| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 15, 1999 07:20 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 15, 1999 |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Only 10 more days!! Panic in the streets!! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== WIN $4000 CASH & HAVE A REALLY HAPPY HOLIDAY! Go to opinionforce & join NFO's interactive consumer research panel. It takes less than 5 minutes. Have a say about new products & services. Always voluntary. Privacy guaranteed. =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 15, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== MIRACLE CUBAN BOY TO FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES MIAMA, FL (DPI) - Little Elian Gonzalez didn't want to be a hero -- it just turned out that way. Surrounded by adoring mamacitas dressed in swirling tropical skirts, Elian stuffed his face with tamales con queso to the ceaseless rhythm of salsa percussion and awaited his upcoming return to Cuba. The five-year-old boy was the only survivor of a hazardous ocean crossing from Cuba, which started out on a rickety boat and ended on Thanksgiving day in an inner tube after the boat sank. He'll be returning in much grander style, though, and therein lies the miraculous cooperation between two nations that have borne nothing but suspicion for each other for two generations. Next Tuesday, Elian will be launched southward from the world's largest catapult, stationed in Key West, Florida. NASA spokesman Marv Blastoph said, "Our team welcomes this challenge. Mars has been kicking our butts all year long, what with various math and mechanical problems. But Mars involves complex calculations. Delivering a 50-pound payload 90 miles south without achieving orbit is something that our guys can do in their sleep with plus or minus 5 percent accuracy. It'll be a cinch." Elian's trajectory should take him into the lower stratosphere, and barring any sudden changes in the jet stream, he should land safely in an enormous net that is being constructed in the town square in Havana, Cuba. A layer of ice will form on him on the way up, but the heat of his descent should melt the ice and have him in fine and fluffy shape by the time he hits the net. A train of red, white, and blue vinyl streamers will deploy from within his shirt when he reaches an altitude of 5,000 feet during his descent. Following his landing he will be dandled on the knee of Cuban dictator Fidel Castro, who has not publicly dandled a child since little Ricky Schroder visited Cuba during the filming of El Gringo Blondo Adorablo in 1979; that was a spontaneous dandling which did nothing to improve state relations but did make little Ricky burp. The planned dandling of Elian is much more significant as a state event, and will do much to open new pathways of understanding between El Norte and El Southo. Elian's pants pockets will be stuffed with individ- ually wrapped candies that he can toss to the crowd during and after the dandling, as a goodwill gesture from America. Enjoy your tamales while you can, Elian, because in a few days it's 3-2-1-wha-WHUMP! - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ "GOTCHA, ALREADY!" JERUSALEM, ISRAEL (DPI) - Jewish authorities holding a press conference to chastise improper menorah lighting at many offices, broke down and confessed that the whole religion was nothing more than a practical joke started by a group of prankster First Century Christians. Explained Shecky Lipshitz, "We've been having so much fun messing with you guys, I hate to see it end. My favorite was complaining each morning that too many candles are lit on the office menorah, then coming back later in the day and complaining that too few were lit. You people have no idea, so you'll go along with whatever we say! I heard about a guy in Miami who convinced his office that the candles had to be a particular shade of blue, and then wouldn't accept any shade they tried until they settled on orange, which he insisted on calling 'Bagel Blue.'" Lipshitz also related the story of Izzy Gross, who convinced his entire office to wear potato latkes on their heads, adding an additional latke each night of Hanukah, which he insisted they spell "Ha-nani-nani-nunikah." Lipshitz then explained that the entire Jewish religion had been made up by a group of nonconformist First Century Christians as a laugh. "Look, Judaism pretty much petered out when the Temple was destroyed in 70 AD. But the Christians were just so full of themselves, a bunch of our ancestors decided to have a little fun by pretending that Jews were still around. It was more of a wry inside joke until the Romans converted and suddenly we had a gig going as the official opposition. I tell you, keeping a straight face during the Crusades was murder, no pun intended." Lipshitz saved his biggest praise for the writers of "Fiddler on the Roof." "Come on, people, you didn't really think people used expressions like 'yiedel diedel' and 'biddy biddy bum,' did you? Listen, go to the back room of any kosher deli and it's chock full of ham and mayonnaise sandwiches. I'm just sorry we're gonna lose those extra days off for Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and my favorite, Tu B'Shvat. I still can't believe anyone bought that one." - Reported by Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== FREE VACATION package & 200% money back guarantee! Get up to $24,000 worth of UNSECURED CREDIT and reduce monthly bills by up to 75% REGARDLESS of your situation. No loans, credit checks, security deposits or income requirements. Hurry, space is limited! primetimecredit =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== MONARCHY SHAKEN BY PRONOUNCEMENT ISLE OF WIGHT, ENGLAND (DPI) - Apothecary John Sinclair shook the English monarchy to its very core on Monday when he loudly proclaimed over the store's public address system that, "The customer is King." Buckingham Palace immediately responded by assuring the Queen's loyal common-pieces-of-filth-that-overrun-the-island-like-fleas- on-a-mangy-dog's-ass subjects, "We have not abdicated the throne. We do not plan to abdicate the throne. And most certainly, We would not abdicate the throne to this customer person, whomever he is." The common man's response to the customer becoming King was generally favorable. Said one local man, "With the dismal socio- economic condition of the country, I haven't had the money to buy anything since before Margaret Thatcher personally kicked me Mum's life-support plug out of the socket to cut health care costs. But if I did have a pence to my name, I'd like to think that I'd have a chance at becoming King. I mean, one day, I'd be buyin' adult diapers, and the next, I'd be the crowned head of England." While no massive street demonstrations advocating revolution were staged, the pressure to abdicate continues to mount for the Queen. Last week, BBC 2 started to air digitally re-mastered syndicated re-runs of the popular 1960's game show, "Queen For a Day." - Reported by Martell Stroup =================================================================== [ FINANCE ] =================================================================== IT PAYS TO SURF THE WEB SILICON VALLEY, CA (DPI) - The Internet finally achieved one of its most important milestones today by entirely cutting out the middleman. From now on, venture capital firms will give their money directly to the average citizen instead of going through the laborious process of giving it to an Internet startup who will then spend it on advertising and selling at a loss in order to pass the money onto the average citizen. "Before we would give, say, Buy.com $10 million in financing. They would then spend all of it on TV and Web banner ads in order to get people to visit their site. Once on their site they would sell everything at a loss in order to get these people to return. We were very excited about being able to talk about it only costing us $300 per customer. Now, we will directly give each person $20 to visit our site, and then once they visit it we'll give them $20 more. And that's it. A $260 savings per customer. And since they won't have to buy anything -- in fact, we won't let them -- we no longer sell anything at a loss!". Buy.com immediately tripled in overnight trading. - Reported by Chris Troise =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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