| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | November 28, 1999 20:12 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- November 29, 1999 |
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Top5 Presents
==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Thanksgiving 1999: America loosens its belt ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== Where should you go to find the funniest humor lists on the 'net? Funnylists, of course! funnylists =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 29, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== SUICIDE POSSIBILITY RAISES NEW CONCERN FOR AIR TRAVELERS WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Although the full truth about what happened on EgyptAir Flight 990 remains to be revealed, the possibility that *your* airliner's pilot may be hell-bent on self-destruction is a worrisome one for most airline travelers. "I mean, it's bad enough getting on a plane, anyway, thinking of all the things that could go wrong by accident," said frequent flier and chronic aerophobic Mort Wilberforce of Waterloo, Iowa, "without having to worry that some crackpot pilot is going to fly you into the ground because he's off his medication." Other fliers relate stories of troubling announcements from the flight deck before and during airline flights." I was on a plane for Denver to Seattle once," said one woman, "and the pilot started out very chatty and relaxed - like they always are, you know - but before too long he was telling us all about the problems he was having in his marriage and how his wife had left him that very day and taken their four daughters to go live at a lesbian farm in Idaho. Let me tell you, I get very nervous about flying with a pilot who's in tears just before he starts his takeoff roll." Another passenger told of how he was flying at 37,000 feet over Detroit last September when the pilot came on the intercom and launched into a diatribe against an old girlfriend who lived in that city, ending his tirade with the announcement that, "The idea of flying this great big bird right down the chimney of the house that evil ----- lives in is never very far away." Disability advocates were quick to defend airline pilots who are experiencing psychiatric or personal problems, and equally quick to warn airlines about taking what they consider to be punitive actions against pilots merely because they express suicidal thoughts or intentions. "They'd better believe they'll hear from our lawyers if they ground a pilot just because he or she says (to give one example) that he plans 'to end it all and take his passengers with him next time he goes up,'" cautioned Philo Mercator of the Center for Disability Law. The National Transportation Safety Board continues to wrestle with the final words of the EgyptAir co-pilot. "We've consulted with Arabic language experts," said one NTSB official, who declined to be identified, "and we've learned that the Arabic phrase spoken by the co-pilot before the autopilot was disengaged and the plane began diving toward the ocean sounds quite similar to phrases that have meanings widely different than the one most frequently mentioned in the press." Asked to provide examples, the official indicated that, "It can also mean 'I'm thinking of flying this great big bird right down the chimney of that house' as well as 'My wife just took our four daughters and moved to a lesbian farm in Idaho.'" - Reported by Brother Paul Somerville ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ GORILLA FRAUD REVEALED WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Just one week after his humiliating ouster from the panda habitat at Zoo Atlanta, Lester the Juggling Bear was discovered impersonating Mandara the Pregnant Ape at the National Zoo. Crowds had gathered in delighted anticipation as a heavily pregnant Mandara approached the observation area, lay on her back, and began huffing and chuffing in the characteristic Lamaze breathing style that signals birthing pains in most wild apes. However, when Mandara suddenly reached under her back and whipped out a suspiciously clean and fuzzy infant gorilla, then stood up and bowed with no apparent signs of post-partum distress, observers became suspicious. "It didn't seem natural," said one amateur gorilla- ologist in the crowd of onlookers. "I watch a lot of nature programs on TV, and I expected to see some pain, blood, and afterbirth. Instead we get a damn dancing bear." As happened when he was caught impersonating Wang Wang the panda at Zoo Atlanta last week, Lester began juggling his infant when he realized that his charade was not working. Fortunately, the "infant" was a Hallmark-brand Beanie Baby knockoff named Cloris Mapes. Zookeeper Lisa Wilson explained that the deception was necessary