| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 03, 1999 21:16 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 3, 1999 |
| --==
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==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Happy Hanuk... um... Chaunak... er... Sholem aleykham! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== How do you say... Thanks for the 10 lb fruitcake Happy Holiday to your Uncle Scrooge Love to visit for the Holidays, but... Say it with pictures! Send online Photo Greeting Cards. click here: enlist =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 3, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== IRISH ENVOY SEEKS PEACE IN SEATTLE SEATTLE, WA (DPI) - Irish Republican Army terrorist Siobahn O'Shaughnessy arrived in Seattle today with his mind set on one mission: bringing a peaceful end to the days of vicious traffic- blocking and police vs. civilian megaphone duels that have torn this city apart over the World Trade Organization meeting. "This kind of direct confrontation is so unnecessary," said a passionately bearded O'Shaughnessy. "If I can help bring these warring factions to the discussion table, perhaps then we can stage decades of meaningless talks while both sides engage in ruthless killings in a more covert fashion." O'Shaughnessy brings to Seattle a reputation for bloodthirstiness as well as piercing light blue eyes and a passionately jutting beard, which juts out decisively from his already jutting chin. President Clinton welcomed the news of O'Shaughnessy's arrival, saying, "Thank God that The Peacemaker has arrived. I don't like speaking in public or inserting myself into other people's conflicts, so Seattle needs Siobahn's passionate passion for peace. Perhaps I will grow a jutting beard of passion after my presidency ends. Chicks dig the jutting beard of passion." Experts at the International Think Tank For Grand Gestures With No Practical Result liken O'Shaughnessy's peace mission to the numerous instances of U.S. meddling in the centuries-old conflict between warring factions in Northern Ireland. "It's tit for tat," said Think Tank spokesman Robert Blubberlips, a pompous Faustian figure of a man who, without the Think Tank job, would probably be standing at the bus stop with a tattered copy of "Lucifer's Hammer" or the latest Star Trek novelization jammed in his back pants pocket. "Tit for tat, I say to you. We have helped the Irish achieve their current state of peace; the least they can do is return the favor. I am too large, and my chins' too overwhelming, for a proper jutting beard of passion. On me, such a beard would be as a smudge on a pig's rump. Mr. O'Shaughnessy's swoon-inducing facial hair will certainly look good on the television news and in the inevitable movie about his life, after he receives his Nobel Peace Prize, of course." Mr. O'Shaughnessy plans to host a free Molotov-cocktail party following his staged meeting with the WTO leadership and the labor and environmental demonstrators. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ WHAT WOULD MAX YASGUR SAY? WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - After spending hundreds of billions of dollars subsidizing independent American farmers the last 65 years, President Clinton three years ago appointed the Independent Farming Commission in order to determine exactly what is going on. Yesterday, the Farming Commission released its report. At 12,928 pages, it is the most extensive research and analysis of the farming industry ever undertaken by any country in its history. In it, the Commission has found that the only time independent farming was ever profitable was for a brief two-month period back in 1734 when Abner Wigginson sold pints of strawberries to his neighbors for a profit of ha'penny per bushel. Outside of that, every farming transaction that has ever involved an independent farmer has never, and will never, make a profit, let along enough money to continue financing the farm, and just forget about supporting a family. "Basically what we have here is a failure to observe the obvious," said Roy Bentson, Chairman of the Commission. "What we're doing is taxing all of America in order to pay the salaries of a bunch of farmers who won't accept the fact that their business sucks, doesn't make money, and is doomed for obsolescence just as soon as they would quit it and get another job. If you want to make money farming, then you better be a huge Agri-Business concern. Why is that so hard to accept? I mean we don't have Independent Semi- Conductor Makers, or Independent Subway Car Makers, or Independent Auto Makers, so why do we insist on still having independent farmers?" Farming lobbyists immediately said, "Yeah, but, uh, er, uhhhhhh... never mind." - Reported by Chris Troise =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== VATICANDROME VATICAN CITY (DPI) - With the millennium a little over a year away, a series of exploding head incidents has Revelations readers and Nebraskans decidedly edgy. However, the Vatican's Cardinal Bernard Jameson is quick to reassure the populace: "Nowhere in the Holy Bible does it say that the heads of the unrighteous will explode upon the arrival of the millennium." Asked to speculate about the true cause of the cranial eruptions, the Cardinal was eager to share his pet theory: "I think you will find that most of those whose heads have, regrettably, exploded were probably engaged in trying to convince someone that the millennium does not come on January 1, 2000 as so many people think. I myself had to stop discussing this with one tourist from Rushville, Indiana. He was snapping flash pictures in the Sistine Chapel and loudly joking that he would wait until January to have them developed, so he would get them in the next millennium. I tried to explain the truth to this bonehead...sorry, lost lamb. After an increasingly vitriolic 40-minute exchange, I realized that a startling pressure was building up in my cerebral cortex. I immediately doused my head in a vat of Holy Water and gave up. These people are implacable!" Pressed for an official position on the actual date of the millennium, the Cardinal only mumbled, "same as it ever was," and hastily left the room. - Reported by Brian Jones =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== MIT MATHEMATICIAN PROVES OLD PROVERB CAMBRIDGE, MA (DPI) - After nearly seventeen years of research and more than $10 million dollars in government grant money, noted MIT practical mathematician Noel Jones has mathematically proven "six of one, half-dozen of the other" are indeed equal. "It took years of back-breaking work and struggle, an old-growth- forest-worth of pencils and paper, not to mention literally tons of grant money, but I was finally able to prove what to the layperson seems like a pretty straightforward adage," Jones said. But it wasn't always nice equal equations. "For a while there, in the mid 80's, I was very dejected. I got mired down for almost four years at 'three of one and...'; well, you see the problem. Then in 1989, a theoretical fraction colleague of mine stumbled across 1/4th while working with the extremely unstable and volatile 2/8th. That was the breakthrough I needed. Just nine short years after that, I was able to produce my own stunning conclusion" Jones said seconds before breaking down and weeping like a baby. "I'm sorry. It's just such a relief to have the years of scorn, pressure, ridicule, and skepticism lifted off me. I started my career as a humble practical mathematician to the people, and I'm still that same person," he sobbed through his tears, "except now, I'm a millionaire. too." - Reported by Martell Stroup =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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