| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 20, 1999 17:06 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 20, 1999 |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Avoid the rush: start returning gifts today! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== For TopFive Readers: FREE $35 Holiday Bonus from Drugstore.com o FIRST PURCHASE IS FREE (up to $10), no minimum purchase required o FREE $25 "Philosophy" bath & body set w/order (great gift for her) o Gifts for Him/Her/Kids: health & beauty items, GNC store, razors, colognes, massage & relaxation items, Winnie the Pooh Bath sets o Hurry! Claim instant $35 FREE BONUS to Drugstore.com & other free coupons at: colonize =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 20, 1999 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== APOCALYPSE TO BE TELEVISED NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Cable news networks have announced plans for 24-hour live coverage of New Year turn-overs around the world to watch for signs of religious or technological catastrophes. Prompted by runs on Jell-O Pudding (TM) in leading religious centers and on ammunition in America's mid-west and Asia's mid-east, media doomsayers are predicting "the mother of all broadcast frenzies." FOX News Channel has already begun promoting its "When Antichrists Attack!" broadcast, and MSNBC has previewed its "Rumors of War and Innuendo of the End-Oh!" special. CNN religion correspondent, Faith Diablo, shrugged off the run on Jell-O Pudding (TM) as a sign of religious upheaval. "Recent sales surges notwithstanding, the Book of Colloidal Suspension is apocryphal at best. Revelations 3:50 at 15 Minutes is not meant to be taken literally. When John says that the unfaithful will be chilled and served, he means that they will be chilled by the absence of God's presence and served what's coming to them. You know, with marshmallows. It has nothing to do with placing pudding on your head." Still, when asked where she plans to spend New Year's Eve, Diablo said: "Inside a static-free tin-foil-wrapped giant Jell-O (TM)-mold Luddite prayer bunker." A wise plan, no doubt. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ A HOT TIME IN THE OLD TOWN MEETING TONIGHT NEWTON, MA (DPI) - Friday at a town council meeting, hotter heads prevailed during the discussion of a routine zoning plan nobody really cared much about. The hot heads whipped the sedate discussion into an orgy of violence and blood sport despite earnest attempts by cooler heads to "settle down and talk about this as rational human beings." By the time debate on the zoning plan closed and a vote was taken, the measure passed unanimously as the last man standing staggered to the rostrum to vote "aye" before collapsing onto the blood-soaked carpet where he attempted to use his belt as a tourniquet on what was left of his one remaining leg. "It turned into a real bloodbath in there today." said one council staffer. "I haven't seen so much blood and carnage since the city- wide gladiator games and wild animal hunt at the Civic Center last fall. Of course, that was the unofficial name of the event since we advertised it as a 'circus' and gave out thousands of free tickets to secondary school students throughout the district." The city is currently accepting bids for clean up of the council chambers. However, it cautions prospective businesses to not bid on the clean-up job if they find "the sight of a human jawbone pushed through the skull of another human being distressing." - Reported by Martell Stroup ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BUT IS HE HABIT-FORMING? BOSTON, MA (DPI) - Democratic Presidential candidate Bill Bradley spoke last night to a group of school administrators here in Boston. While I would like to report on the contents of his speech, I'm afraid I was not able to stay awake past the opening remarks. He did begin with something about "Bringing America to a new standard..." As this reporter, and the rest of the audience, was catching up on some much needed rest, our camera was rolling. Although the speech was taped, all subsequent attempts to view it have been hampered by continued bouts of narcolepsy. When viewed without listening to the sound, however, the speech can be seen for more than a few minutes without drowsiness. During this time, Bradley moves his arms about, apparently describing something about coming together and forging a common future. The camera also captured Bradley campaign workers going through the crowd and emptying the wallets of the sleeping audience. They did appear to leave a non-profit contribution receipt in place of the removed cash. These workers also appeared to be wearing earplugs to keep out the dulling sounds of their candidate's voice. Even though the audience had to be awakened with the aid of a firehose and some freezing water from a local hydrant, many of them reported that they found the first sentences of Bradley's talk more informative than the complete speech from the other democratic candidate, Al Gore. Said Joel Luskry, "I even had a dream that had all those women from the James Bond movie in it. Bradley's got my vote!" - Reported by Mark Schmidt =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Ameritrade offers $8 commissions for Internet equity market orders -- no matter what the share price is, or how many share you buy or sell! Open an account before December 20, 1999 and receive 3 commission-free equity trades! Ameritrade =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== NASA PAYROLL "LOST IN SPACE" CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (DPI) - The NASA accounting department called a press conference today to announce the mysterious disappearance of part of the regular bi-weekly payroll deposit. Accounting IT manager Dorchus Merryweather said, "We regret to inform the Mars team here at NASA as well as at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory that their paychecks were sent out as planned, but they never arrived. We have tried to contact the errant money, but so far we have had no response. We speculate that rough terrain, a poisonous atmosphere, or angry Martians may have damaged the money, rendering it useless." Mr. Merryweather emphasized that the NASA business computing department, which oversees payroll disbursements, usually has a 100% success rate in the delivery of salaries. He said, "This unfortunate incident should not cause us to abandon salary payments in the future. Mistakes do happen, and our goal as computer scientists is to learn from our mistakes as well as from our successes." A reporter asked if the lost money could be replaced with other money. Mr. Merryweather replied, "Sadly, no. NASA has an official policy of running leaner and cheaper missions. In many cases, that means that we eliminate redundancy. There is no backup money to kick in if the original money fails to perform as planned. We just have to chalk it up to experience and move on. We can try again with the next payroll in two weeks." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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