| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 05, 1999 17:51 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 6, 1999 |
| --==
Top5 Presents
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Start choosing your FREE CDs now! columbiahouse =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 6, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== McCAIN EXCUSES SELF WHILE HE KISSES THE SKY WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - The warnings of GOP Senate Leader Trent Lott (The Creature - MS) and George W. Bush's staff came true this weekend when Sen. John McCain (Cagey - AZ) went berserk on Meet the Press, screaming that "the special interests are all over politics! Get these lobbyists off of me!" Host Tim Russert tried to calm the Senator down, but McCain launched into a lengthy diatribe about how well-placed elected officials and financiers in Texas, New Hampshire, and around the country were organizing a "campaign" to keep him from getting the GOP nomination. McCain's paranoid rant went on for several minutes, while Russert polished off a large basket of buffalo wings. Later, former Senate colleague, Bill Bradley, was brought in to talk McCain down, but within minutes he was claiming a campaign organized out of Tennessee was out to get him too -- this despite the fact that the only torture Bradley ever had to endure was the ten years he was forced to wear baggy, orange short-pants. Russert then brought out James Carville and Mary Matalin to calm both McCain and Bradley down. Carville claimed that the rest of the country had conspired to talk funny and make him look odd, while Matalin interrupted to ask "am I the deaf actress or the political advisor? I can never remember." McCain initially refused to climb off Russert's desk until someone removed the giant frog from the studio, but was right as rain as soon as Carville left to take Matalin away for DNA testing. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- COMPANY ISSUES TOY RECALL HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Toy giant HazPro has grudgingly issued a recall of its Bonanza Map toy. The Bonanza Map is an authentic reproduction of a map of Nevada circa 1873. It combines an antique look-and-feel with high-tech electronics and movie-quality incendiaries. The rich, thick parchment map just lays there when folded for storage. However, when the user unfolds the map, an embedded microchip emits the famous Bonanza theme and four seconds later the map bursts violently into flame starting at the center, with the yellow flames moving rapidly outward until the entire map is consumed. The recall was prompted by reports of consumers, both children and adults, setting them- selves, their vehicles, their homes, and even whole forests ablaze while playing with the map. HazPro chairman Eimrich Sosume said at a press conference, "I wish people could follow instructions. The Bonanza Map is clearly labeled in English and several Third World languages as 'guaranteed to burn vigorously when unfolded.' What do you expect when you open a flaming musical map--Peter Pan and Tinkerbell? We tested that concept and it just fell flat. This toy is safe when used properly. I guess we'll just have to warehouse it until the public IQ gets a few points higher. This recall is going to kill HazPro's Christmas sales." A class action lawsuit has been filed against HazPro on behalf of several thousand people claiming damages for loss of eyebrows and armhairs as well as outright destruction of personal property. The claimants also seek punitive damages for traumatization and continued adverse reactions to the Bonanza theme music, which you don't think you hear a lot until you have been conditioned to scream and wet yourself when you do hear it. In related news, HazPro announced that it would try to salvage the Christmas sales season with the early release of its Li'l Mission cassette tapes. Mr. Sosume enthusiastically described the new toy. "Li'l Mission is big big fun. What kid doesn't want to play secret agent? Each tape gives the kid a secret mission to perform. It comes with a dossier with top secret photos and documents. Best of all, five seconds after the mission briefing, the tape bursts into... um...Peter Pan and Tinkerbell! Yeah, that's it: Peter Pan and Tinkerbell." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Do you own a DVD player? Are you planning on getting one this holiday? Then you should read The DVD-DAILY Magazine. Twice weekly we deliver DVD reviews and DVD new release announcements, along with a complete list of the new DVDs being released in the coming weeks. For a free subscription, or to read an entire year of back issues, just visit: dvd-daily =================================================================== [ MORE DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== SALVATION ARMY REINSTATES DRAFT; VOWS CONSCRIPTION IF QUOTAS AREN'T MET BOSTON, MA (DPI) - General of the Salvation Army Simon Sulla announced plans today to immediately begin the lottery process to draft from the pool of those registered with Selective Service for duty in the Salvation Army. "If the recruits whose numbers are selected do not report to our processing stations located immediately outside of better department stores everywhere, we will not hesitate to build the fighting force we need by conscription," General Sulla said. He continued to build a case for his unprecedented Salvation Army build up by adding, "In case you haven't noticed, we're at war here people. The Red Cross has mounted several border incursions, capturing thousands of our religiously bankrupt and spiritually damned wards. FEMA has massed hundreds of low-level bureaucrats along our southern border. Guerilla do-gooders have infiltrated our vast network of soup kitchens, replacing our famous watery cabbage soup with soups that eat like a meal. I have called the Salvation Army to arms and I ask the needy and indigent everywhere to resist this renegade aid and continue to suffer until our fighting force is recruited, trained, equipped, a battle plan is drawn up, and this open rebellion is quelled." As protest against the drafting of America's youth grows, the Selective Service remains powerless to stop what would appear to be a misappropriation of power. "Well, they *are* an army. They do have uniforms. We checked the statute; those seem to be the only two criteria needed to start the lottery process. Until we can address this gaping loophole, we're asking everyone whose number is selected to report to the processing stations for duty in the Salvation Army. We're pretty sure we'll be able to get you all out and back home before you see any bell-ringing action." - Reported by Martell Stroup =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Sunday 5th December In New Orleans for a conference of snuff-box collectors. I must say, it does help to travel with servants. At about 11 in the ante meridian, my man Booth shimmers up to the hotel bed with a samovar of the blended best, a beaker of fresh-squeezed, and a tower of toast, among other beneficent treats. 'I say, Booth,' I say, toothing down a triangle of marmaladed wonder as he rotates the Rubi until a fine coating of pepper lays over the sliced, fried boudin. 'This is cracking good toast!' He murmurs, pleased. I complain to him about Bourbon Street. 'It's all changed, Booth,' I tell him. 'Not like when we were in Her Majesty's Navy at all.' 'No, sir?' 'No, nothing like it. It would be impossible to find a good transvestite or dog-and-pony show in today's French Quarter, much less a grand girl who can link her ankles behind her head and vault a ping-pong ball into the stratosphere. The place has cheapened considerably, and we are all very much diminished as a result.' 'I'm sure you're in the right of it, sir.' 'Now, please, leave me, Booth,' I said, turning away from him to conceal a fresh tear plopping down my cheek. 'I wish to be alone with my memories.' =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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