| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 08, 1999 14:08 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 8, 1999 |
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Top5 Presents
==-- =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ An issue which will live in infamy ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] [ To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ] =================================================================== WHAT'S A HOT ELECTRONICS GIFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS? Consider this *exclusive* offer from Beyond.com. I-Jam, the *only* MP3 player w/ FM tuner, is $89.99 after rebate! Save 50% off retail price - a perfect gift for any music lover. Find I-Jam at Beyond.com's MP3 Center & sample MP3 music, free! beyond =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 8, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== OY, WHAT'S WITH THESE MESHUGAH LIGHTS?! NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Scientists at the Environmental Protection Agency are warning citizens about an unexplained outbreak of forest growth in many homes and businesses. Dr. Morris Schwartz explains, "We started getting reports just after Thanksgiving that people were spotting fir trees in office reception areas and employee lounges where none had been before. Take this report from Benjamin Kass in Miami Beach, 'One afternoon when I got back from court, suddenly there's this tree in my law firm's reception area. My mother would plotz if she saw such a thing inside.' We've got similar reports coming in from orthodontist offices, accounting firms, and delicatessens all over New York, Hollywood, and Cherry Hill." Also troubling are reports that houses in residential areas all over the country are eerily glowing each night, some in various colors. Said David Rothberg, of Philadelphia, "Each night on my way home, more and more houses are giving off a strange series of lights. I hope there hasn't been a radiation leak or something. My mother is gonna worry sick about me." Dr. Schwartz has consulted with colleagues at Mount Sinai, Cedars, and Brandies, but no one has been able to explain these strange phenomena. Dr. Schwartz's mother, however, suggests that chicken soup and a nice Jewish girl can solve almost any problem. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CLOONEY FLOAT TIES UP TRAFFIC NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - An unused float from the recent Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade escaped from its hangar yesterday and terrorized Manhattan. The "Naked George Clooney" float, which was not a part of the famous parade, floated down Fifth Avenue for several hours, its manly thing nearly snagging on power lines as it dangled some 20 feet below the huge balloon. To make matters worse, throngs of panting, moaning women chased after the rubber Dr. Ross. "Those chicks just flipped out," said NYPD Captain Al Buterol. "They were climbing up lampposts to try to get a better look." The excitement finally ended when "Big George" crossed the Hudson river and impaled himself on the Statue of Liberty. - Reported by Tristan Fabriani =================================================================== [ HOLIDAY SEASON REPORT ] =================================================================== LITTLE DRUMMER BOY SUCCUMBS TO CANCER THE BOWERY, NY (DPI) - Facing a future as bleak as his past was bright, the famous Little Drummer Boy of song was found dead today in a $15-a-week skid row flophouse. Boarding house proprietor Al "Gibby" Gibson at first shooed away Probe reporters, claiming "I don't know nothin' about no drummer boy. Now if you're talkin' 'bout drumsticks, or sticks, like in needles for shootin' smack, that's 'nother matter entirely." But after an offer of a hit off a bottle of Thunderbird, Gibson became more talkative. "----, it wuz a bad way to go. A bad way. Poor boy didn't do no coke or nothin'. Didn't even drink. An' he didn't do hisself in -- no, no; it weren't nothin' like that. But man, he started seein' how drummers are nowadays -- Charlie Watts, Bun "E" Carlos, cats like that -- and you ain't never seen them without one of them cancer sticks danglin' out their mouths. Sometimes 2 or 3 at once, dig? And the kids, they goes for ---- like that, you know? Poor drummer boy, he find there ain't much call for little, innocent-lookin' cats who jes' knows one riff. So he starts in a puffin' away, thinkin' that'll score him some bread. But it wuz sad, man. He wuz jus' tryin' to update his gig, 'stand what I'm sayin'? Jes' sad, man. Hey -- what'll you give me for a used drum?" - Reported by Peter Bauer =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== US FINALLY DECLARES WAR ON NORTH KOREA PEEYONGO-YANGEEO, NORTH KOREA (DPI) - In a bid to establish a legacy, any legacy, good or bad, US President Bill Clinton has formulated a heartless plan to "take care of unfinished business" in North Korea. The plan involves a surprise concert featuring the singing of the President's under-achieving brother Roger. The concert is ostensibly sponsored by the Seoul Broadcasting System, but in reality it is a CIA black op, codenamed "Operation Bad Kimshee." "We considered nuclear weapons, but those things can render a place uninhabitable for as long as 10,000 years," said White House spokesman Joe Lockhart. "Roger's singing kills quickly, though not mercifully, and there is no radioactive fallout." The move comes at a time when the morale and general health of the North Korean populace are at their lowest point since China helped them kick the US and its allies out of the country in 1954. Mr. Lockhart explained, "In recent years, North Korean spies have variously drowned in their own submarines, fallen off cliffs, and gotten into fatal shootouts with each other while trying to spy on a basically free and open South Korean society. This has led to a communal loss of face; in America we just laugh off that kind of thing and move on to the next sporting event or shopping opportunity, whereas these crazy Koreans get all depressed about losing face before the world. It's sad-funny, funny-sad, but it is something we can exploit. Also, the bungling of the Communist regime has led to food shortages and mass starvation. We think that a small push is all that it would take to tumble the whole shebang into the abyss. A few tunes from Roger is more than a small push into the abyss, I assure you." Word of the impending musical assault has leaked out, causing mass panic in North Korea. Wealthy North Koreans are disguising themselves as South Koreans and buying safe passage across the border. Less-well-off Koreans are plaintively wailing about the Geneva Convention -- and UN resolutions against weapons of mass destruction -- to anyone who will listen, which is basically nobody. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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