| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 17, 1999 07:12 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 17, 1999 |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Read this issue, or the red-nosed reindeer gets it ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== How do you say... "Sorry, I ate the tree tinsel." "Meet me under the mistletoe." "Thanks for the 10lb fruitcake." Say it with pictures! Save a tree and send free online Photo Greeting Cards this Holiday season. Click Here: zing =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 17, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== THERE'S NO DEBATING IT--THESE SUCKERS ARE WEIRD IOWA CITY, IA (DPI) - In their continuing Debates of Diminishing Returns, the 2 GOP presidential candidates and the 4 GOP lithium candidates faced new questions regarding their abilities to preside over the government. When asked which political philosopher most influenced them, Bush the Younger surprised the audience by naming environmental artist, Christo. Said Smirk Boy, "I really loved his plastic-wrapped islands. It changed my heart. I started plastic- wrapping things all over my house, then a few small dogs, and eventually I wrapped a couple of gals across the border from Twin Peaks. If you've never wrapped anybody in plastic, it's hard to explain, but it changed my life." Alan "the Ambassador" Keyes then smacked Bush in the head, screaming, "You ten-gallon pervert! Did the Founding Fathers wrap things in plastic? No! Did Abraham Lincoln wrap things in plastic? No! I pick atonal composer Philip Glass." While Keyes continued making loud beeping noises, Sen. John McCain (Rebel Scum - AZ) picked Lando Calrissian. "He too bucked the establishment, and did it with a small operation, small enough not to be noticed by either the Empire or the mining guild, which was advantageous for everybody since his customers were anxious to avoid attracting attention." When questioned whether he would need to form more alliances within the GOP establishment to further his chances in subsequent primaries, McCain responded, "That's always been a danger looming like a shadow over everything I've built. But things have developed that will ensure my security. I've just made a deal that will keep my campaign going through the convention. I've given Hillary to the bounty hunter." This announcement turned the crowd, which earlier howled at McCain for calling ethanol "lubricant for vegisexual corn-suckers," decidedly in McCain's favor. Steve Forbes then selected as his favorite thinker "Qodluk, Emperor of the Seven Galaxies," and was quickly placed under quarantine at an undisclosed military facility. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT CHECKOUT LANE CHECKS OUT FOR ANAL-RETENTIVE ROOSTER CITY, KS (DPI) - Robert Allan McTierney was an English major at Kansas State. After graduating, he got a disappointing dead-end job as a copy clerk in Rooster City. His girlfriend of five years left him six months ago for a Silicon Valley engineer she met online. McTierney must drive three hours to see a decent Shakespeare play-- never mind Stoppard or Pinter. Fighting a bout of depression Thursday, McTierney stopped by the local Harrigin's Market to pick up some Ben and Jerry's, when a sight appeared before him that made him drop his Chunky Monkey. "Express Lane," the sign fairly shouted. "9 Items or Fewer." McTierney almost wet himself. "I almost wet myself," said McTierney, obviously fighting a weak bladder. "The common yet improper '9 Items or Less' was a thorn in the rose of my existence. And here, finally, is a shining ray of grammatical hope." McTierney rounded up other former English majors: Bob Jensen, an attendant at the Rooster City Unocal; perpetual grad student Audrey M. Fenimore; and barfly Harmon Keithly. When informed of the sign, they immediately ran to the store for a better look. Fenimore cried tears of joy. "For so long, supermarkets have spat in the face of all that's been important to me," she wailed. "I feel vindicated now." Jensen agreed: "Harrigin's Market kicks serious ass." Keithly nodded agreement before selecting a 2-liter bottle of Popov and trying out the express lane for himself. Owner Donna Harrigin takes all the credit. "I noticed that my copies of 'Get Evolution Out Now!' used the words 'less' and 'fewer' in the proper fashion, and I decided it was high time I did too." After failing to convince McTierney and his cohorts into channeling their passion for grammar into re-electing the Kansas School Board, Harrigin tortured