| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | November 30, 1999 21:58 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 1, 1999 |
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Top5 Presents
==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Only 1900 shopping days til Christmas ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== TOY STORY 2 TOYS, GAMES & MOVIE TICKETS - AT KBKIDS.COM! Select from the Toy Story 2 Interactive Train (KB exclusive!), soundtrack, action figures, software, video games and more! Plus, register for your chance to win FREE tickets to the movie! Four family packs will be given away every day until December 15. For more of Woody and Buzz, visit KBkids.com today at: kbkids =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 1, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== MIRACLE CURE FOR HSING HSING WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Days after the humiliating revelation that it had hired a trained bear to impersonate a pregnant ape in the throes of childbirth, the National Zoo revived its reputation with a revival of another kind: Hsing Hsing the giant panda has been awakened from the dead. The medical staff at the National Zoo were all agog after witnessing the miraculous revival of Hsing Hsing, who had earlier been put to sleep with a lethal injection because of an incurable illness. "It was rather like Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, I would say, only with a vet instead of Jesus and a panda instead of a guy," said one zoo employee. The savior was an outside consultant, one Dr. R. B. H. Clunt, who describes himself as a "wandering large-animal veterinarian." "I was in the area picking up Les--I mean, just taking a look around," said a smiling Dr. Clunt. "I heard about Hsing Hsing being put down, and I thought that that just shouldn't be. Down in Pigeon Forge where I'm from, we hate to let a good critter go to waste. So I came on in here and did a little healing, Tennessee style." Witnesses confirm that Dr. Clunt insisted that they clear the entire area around the zoo morgue while he backed his truck and trailer up to the entrance, and only zookeeper Linda Wilson was allowed to accompany him on his healing mission. Thirty minutes later, Dr. Clunt emerged from the morgue with a clearly undead and frisky Hsing Hsing by his side. The normally reclusive panda was somewhat smaller because of her ordeal, and her color was a bit faded, and she had changed to the male gender. She was also juggling some cotton swabs from the morgue, which is remarkable because Hsing Hsing's main skill before her death had been sitting on her improbably large behind and peeling bamboo, not juggling. But other than the slight changes, her condition was normal. Ms. Wilson announced that in exchange for his invaluable service to the zoo, Dr. Clunt would have first dibs on the pelts of any exotic animals which do in fact die permanently in the future. Dr. Clunt also has weekend and holiday visitation rights with Les--um, Hsing Hsing. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ WAS CHARLIE BROWN'S TREE UNAVAILABLE? NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Today, Chris White unveiled the 1999 Top 5 Christmas tree before a crowd composed mostly of members of his family and the neighbour's cat. This year, the tree measures a height of 4 foot 8 inches, a new Top 5 record. When asked to explain how Top 5 could afford such a lavish display, Chris replied, "Well, it's basically last year's plastic tree with the angel made from a ping-pong ball, an empty toilet paper roll, and two paper doilies, but this year I stood it on two phone books." The tree is a little thinner than last year. Several plastic twigs have been plucked off their sockets and glued to Bill Muse's train board. "There's a line of pine trees leading from Barbie's swing set outside the station all the way to the blue Indian camp and they look so realistic with their flecks of snow-spray." Chris plans to decorate the tree with two strands of flashing lights, a paper chain he made at summer camp when he was eight, and the eleven glitter balls that survived the packing up process last March. - Reported by Peter Casper =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Coming later this week... The Probe makes your holiday shopping easier (no, really!) =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== ONE MOMENT THERE'S JELLO, NEXT INSTANT NO PUDDING JERUSALEM, ISRAEL (DPI) - Israeli authorities rounded up another doomsday cult this week, after Jerusalem grocery stores reported a disturbing run on Jello Pudding (TM). When questioned, cult leader, His Most Excellency, the Right Questionable Reverend Bobby Bob Bobson, explained, "As it is written, 'Jeroboam of the Korbelites foretold that in those days, there will be a great turmoil amongst the keepers of knowledge machines who have not foreseen end times. Great riches will be offered by the Philistine Regent to the Cretins. The son of a former King will lead you to battle in a land he knows not how to spell. Then will you know that the Day of Pudding is upon you.' Don't you see? It is the Coming of the Age of Pudding. Accept the pudding upon you or perish!" True believer, Harry Christener, argued, "God loves pudding, of course. Doesn't Jeroboam's words prove that to you? God loves pudding, and Jeroboam says the Day of Pudding is upon us, so he must be right. It's all there in black and white, with little marshmallows on top. With proof like that, how can you not put pudding upon your head?" Israeli officials would not comment, except to say, "Oy, these fachachta gentiles! At least they're not using mayonnaise. My mother should only see that in my house. Talk about the end of the world!" - Reported by Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== AND GARY COLEMAN AS THE BEAVER BURBANK, CA (DPI) - Earlier today, Jimmie Walker, 1970's comedian and television star, was arrested at the Burbank airport after loudly exclaiming to an airline gate agent he was, "Dy-no-mite!" "Security is always our first concern," wheezed Lieutenant Sergeant Wally "Two Ton" Sandstrom of the Airport Security Brigade and Concessionaire staff. "I don't care what Mr. Walker believes he is. If I get suspended for two weeks without pay for saying the meatball sandwich I had for lunch was a 'gut bomb,' Mr. Walker is going to cool his heals in the stony lonesome for a while for being 'dy-no-mite!'" "This is simply a very unfortunate misunderstandin'," Jimmie Walker's attorney and manager, Thelma Briadda, said. "Jimmie's been lookin' for ways to jump start his, now let's be truthful here, at best mediocre stand-up an' television career. After Pictionary stopped shootin' an' Hollywood Squares wouldn't return his calls, Jimmie became increasingly despondent. It all came to a head last night while we were counterfeitin' food stamps, an' perusin' the rhymin' dictionary under the 'Crack ho' headin'. Jimmie was watchin' VH1 an' there in prime time was Danny Bonaduce hostin' his own 1970's flashback show. Jimmie went whack-o, threw hisself a fit an' fell in it. Said he was gonna hold his breath 'til they gave him his own damned flashback show. Then he took a big gulp of air, an' just stood there. Right as Jimmie collapsed unconscious to the floor, I told him he was 'dy-no-mite!' I was only tryin' to help, but I guess it sunk into his sub-conscious an' led him to his distressin' an' ill-advised publicity stunt this mornin'." If convicted, Mr. Walker could be sentenced to the state penitentiary for two shows a night (lockdown Monday nights) and a matinee on Sunday for three to five years. - Reported by Martell Stroup =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To subscribe: Send a message to probe-su-@topica.com ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] [ Subscription info can also be changed at: ] [ topica ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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