| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 13, 1999 15:10 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 13, 1999 |
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probe-uns-@topica.com ==================================================================[ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ "It's the thought that counts" is a big fat lie. ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] ================================================================== GET YOUR FREE POST-IT(R) NOTES AT iPRINT.COM Q: What’s fun, sticky and makes life easier? A: 10 pads of FREE personalized Post-it(R) Notes from iPrint.com! This special offer is valid for a limited time to new customers only. Click here: iPrint ================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 13, 1999 ==================================================================[ DOMESTIC NEWS ] ================================================================== CLOSE ESCAPE FOR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GARY BAUER ELK CANYON, MT (DPI) - In a bizarre twist of events early Saturday morning, presidential candidate Gary Bauer gnawed off his own foot after catching himself in a weasel trap while fleeing from a local rancher. "It was the damndest thing," said local rancher Floyd Grant, who owns the weasel trap in question, "I swore it was a giant weasel or rat trying to illegally cut down one of my pine trees, so I start shooting and this thing just goes running." Grant pursued Bauer for approximately two miles before losing track of Bauer, who had concealed himself in a reedy swamp area to evade Grant. After several minutes, Grant concluded, "I guess that beady-eyed, pointy-nosed little monster just scurried down some hole to its nest or something. Damn, I wish I'd gotten a good shot off." Bauer hid for approximately one hour before concluding that Grant had indeed cut the chase short, and was proceeding back to his car when he ensnared his right foot in the trap in question. After struggling mightily for several hours and suffering the early stages of hypothermia, Bauer concluded that his only alternative was to gnaw off his right foot. "It hurt a lot," remarked Bauer from his hospital bed, "but not as much as you'd think. It was the only thing to do--the Family Research Council has 455,000 members and a $14 million budget. I have work to do, and lots of it. These things happen all the time." When asked if the injury will affect his chances in the 2000 presidential election, Bauer replied, "Who sent you? Was it W? That's who sent you, wasn't it?" Bauer then added, "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK," before trailing off into a flurry of nonsensical babble and drooling. Grant was surprised when informed of the incident, and met Bauer at his hospital room. "Look at him. Little beady eyes, pointy nose. Man, anyone could have made that mistake." Grant apologized in his own way by poking Bauer with a long twig several times and not shooting at him again. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ RENO ADDS "EVERY-DAMN-BODY" TO MICROSOFT SUIT WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - In a move that will cement her place in history, Attorney General Janet Reno today announced a surprise indictment of everyone who ever purchased a software product from or signed a business agreement with the evil, widow-hurting, child- slapping, Everyman-not-elevating, bad bad bad company, Microsoft. "The precedent for this is clear," a grinning, skull-faced Reno told a crowd of shivering semi-nude reporters who had been rounded up at gunpoint by Justice Department goons and brought to the entrance of her apartment building at 2:00 AM EST. "Microsoft does not exist in a vacuum, except insofar as the entire planet Earth floats in a vacuum. I'm speaking figuratively because this close to the Sun we're not really in an absolute vacuum. But I digress; I didn't call you here to discuss natural science or even physics-- Execute that terrorist man over there!" Upon that utterance, one of Ms. Reno's goons then shot a reporter who was yawning during her speech. Ms. Reno continued, "That was close--he almost overthrew the government. Where was I? Oh, yes. Microsoft could not have become the big mean giant of the world if millions of computer users had not conspired to help them do so. We're talking a major conspiracy involving everyone who ever turned on a computer, except for Apple and Amiga users. We also examined every agreement that Microsoft had ever signed with computer-makers who include Microsoft products in their machines, and our experts found that there were other, suspiciously non-Microsoft signatures on the contracts. Look, we have the entire country surrounded, and as soon as everyone in the country surrenders, peace will be restored. Any questions?" There were no questions, because the smart reporters remembered Ms. Reno's propensity for shooting first and making up "rules of engagement" later. They were afraid that in her volatile mood, with her armed goons at hand, and given the skimpy negligee that she was wearing in the nipple-chafing predawn cold, she could easily open up a can of Aunt Janet's Waco-Ruby-Ridge Whup-ass on *their* worthless, conspiring, militia-loving, monopolistic asses. - Reported by Chris Jones ==================================================================[ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] ================================================================== The Top5 Mall ...is open for business. Support TopFive.com and four worthy charities by starting all your holiday shopping at our new shopping directory site. We've got links to all the hottest brands and sites, including Amazon.com, CDNOW, Pets.com, Sharper Image, Swiss Army, Fossil, Chipshot.com, Send.com, and many more. Toys, clothing, games, electronics, cosmetics, flowers... you'll find everything you need -- and it's for a good cause. top5mall ==================================================================[ WORLD NEWS ] ================================================================== JUST WHAT IS "AN ACT OF GOD"? VATICAN CITY (DPI) - In a stunning Papal Bull, Pope John Paul II admitted today that "Acts of God" as used in disclaimers and insurance contracts is, "pretty much just the weather." "God's got nothing to do with it," the Pope wrote. "God told me that while He'd like to continue to receive all the credit when a tornado rips through a trailer park killing four generations of a miserably poor, inbred family, or when softball-size hail craters your new Jaguar XK8 convertible, He can't. It's just the weather. He's known it all along, and now we know it." The Pope added, "On the other hand, you die of lung cancer after smoking two packs a day for 50 years, or choke to death on a piece of chicken at your son's Bar Mitzvah, that's 'Act of God' all the way." Reaction to the Papal Bull was mixed with the man on the street. While some claimed they always thought God was a little weasely in His dealings with mortal man, others are grateful for the news. One man who claimed to have been struck by lightning no less than seven times was relieved. "I thought God really, really, really, really, really, really, really didn't like me. At all. Like I was being punished for being a bad person or something. I feel much better knowing it's just the weather that doesn't like me. That I can live with." - Reported by Martell Stroup ==================================================================[ FEATURES ] ================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Sunday 12th December Damn these magazine stands, damn them all to hell! Is there no escape from Mariah Carey, the singing hoochie? Will the government be forced to bust the budget and purchase her an Arctic parka? I too get on the floor for endless push-ups and sit-ups every day, mainly to offset my gourmandizing ways, but you don't see me rubbing everyone's nose in my navel. Tish tosh, young lady. I stewed about her attempts to out-belly and out-tit my newest girl, Laetitia, over a filet bearnaise and oysters Rockefeller at Galatoire's, washed down with a tide of pink gins. Desperate times, desperate times. Bought 17 silver snuffboxes from an as yet unarrested criminal. Ian Bannen, RIP. ==================================================================[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] ==================================================================[ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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