| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | November 22, 1999 13:34 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- November 22, 1999 |
| --==
Top5 Presents
==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Yes, dammit! That *is* my final answer! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! FREE Quote ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Now you can obtain the life insurance coverage that ensures your family's home and security at savings of 70% and more. Contact BestQuote.com for a free, instant rate comparison of five policies prepared specifically for you. BestQuote.com has helped over half a million people shop for insurance. bestquote =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 22, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== CRASH TAPE TRANSCRIPTS REVEAL A 3-HOUR TOUR WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - NTSB chairman James Hall has backtracked from an earlier statement he had made that the transcript of the cockpit voice recorder from doomed EgyptAir Flight 990 contained the voice of the co-pilot making what appeared to be a suicidal comment. The tape and the so-called "black box" recording device were recovered last week by the independent marine salvage firm of S & Li'l B, Inc. Much of the tape contained static. But that did not stop Hall and his crew from taking another stab at the recording's contents. Here is the part that the NTSB claims they were able to transcribe: (Static) VOICE 1: -t do you think this switch does, Skipper? VOICE 2: Don't touch that, Li'l Buddy! (Sound of hat-whacking) VOICE 1: Ow! Don't hit me Skipper. I just thought if it was still working we could listen to some of it. VOICE 2 (weary resignation): Gilligan, it's not like your boom box. It only records stuff. VOICE 1: Really? VOICE 2: Really. Now get back to swabbing the deck. There will be TV cameras when we get back to shore. VOICE 1: Golly! We're gonna be on TV? Aye-aye sir! Swabbing the deck right away sir! (Rapidly receding sound of deck shoes pounding away) VOICE 2: How did I get stuck with that moron? (static) Man alive, I'm hungry. What the... Whoa! WHHOOOOAAAAA!!!!! (Static) - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BUSH ENDORSES GOOD, ATTACKS BAD SIMI VALLEY, CA (DPI) - At a foreign policy speech at the Ronald Reagan Library, George W. Bush unexpectedly endorsed a third term for President Clinton. Much to the delight of the GOP audience, Bush announced that he favored not allowing U.S. troops to be placed under a U.N. commander, and that he would promise to defend Taiwan's independence from mainland China with U.S. forces. The White House immediately praised Bush's endorsement of U.S. policy and actions during President Clinton's administration. Bush responded, "Wow, you mean Clinton has already been doing everything I called for? I guess Clinton should keep being President, then. I've got to go back to Texas and learn how to read." The White House then released a statement reminding Bush that under the Constitution, President Clinton may not run for a third term, stating "Maybe your advisors can read the Constitution to you, or if need be, act it out with a puppet show or maybe a little dance." Bush then attended a multi-million-dollar fundraiser held by various agricultural corporations, at which he endorsed top-soil and viciously attacked "those bugs that eat the crops; you know, the icky ones. They're bad." At Vice President Gore's rally, meanwhile, Gore tried to lighten up his discussion of the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe by reciting it in iambic pentameter on the advice of new campaign consultant Gwyneth Paltrow. One attendee said, however, "It was all right, I guess, but I hear Bush has puppets!" - Reported by Probe Political Correspondent Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Q: What's sticky, fun and makes paying bills easy? A: FREE Address Labels! (You pay just $1.45 S&H.) iPrint =================================================================== [ MOTH FOUND! CONVINCED TO CONTINUE PROBELY DUTIES ] =================================================================== Message from the Editor: Moth returns!! After a painstaking search through the wine cellars of some of the world's finest eateries, the Probe's intrepid diarist has been found, slightly damp and befuddled, but none the worst for wear. Be on the lookout for this Wednesday's issue for the latest installment of Moth's Diary. =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== BASEBALL, APPLE PIE, AND BANKRUPTCY CINCINNATI, OH (DPI) - Saying it is the start of their new millennium, baseball's Cincinnati Reds today announced that they have traded their entire team for Ken Griffey Jr, at a guaranteed contract of $30 million a year for the next 20 years. "It's clear that Junior is the best player out there, and if you want to go to the World Series, you need the best players" said General Manager Jim Bowden. The Seattle Mariners, desperately in need of pitching, will be in a good position next year with Cincinnati's entire bullpen to work with, along with their current staff. "The Reds' pitchers had a great year, and along with all of their positional players, backups, bullpen catchers, waterboys, and coaches on our team, we should continue that momentum" said Lou Piniella, manager of the Mariners. It is not known how the Reds will be able to field a team with just Griffey playing the outfield, nor how they will ever make a profit after paying him $600,000,000, but according to an unnamed source, they expect to make their money by raising their hot dog prices to $75, and beer will now go for $125 for two ounces. "Baseball is the American game, and capitalism is as American as witch hunts, fad diets, and polluting the environment. What else could we do?" - Reported by Chris Troise =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== BOND GIRL BROKEN LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Sources reveal that actress Denise Richards, who plays Christmas Jones in the latest Bond film, "The World is Not Enough," bravely soldiered through the intense shooting schedule despite a broken acting bone. Ms. Richards reportedly broke her acting bone in script rehearsals while delivering the techno-heavy dialogue her nuclear physicist character calls for. The pain from the injury made it difficult for Richards to move about realistically or deliver her lines in anything but a stiff, wooden, emotionless fashion. However, always the professional, Richards refused to be replaced and labored through the shoot. In fact, this was not Richard's first case of such an accident: she has broken her acting bone several times before in films. Generally, careful editing and liberal use of nude scenes made it possible for Richards to get through without having to risk re-injury, which can be aggravated from even light to moderate emoting. Upon hearing about Richards' wounded effort, most industry insiders are surprised she would take such a risk. They say Richards need only look as far as Elizabeth Berkley, who battled with a weakened acting bone broken on her stint on television's "Saved By The Bell." Berkeley, not fully recovered, risked carrying the lead role of the film "Show Girls." Audiences cringed as they could actually hear her bone break on screen. Berkley was too severely damaged to ever return to film. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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