because the plan to borrow Mandara from the Milwaukee Zoo fell apart when 17-year-old Mandara left the zoo to enter a diversion program for pregnant teens. Ms. Wilson said, "I hope the program is working out for Mandara. She is making her own reproductive choices and I guess squeezing her baby out on a rock in front of a bunch of tourists somehow didn't appeal to her. But we had printed up a lot of posters and really talked this thing up. We were desperate." Lester's owner, Bob "Boy Howdy" Clunt, spoke on condition that we alter his quote slightly. "Lester's feelings are hurt right now. Back at the Grizzly Ranch in Tennessee he's a star, and he's used to getting lots of applause. This angry feedback is killing his confidence. I had to sauce him up real good with some Jack Daniels to get him to come out of the gorilla cave, and we're talking about the biggest showboat east of Arkansas. Look at him, he's depressed again." Mr. Clunt drove away from the zoo rapidly. A dejected Lester, cooing and grooming Cloris Mapes, rode in a trailer pulled behind Mr. Clunt's pickup truck. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ NYC SUBWAY ANNOUNCES NEW FRAGRANCES FOR THE HOLIDAYS NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Yesterday, the NYC subway system announced three exciting new couture personal fragrances inspired by the everyday smells of the subway: "Freshly ---- Britches," "Steaming Hot Urine," and "Wino Stewing in His Own Juices." "We are very pleased to be able to offer our riders the opportunity to make the smells of the subway their signature scent," said NYC subway system spokesperson Liz Garrett. "Sometimes, a rider won't sit in enough gunk, or have enough crap stuck to the bottom of their shoes to really continue to delight in the subway experience when they get home. And bus riders travel above ground, where there's a chance a breeze will blow the stench from them on the way home. That's why the NYC subway system has come up with these three signature personal fragrances, available in gift sets at finer area department stores." - Reported by Martell Stroup =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== First $1,000,000.00 Winner! FREE! FREE! FREE! FreeLotto has its first millionaire! On November 2nd 1999, a FreeLotto member won the Internet's first ever $1,000,000.000 lump sum cash jackpot. You could be our next $1,000,000.00 winner tonight -- you still have three free chances to win every day. Click here to play for FREE! freelotto =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== COWBOYS SIGN BIRD OF A FEATHER DALLAS, TX (DPI) - The Dallas Cowboys today signed former Carolina Panthers wide receiver Rae Carruth and immediately added him to their 45-man roster. Carruth, who was charged Thursday with conspiracy in the drive-by shooting last week of his pregnant girlfriend, should fill the Cowboys' need for an accused felon. "This season has been relatively quiet for us, and I just thought things needed shaking up a bit," commented Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, "so when I heard that an NFL player had possibly arranged to have his girlfriend murdered -- his *pregnant* girlfriend, no less -- I said to my General Manager, 'Get me that man, and I mean now!!'" Jones attempted to quiet the rumors that the Cowboys are also attempting to sign former Buffalo Bills great, O.J. Simpson. "Sure, he'd fit right in, but we're not sure O.J.'s still got his moves," Jones said, "and besides, $33 million for a one-year contract is a bit steep." - Reported by Tristan Fabriani =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Monday 29th November Along with a gaggle of fellow peers, I have succeeded in placing a number of time-release stinkbombs in places where the loathsome and envious Tony Blair is known to frequent. At Number 10 Downing Street, a former man-servant of mine now in the employ of the government can be trusted to secret a particularly revolting whoopee cushion within sofas and Louis XVI chairs just prior to state visits. At first the poor old gentleman misunderstood his directive and actually placed one of these disgusting personal breeze machines between the bowl and the seat of the Prime Minister's private toilet, where it ended up not eliciting any surprise. I need not tell you, dear diary, why I have been on the warpath, you who know my travails concerning the disbanded House of Lords. My lordship didn't come free, Tony! Even at eBay, a Scottish lairdship costs at least $300! Eventually the noises and the sulfurous stench will drive him back to the bargaining table, mark my words. Until then, beware the masked band of black-robed and periwigged hoodlums prowling the streets. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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