| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 15, 1999 22:47 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 16, 1999 |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Make the bell ringing stop!!! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== The holidays are on their way. ImproveNet.com can help you get your house in shape. For advice on renovations, repairs, or help finding a contractor, go to ImproveNet.com. It's all FREE of charge! improvenet =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 16, 1999 =================================================================== [ HOLIDAY SPECIAL ] =================================================================== CHILD ADVOCATES PROTEST AGAINST GIANT TOY COMPANY HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Members of the child advocate group, Mothers Against Other People's Kids Making Money, Those Auditions Were Rigged, My Kid Is Cuter (MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC), braved mild breezes and balmy weather yesterday to march in picket lines outside of the corporate headquarters of toy giant HazPro. The source of their anger: the alleged abuse of the child models who appear on the packages of HazPro products. MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC spokeswoman Megala Stumpythighs put down her megaphone long enough to hold up a box containing HazPro's popular MoneyMachine Printing Press toy. "Look at this poor kid's face," said Ms. Stumpythighs. "This expression is not only unnatural, I don't think the kid could *make* that face unless he was under extreme physical duress." Indeed, the male child on the MoneyMachine box has eyes that are opened impossibly wide, with the main seeing portion of the eyes bugged out quite far. Also, his mouth is opened so wide in an apparent paroxysm of unbounded joy, that one might suspect that his jaw hinges had been temporarily detached, similar to the way a python adjusts his jawbones to enable it to swallow whole a large rat or other prey several times larger than its own head. The female child, presumably the amateur counterfeiter's little sister, is similarly disfigured. Besides her physical characteristics, Ms. Stumpythighs contends that the little girl is obviously the victim of psychological abuse. "Look at her expression as she gazes at the stacks of money coming out of that evil machine. The eyes; my God, the eyes. She looks like she's inhabited by the soul of a centuries-old witch or a vampire, or worse yet an Egyptian succubus. That is not the face of a little girl. This is a clear case of hypnotism or demonic possession. She will need daily therapy for the rest of her life. Oh, and I think that both kids are wearing a thick layer of lipstick. That's not life-threatening, but it is just a little bit sick." HazPro chairman Eimrich Sosume refused to meet with the protesters, but he did issue a statement. "These MAOPKMMTAWRMKIC people are simply disgruntled because we did not use their kids in our ads and on our boxes. In child modeling as in life, there are winners and losers; we cannot alter that fact. To the charges of child abuse, I say 'Bullfeathers.' The expressions of delight are genuine. Our models are selected because of their distinguishing facial traits, such as extremely large eyes, gaping mouths, shellacked hair, shirts buttoned all the way to the top, and a certain mad expression that, when captured on film, conveys maximum enjoyment. Our practices are consistent with those of the entire toy industry, and we will not change to suit the rantings of disappointed stage mothers. Oh, yes: Merry Christmas." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Stuck for gift ideas? Everyone likes music! Go to CDNOW! 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