the English majors by using "wherefore" as a substitute for "where," using the word "myriad" as a noun when it's actually an adjective, and repeatedly mispronouncing "sherbet" as "sherbert." Fenimore, still in tears, made the sign of the cross as McTierney wet himself. - Reported by Paul K. Djunn ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ KWANZAA 2000 LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - The board of Kwanzaa Holiday Corporate Ventures announced the election of Mark Villa as CEO, yesterday. Villa, a former senior executive of Toys R Us, wasted no time in announcing sweeping changes. "I have looked at the other holiday models closely," Villa said in a speech to Kwanzaa shareholders, "and it is time to bring Kwanzaa out of the 19th Century." When it was pointed out by a junior vice president that Kwanzaa wasn't around in the 19th Century, Villa kicked the man in the shins and fired the vp's entire staff. He continued, "I would most like to work off the gold standard of holiday profit, the Christmas Model. Although Chanukkah was intriguing in some ways, I found it to be hampered by far too many restrictions. It has a stubborn insistence on being more closely tied to Judaism than dollars and sense... Jewish this and Jewish that. How is that a good business plan? Don't they realize a good portion of the world isn't Jewish? Where's the profit? Who in this room can name the Chanukkah spokesman, the equivalent of the Taco Bell dog, Santa Claus, or Dave from Wendy's? Probably no one. But Christmas, now that's a solidly structured model. Think about it. They successfully got around that whole sticky 'Christ' and 'Christian' thing by making it hipper by replacing it with an 'X'; now it's 'X-mas'...far closer to Gen-X than boring old church. And granted, while Jesus is nice and everything, he just doesn't scream 'Sega Dreamcast' or 'World Cup Barbie' like a big fat, happy, gift-giving magic uncle. China has billions of untapped consumers who have yet to know Christmas. How would Jesus go over with a bunch of Buddhists? And don't get me started on that whole rising from the dead and holes through the hand thing. Just plain scary to the under-10 set. We here at Kwanzaa Corp. are going to avoid that pitfall." Villa then unleashed his plan for the next Millennium, starting with the opening of a series of seasonal "Kwanzaa Huts" to sell Kwanzaa-related goods and toys. But it was the introduction of the new mascot that got the most enthusiastic response - a large stuffed animal like a kangaroo, to be named Kwanzaaroo. This "magic" Kwanzaaroo will hop around the globe distributing presents from its "magic" pouch. Villa believes some children's fear of mall Santas combined with the appeal of a loveable stuffed animal may cause parents to switch annual gift givers in years to come. But just to make sure, the savvy Villa has Kwanzaaroo tie-ins with the fast food chain Burger King and eToys.com. "We can go global with this baby!" - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Ameritrade offers $8 commissions for Internet equity market orders -- no matter what the share price is, or how many share you buy or sell! Open an account before December 20, 1999 and receive 3 commission-free equity trades! enlist =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== WOMAN'S SNATCH PRAISED ATHENS, GREECE (DPI) - Taiwan's Li Feng Ying used her magnificent snatch to coax a gold medal from the judges of the World Weightlifting Championship. "Fine snatch," said the American judge. The Russian judge concurred, adding, "I wish more Russian women had such a mighty snatch." President Bill Clinton, who had just recently left Greece due to strong, violent protests by strong and violent protesters, said at a news conference, "I might have stayed if I had known about all the snatch." Some athletes at the competition were rumored to be using performance-enhancing drugs. However, the top three finishers in each event were required to submit to a blood test to certify their drug-free status. The drug- testing arm of the World Weightlifting Federation issued this statement: "We find no snatch-enhancing substances in her blood." Ms. Li Feng Ying does not plan to rest on her record-breaking snatch. Right after the medal ceremony she announced that she will definitely bring her snatch to the Summer Olympics in Sydney in the year 2000. "My snatch should be even better then. Watch out, world," said a smiling Li. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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