| From: | Top5 Productions |
| Date: | December 22, 1999 22:09 PST |
| Subject: | The Daily Probe -- December 22, 1999 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to
probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ For your convenience, the Daily Probe will remain open ] [ on your screen 24-hours-a-day until Christmas ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ~ ATTENTION LIST MEMBERS ~ You have a personal Holiday Greeting Card waiting for you... Click here to pick it up! zing =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 22, 1999 =================================================================== [ FINANCE ] =================================================================== TODAY, CHAIRMAN OF THE FED; TOMORROW THE WORLD WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Man of the year, chairman for the ages, Alan Greenspan, announced plans yesterday to reinstate the right of prima nocte, giving him feudal rights to sleep with all brides on their wedding nights. He explained, "I am Greenspan! Kneel before me, and give unto me your women. Greenspan has spoken." 0 Lord Greenspan then proclaimed that all preschoolers will be tested for monetary acuity, and those scoring high enough will be brought to his winter palace to be trained as his acolytes. But those who fail in their obedience training will be put to death. "I am Greenspan! Thou shalt have no other monetarists before me! The man who maketh market policy without me, surely he shall die. Greenspan has spoken." The press conference then took a turn for the worse when Greenspan bit a reporter from the Wall Street Journal and, blood dripping from his mouth, screamed, "I am Greenspan!! You puny humans live to worship and sustain me! Bring me virgins to feed upon or I raise interest rates!! I can do it, too, for I am Greenspan!" - Reported by Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== NASA REPORTS FAINT CONTACT WITH PAYROLL CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (DPI) - In a follow-up to Monday's press conference, NASA Accounting IT manager Dorchus Merryweather announced that the missing Mars Team payroll had been spotted at the bottom of a crater on the planet Mars. "We can see it and we can speculate about how we put it there, but we'll never be able to make any use of it whatsoever. That's just too bad. It's a lot of money, you know." One reporter noticed that Mr. Merryweather and his assistants from NASA's business computer department wore new tee-shirts emblazoned with the NASA logo and the words, "Backoffice Bean-counter." When asked what this slogan signifies, Mr. Merryweather smiled, briefly showing his canine teeth, and said, "Oh, that's just a cute name that the scientists on the 'Buck Rogers' side of NASA have for us. They call us that every chance they get, and it only gets funnier with incessant repetition in the halls of NASA and in the employee cafeteria, where we're not even allowed to sit within one table of the special, highly- intelligent super-scientists. They get double-chocolate milk for free but we have to pay just for single-chocolate. That's OK. We're not bitter about that. Not bitter at all, I say to you. NASA fosters a team-oriented culture, and I'm just honored to be in the same building with these high and mighty geniuses." Leaving the podium, Mr. Merryweather turned and yelled, "NOW LET'S SEE ALL THOSE BUCK ROGERSES STRETCH LAST WEEK'S PAYCHECK OVER A WHOLE MONTH! THEY'RE GOING TO NEED THEIR FREE DOUBLE-CHOCOLATE MILK, BUDDY! Excuse me for shouting, and good day to you all." He and the other business programmers then turned and skipped down the hall, arms a-drape over each other's shoulders like Dorothy and her fellow yellow-brick-road skipper-downers. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Join Working Assets Long Distance Today and Help Build a Better World! We donate 1% of charges to nonprofits working for peace, human rights, equality, education and the environment -- at no extra cost to you. BONUS: 360 minutes of FREE calls + FREE ice cream when you join now! workingassets =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== ACTRESS HEMPHILL'S DEATH CAUSES MOURNING, CELEBRATION WEST COVINA, CA (DPI) - Fans of "What's Happening!!," the popular ABC sitcom that aired from 1976-79, were saddened to hear of the recent death of Shirley Hemphill, who portrayed acerbic waitress Shirley Wilson on the show. "Oh, that's really too bad," commented area resident and long-time fan Arthur Johnson. "I always loved the show. Good old Rog and Dwayne running around, Re-Run goofing everything up with his hilarious antics, and, of course, the sharp- witted Shirley adding her own unique style and verve to the mix. Good times, good times. It made me really sad when I heard that Shirley had passed. I, for one, will miss her." An entirely different reaction to the news of Hemphill's death was experienced by Dave Kelly of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. "Oh, man, I couldn't be any happier!" Kelly exclaimed. "They said I was a fool to pick her as my 8th-round Dead Pool pick. Half the guys didn't even remember who she was, but they said I could take her anyway because I didn't have a chance in hell of winning. Especially Steve--he was a real dick about it. I sure showed them, though--she was 52 when she kicked, which means 48 points for me, putting me in first place by 3 points with only a couple weeks before New Year's. Unless Reagan goes before the first, which would be a 12-pointer for Steve and give him a 9-point lead, I got the Dead Pool wrapped up! Five hundred bucks, dude! Woo-hoo!!" Kelly plans to use the prize money to fix his van and buy a wide selection of alcohol for his planned New Year's Eve extravaganza. "I think I'll make it a 'What's Happening!!' theme party and everyone can dress up. I got some great ideas how I can dress like Shirley, especially now that she's kicked it. Thank God for small miracles. 52 points, dude!" Other area Dead Pool participants, said to be "totally pissed" by the news of Hemphill's passing, could not be reached for comment. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Monday 20th December Everyone frets when the First Lady leaves the country, though it's more than obvious that she can handle herself, so it can't be concern for her safety. Personally, I rate her more highly the further away she gets. When she's stood next to me in the past, I could think of little else beyond setting my own hair on fire. But when I see a newspaper picture of her harridanizing a mosque on the West Bank, thousands upon thousands of miles away, I'm overcome with an overpowering desire to kiss her. This leads me to a surprising theory: that she should only campaign for the Senate from Europe, Africa, Russia, the Near East, the Middle East, and About As Far East As You Can Get. If we're footing the bill, I think we should be allowed to set the minimum safe distance. I don't know why I bother, though: she won't run. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |