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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Guess the "K" in "Y2K" stood for "Kohoutek" ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Looking for great, new sites on the Web? Let eTour.com find them for you! We surf the Web to find the most unique and helpful sites out there - then we match them to your own interests! Sign up now... it's FREE and you'll be automatically entered to win an iMac! http://www.etour.com/default.asp?associd=pennmedia1 <a href="http://www.etour.com/default.asp?associd=pennmedia1"> AOL Users click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] January 17, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== WHILE WE WERE GONE NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - The world woke up on Saturday, January 1, and discovered they'd have to go to work on Monday after all. Tech stocks took a plunge, anyway, after every computer engineer in the country was executed on Tuesday, January 4, pursuant to Executive Order. Schools around the country went on high alert, fearful of violent attacks by outcast dweebs disappointed that 2000 failed to bring about the invasion of killer robots on which they'd long pinned their hopes of social redemption. But other than Steve Forbes throwing a hissy fit when no one turned up at an Iowa rally, geeks remained quiet. Miami residents, however, burned the city to the ground, protesting the INS decision to trade Dan Marino to Cuba. In foreign news, Boris Yeltsin finally broke out of the old "appoint Prime Minister, fire Prime Minister" rut he'd been in since about 1066, as far as we can tell, when he fired himself on New Year's Eve. He tried showing up for work on Monday, claiming that he'd meant to fire then Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, but was too drunk to notice which direction his termination gun was pointed. But President Putin reminded Yeltsin that he used to work for the KGB and Yeltsin wouldn't want to be shot trying to escape, would he? In election news, the Democrats engaged in several spirited debates, with Senator Bradley (Point Guard - NJ) staking out the "did too" position, while Vice President Gore stoutly defended the "did not" argument. On the Republican side, George W. Bush was held for observation after being unable to find America on a map of the United States. He was later released when doctors discovered he was just stupid and unqualified. John McCain continued to enthrall voters with his Jane Fonda jokes, but the other candidates will likely not be asked back to further debates, after Gary Bauer jumped up on his podium and yelled: "Look Ma! I'm running for President!" The most controversial moment, however, was when the South Carolina GOP debate audience stormed the stage and ran Alan Keyes up the flag pole on top of the state capitol in accordance with Southern tradition. Meanwhile, the consolidation of Internet, news, movie, and broadcasting companies under the control of Mary Tyler Moore continued. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ RIP VAN TURNER AWAKENS FROM LONG COMA ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - Billionaire Southern rake Ted Turner, in a lithium-induced coma for the past decade, snapped back to consciousness this morning and found himself in bed with aging leftist "Hanoi" Jane Fonda. A Turner spokesman reports that the startled rich man shouted, "This is not like me at all!" and bounded from the bed and ran from the room with such alacrity that he quite forgot his trousers. Mr. Turner is currently being rehabilitated in an upscale medical facility where he is being gradually informed of the key social and political developments of the past ten years; doctors have not yet decided whether to inform him that he pledged a billion dollars to the United Nations during his dark period. Meanwhile, Jane Fonda-Turner has been banished from the Turner estate. She's not leaving the marriage empty-handed, though: a generous prenuptial agreement grants her ownership of the state of Montana in the event of a divorce. The once-unwrinkly exercise maven has confided to friends that she plans to rename the state "Henryfondana" in honor of her late, seriously-disapproving-of-her father. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== ---------------------Sponsor's Message-------------------------- DON'T SOURCE SERVICES FOR YOUR BUSINESS THE OLD WAY Demandline.com allows you to name *your* price for telecommunications,financial services, staffing and more. Find out more at: http://www.demandline.com/reg_new.jsp?p=1119 ---------------------Sponsor's Message-------------------------- =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== WHICH OFFICER DO YOU WANT TO BE TODAY? REDMOND, WA (DPI) - In a stunning move that sent industry analysts scrambling for their Bartlett's Book of Awestruck Exclamations, software giant Microsoft this past week announced a management restructuring at the very top of the company. Steve Ballmer, Gates' Harvard roommate and 20-year Microsoft employee, was named President and Chief Executive Officer, while company co-founder Bill Gates named himself Chief Software Architect. Gates retained the position of Chairman of the Board. "This is big; really big," said habitual Microsoft commentator Terwilliger Throckmorton. He added, "We can only guess at the myriad changes that will now take place in Microsoft's corporate culture." The move makes Ballmer the titular, repeat tit-u-lar, head of the company, but of course Gates still runs the show. This is similar to the structure that was implemented several years ago that featured Gates and Ballmer at the helm of the company, and several other guys also running some departments. Before that, the company experimented with a structure that had several guys running major departments, but with Gates and Ballmer basically in charge. Before that, Gates had introduced the innovative "Office of the President," which featured himself and Ballmer and a couple other guys as co-presidents; at that time there were also other guys who ran other lesser parts of the company. Prior to that, Gates hired a series of presidents, each of which was mocked and ignored from behind by Gates and Ballmer and the other guys who actually ran the company. At the announcement party, a grinning Gates told the assembled throng, "I have an Excel spreadsheet where I've worked out all the possible permutations of me and Steve in charge, and a few other guys putzing around in the Executive Suite. We're now on permutation number 58, with 127 more to go. Let's do Number 59 next month." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== JIM BROWN'S EX PLANS TO WED O.J., GET MURDERED LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Jim Brown, the 65-year-old greatest NFL running back of all time, will soon serve a 6-month jail sentence for vandalizing his 25-year-old wife's car with a shovel. Monique Brown, wife of Jim, served him with divorce papers this morning, telling reporters that she is in love with O.J. Simpson, the second-greatest running back of all time. "If I'm going to be a trophy wife in a dysfunctional relationship," Ms. Brown said, "I at least think I oughta have a husband who can do the job right." Ms. Brown went on to say that she will change her name to Monique Brown Simpson, help O.J. find the real killers of Nicole Brown Simpson, befriend a Jewish waiter, then become the victim of a brutal murder which would be framed on her famous husband. O.J.'s agent told reporters that O.J. has already received calls from several racists on the Los Angeles Police Department who are looking forward to planting evidence and convincing the coroner to perform a sloppy autopsy. He also added that Monique didn't really need to befriend a Jewish waiter, as another civil trial might emotionally devastate O.J. While O.J's agent refused to speculate as to the kind of murder weapon that would mysteriously disappear this time, he added that O.J. was planning to lead police on another slow-speed chase through the L.A. streets. The agent was convinced that ratings would be significantly lower on a "been-there, done-that" slow- speed chase, and was trying to get O.J. to consider a country-club hostage situation or some sort of bomb threat as alternatives. According to Los Angeles County prosecutors, Ms. Brown reportedly placed a call to her estranged husband this morning in which she said that she would take him back if he'd stop this macho bullshit and just get Johnnie Cochran on the phone. - Reported by Paul K. Djunn =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! 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