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| The Daily Probe -- December 29, 1999 |
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To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ This Y2K stuff is just a bunch of COMMAND LINE INTERRUPTED ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! FREE Quote ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Do you have enough life insurance? BestQuote.com can help double your coverage without paying more than you now are. See for yourself with our FREE INSTANT rate comparison of five policies prepared specifically for you. There's no obligation for this free service & no salesperson will ever contact you. Visit: http://www.bestquote.com/pennmedia4.cgi <a href="http://www.bestquote.com/pennmedia4.cgi"> AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 29, 1999 =================================================================== [ MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR ] =================================================================== We all know that the world is going to come to an end at midnight on December 31st. Well, *maybe* it won't. Whatever. But just in case it doesn't, we at the Daily Probe want to make sure our bunkers are well-stocked and that we are prepared for the inevitable house-to-house street fighting. Therefore, the Probe will go dark (since there won't be any electricity anyway) with this issue, and will return with our own unique brand of truth in reporting on Monday, January 17th, 1900. See you then. We hope. =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== DAILY PROBE'S MAN OF THE CENTURY: ROY PEWTER NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - The Daily Probe announced its long-awaited Man of the Century at festivities near the magazine stand in Penn Station this weekend. The honoree: Roy Pewter of West Windsor, New Jersey. Explained Probe Editor, Peter Bauer, "Roy's one hell of a guy. I know he didn't cure cancer or defeat Stalin or nothing, but he's just such a great guy. Did you know that he has the complete set of Scoobie-Doo action figures?" Born in 1917, Pewter graduated from Rider College in 1937, then sat out World War Two with a rare uvula condition. Pewter went into the gas-station- attendant industry and pioneered the use of the question, "Will that be cash or charge?" During the boom years of the 1950s, Pewter briefly moved to Jersey City where he once saw Nelson Rockefeller in a public men's room. Longing for his ancestral home, Pewter returned to West Windsor in 1965 and safely avoided running over Bill Bradley with a truck one foggy evening on Route 206. Daily Probe owner, Chris White, had this to say about Roy Pewter, "Seems okay, enough. I like the way he parts his hair on the side instead of the middle. And he didn't cough nothing up on me at the buffet, so sure, why not? Man of the Century. Okay by me. Whatever." Roy plans to spend New Year's Eve at the slots at Bally's Atlantic City and is very excited about the new line of linoleum at Trenton Tile and Floors expected early in February. As it says on the Man of the Century plaque: "Roy Pewter -- A man who tips well and looks good in pants." - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ NEW YEARS 2000 JOE CITIZEN STYLE LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Certainly, paying a million dollars to sit in the front row for a chance to look up Barbra Streisand's nose, or jetting around the globe to celebrate New Years in 10 different airport bars, is all very glamorous. But for Ed and Eunice Tractorpants, who have never left their Iowa trailer park, or the Bronx's Eddie Vanguzzo, whose idea of a foreign locale is Atlantic City, these things probably aren't on the agenda. Our staff became interested in just what the average Joe was up to on this momentous night and sent our Kentucky Fried Chicken/Daily Probe pollsters onto the street to find out. And the results were surprising. Our pollsters discovered that a large percentage of people are anticipating the Y2K bug kicking in. Some will stand in front of banks on the off chance vault doors are suddenly flung open, while others believe vending machines will spray money into the sky. Others polled have a darker vision of the night and have been gathering weapons anticipating having to shoot everything from an irate Jesus to aggressive aliens to a vast army of Al Gore robots programmed to take away their guns. The Probe poll found that even among the more even-thinking of the public, very few want to party outside that night just in case planes do come crashing from the sky or a vengeful god tosses a few fire balls at earth to "mix it up a bit." But the largest percentage of people plan to do what they always do for New Years: looting, mayhem, and puking on one's self and one's date. A great number plan on getting arrested for drunk driving as well as waking up in a pool of their own bodily fluids. Many asked said they planned to put so much emphasis on a single night that their expectancies would be brutally and inevitably dashed. This reporter, you ask? He plans to spend the night sipping champagne, watching Dick Clark on the television. In a locked bunker. Twenty feet underground. For he saw just how large the number of you it was that plan to spend that night "making the world safe for the talking monkeys to lead." And he knows you aren't kidding. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Join Working Assets Long Distance Today and Help Build a Better World! We donate 1% of charges to nonprofits working for peace, human rights, equality, education and the environment -- at no extra cost to you. BONUS: 360 minutes of FREE calls + FREE ice cream when you join now! http://www.workingassets.com/join/form.cfm?formID=IE-571-TOP-1 =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== GRUESOME CORPSE DISRUPTS AVOO-DORAY FESTIVAL WHOVILLE (DPI) - The sudden arrival of a dead green mountain hermit in a giant sled ruined the normally harmonious Christmas morning sing-along in the town square today. The pajama-clad townspeople had just finished the third chorus of "Avoo-Doray" when someone spotted the sled bearing down on the crowd from the steep slopes of nearby Mount Crumpit. If the crowd had dispersed randomly, tragedy may have been averted; instead, the Whos nearest the approaching juggernaut attempted to create an opening in the circle of Whos by having several Whos move backward to simulate an opening door. This elegant but slow maneuver placed little Cindy Loo Who directly in the path of the sled, where she was run over and killed. The silent sled ground to a halt. The surviving Whos slowly approached, when suddenly a rabid coyote with a stick tied to its head leapt snarling from the sled. Town ranger Bubba Loo Who shot the creature dead with his Who Musket. The sled's driver turned out to be a hideous green humanoid creature, which sat frozen in the seat with its face contorted in a wide grin with endless curlicue crinkles at the ends. Coroner Dr. Ululoo Who examined the creature and estimated the time of death at mere minutes before the sled's arrival in town. He pointed to the gaping hole in the chest cavity and said that its heart had rapidly enlarged beyond the point of bursting. Dr. Who will conduct an autopsy to confirm the cause of death, but only after the Roast Beast luncheon later today. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== JOHN ROCKER STABLE AFTER EMERGENCY SURGERY ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - Atlanta Braves relief pitcher John Rocker is in serious but stable condition after a thirteen-hour emergency operation to remove his foot from his own mouth. "All things considered, he's doing pretty well," said Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig. "He's not out of the woods yet, but the procedure went pretty well and they pretty much got that foot out. We'll know soon what kind of long-term damage he'll have to deal with, but at least he's responsive." Rocker was resting comfortably by the afternoon and spoke briefly to reporters. "I was pretty scared," Rocker commented, "but I guess I'm OK now, as long as that stupid bitch brings me some more f**king painkillers. God, what the f**k is wrong with her? And that dumbass doctor, what the f**k is his name? Najarian? What the f**k kind of name is that, Portuguese or Mexican or Navajo f**cking Indian or some s**t? Stupid f**kers." When asked how he managed to wedge his foot so dangerously deep in his own mouth, Rocker responded, "I don't know. I was talking to this bitch from SI who was asking me what my problem with foreign drivers was, and as I started to respond it was really weird. I felt my foot go deeper and deeper, then all of a sudden is was wedged in there so deep you couldn't have fit a motherf**cking Chinaman in there. F**cking A., nothing this bad has happened to me since that one time when this stupid greaser cuts me off on I19, so I flip the f**ker off, wedge him off the road, and beat his sorry ass all over the shoulder. Man, I got in some heat for that one, but only because of that f**king judge. His name was 'Rabinowitz,' if you know what I mean. Nuff said, huh? F**ker. Got him back though-I sugared his gas tank faster than you can say 'Uncle Tom.'" Selig, who appeared increasingly uncomfortable during the brief exchange with reporters, announced that Rocker needed rest, placed a pillow over Rocker's face, announced "Mr. Rocker is not a racist by the way. Not a racist at all, just so you know," and the room was quickly cleared. Rocker is expected to be released on Monday afternoon, barring any further complications or unexpected foot re-lodging. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr =================================================================== [ E D I T O R I A L , S C H M E D I T O R I A L ] =================================================================== IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT, AND I'M STARTING TO GET GOOD AND SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT Hello, culture fans! You know how when the odometer in your car gets ready to turn over to the Next Big Number, you always start worrying about the possibility that the car will cease to exist as soon as it appears? Come to think of it, me neither! Or how about when you're surfing through the channels - you get right up to 99 and then you freeze, afraid to hit the "Up One" button because the television and the remote might suddenly disappear? Me NEITHER! So why do all these people think the world is going to end at midnight on December 31st? You got me. Blind stupidity, maybe? I hate to burst anybody's bubble, but THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DECEMBER 31ST! There is no such thing as DECEMBER. There is no such thing as FRIDAY! These are NAMES we have given to segments of time to help us organize ourselves. They are COMPLETELY arbitrary. We MADE THEM UP! To all the people who are hoarding flashlights, canned goods, and firearms because some moron on talk radio says it's all going to fall down at midnight, I wish to remind you: THESE PEOPLE ARE PROFESSIONAL STORYTELLERS! How to best keep you listening? By telling SCARY STORIES! Ever go on a campout when you were a kid and hear the story of "The Time A Boy And A Girl Were Necking In Their Car On Lover's Lane And Then They Went Home"? No, because that's not SCARY. Politicians, Televangelists, Moron Talk Radio Hosts - it's all the SAME GAME! All you Gloomers and Doomers out there? Now's your chance to PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS! Put your signature on the form below and return it to the Probe. If YOU'RE right, the document will be WORTHLESS because (pick one) [Society Will Be In Ruins, The Messiah Will Return, The Cosmos Will Become An Empty Void]. And if I'M right, you DESERVE to be INDIGENT and HOMELESS! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - IRREVOCABLE PROPERTY-TRANSFER/QUITCLAIM DEED I, (your name), do hereby transfer ALL my tangible property, of ANY description, to ED SCHMED of the Daily Probe. All bank accounts, real estate, automobiles, and personal effects belonging to me will become the sole property of ED SCHMED, effective ONE SECOND AFTER MIDNIGHT, DECEMBER 31ST, 1999. Being of sound mind, it is my firm and considered belief that I will no longer need these things after that time. (Signed) ___________________________ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Return this form to the Probe by midnight, December 31st. Don't delay! The Messiah's going to KICK YOUR ASS if he catches you trying to hedge your bets! This is Ed Schmed, saying "Have a Merry Christmas, a Chappy Channukah, a Snappy Solstice, a Phat Kwanzaa, a Rootin' Tootin' Ramadan, or whatever it is that brings your family together. Now SCAT!" =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 1999, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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