Span broadcast the annual Funniest Person in Washington contest over the weekend, as a pleasant distraction from Congress' holy crusade against the budget surplus. The evening started rather frighteningly when Bill Bradley was rushed to a hospital where doctors worked for over an hour to revive him, before discovering the Senator was just doing an impersonation of Al Gore's campaign. John McCain had the crowd roaring with a reprise of his famous five-year headlining act before a captive audience at the fabulous Hanoi Hilton, "Hu's the Warden, Angor Wat's My Target, and I Don't Know What We're Fighting For." The crowd seemed to enjoy Pat Buchanan's joke about the communist, the isolationist, and the bigot, until they realized he was just introducing his campaign staff. But the highlight of the evening was George W. Bush's hilarious bit about being qualified to be President. - Reported by Probe Political Correspondent Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Q: What's sticky, fun and makes paying bills easy? A: FREE Address Labels! (You pay just $1.45 S&H.) iPrint =================================================================== [ MORE DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== YOU BET YOUR LIFE HARTFORD, CT (DPI) - Tuesday, Harve Richards bet his own life against $200,000 of the Livingstone Life Insurance Company that he would die (by means other than suicide) before his 78th birthday. "Sure, it's a big gamble. But the $17.99 'premium' a month is nothin'. Hell, I spend that much on women's underwear in a week," Mr. Richards said. "And hey, if I die before I'm 78, I win! It's almost a sucker's bet." "Yes, we sold Mr. Richards a life insurance policy last week. Yes, we know it's gambling and thus may be considered illegal, but I can't believe Mr. Richards went for it! What a dupe!" a represent- ative from Livingstone Life Insurance Company said. "Mr. Richards is gonna live to be 78 like I'm gonna make my quota this year. He's such a rube! I bet you a non-smoking rider we can get him to go for double or nothing when he's 72. If he makes it that long. And with his propensity to consume almost superhuman amounts of sodium nitrate, that's statistically highly unlikely." The Attorney General's office could not be reached for a comment, but in 1993, a similar gambling scam involving automobile drivers and so-called "car insurance companies" ended with the resignation of the entire insurance advisory panel, their housekeepers, personal masseuses, and gardening staffs. - Reported by Martell Stroup ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BUT IT'S QUALITY TIME SAN FRANCISCO, CA (DPI) -- Abigail Blair's needs were simple and reflective of what every good parent wants: the San Mateo housewife hoped to buy her daughter's love by reinforcing a particularly close bonding experience through the time-honored means of mindless consumerism. The result: tragedy. Abigail and her daughter Minnimia Woodhull were splashed as a passing car's tires dashed through a water puddle while they were standing too near the curb. This poignant moment will remain only a memory, however, because of what happened next. Ms. Blair recalls: "Of course, after I dropped her off at day care and got back home I immediately surfed over to E-toys.com. I searched on 'splashed by a passing car.' I searched on 'standing on a curb, soaked to the skin and laughing.' I searched and searched, and E-toys failed to deliver the perfect toy. Their commercials are totally misleading. My daughter needs something bought for her and she needs it NOW! That is why I'm suing E-toys for $10,000,000 plus emotional distress." E-toys refused comment, but suggested Ms. Blair narrow her search to "Displaced Yuppie-With-Child Guilt." - Reported by Brian Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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