sign up –
free! log
in start a
list search home
|
|
|
| sign up –
free! log
in start a
list search home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- January 19, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to
probe-uns-@topica.com ==================================================================[ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Good to the last laugh ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] ================================================================== DELECTABLE CHOCOLATE APPLES Searching for that unique gift for Valentine's Day? Give the gift you would love to eat... Picture the largest, freshest apple you have ever seen. Then drench it with mouth-watering layers of homemade creamy caramel, the finest milk and white chocolate, and several varieties of fancy nuts and toppings. All put together, it's the most elegant, edible creation. http://www.heavensentbears.com/chocolate.html ================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] January 19, 2000 ==================================================================[ DOMESTIC NEWS ] ================================================================== KEYES LEADS BUSH WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - The release of the Republican presidential candidates' medical records has shaken up the race, injecting new life into the candidacy of Alan Keyes while at the same time raising the specter of racial stereotype. The medical records show that, while frontrunner George W. Bush leads in fundraising endowment by a margin of two-to-one, he *trails* leader Alan Keyes in manly endowment by that same margin. Without citing the exact measurement, the just-released medical data shows Keyes to be in possession of a Rooseveltian big stick, despite his staunch refusal to talk softly. "Quite simply, the man is hung like Abraham Lincoln's leg," says Republican Proctologist Dr. Harry Shaft. Keyes dismissed the report as "feeding racial stereotypes," but at the same time shot a backward glance at Gov. Bush -- barely unable to suppress a chuckle at his effeminate slacks, falling precipitously to his ankles -- unimpeded by bone or flesh. A spokesperson for the Bush campaign indicated that Bush advocated a policy of "Compassionate Virility" and stressed he would "surround himself with big-peckered advisors." The records of the remaining candidates revealed that Sen. John McCain's manhood was extremely volatile -- remaining dormant for large periods of time, then becoming violently inflamed and potentially dangerous. Details of the organs of Gary Bauer, Steve Forbes, and Orrin Hatch were not released pending further efforts to locate third parties who have come in contact with them. - Reported by Jim Rosenberg <a href="http://www.mrmonologue.com/">Mr. Monologue</a> ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CHERRY HILL CHIC NEWARK, NJ (DPI) - Seattle owned the '90s, but the '00s have their feet firmly cemented in New Jersey, say culture experts. With "The Sopranos" dominating television, Kevin Smith making his mark at the movies, and Bill Bradley storming across the political landscape with a fire previously known only to Joe Piscopo's career, New Jersey has "got the '00s right here, buddy!" Daily Probe fashion consultant, Vinnie "Pleats" Piccata, offers the following suggestions for keeping up with the latest styles: "Youse broads should go for the big hair. I'm talkin' hair spray, baby, and lots of it. And there's no such thing as too much eye make-up, capice? Now boys, ain't nobody ever gone wrong with a velour running suit. Everybody's gonna be carryin' lots of change around in the '00s, as if they was needin' it for the goddamned tolls on the Garden State Parkway. Don't matter you live in Alabama, fer crissakes, it's the look, you know? And you wanna be always talkin' 'bout who's playing at the Trop down the shore." Piccata expects the "in" baby names this year will be Elizabeth, Camden, Rahway, and Paramus. "Elizabeth if they're stinky," explained Piccata. Look for New Jersey's breakthrough "Industrial-Waste" rock band, Jimmy Hoffa & the Meadowlands, coming soon from You Didn't See Nuthin' Records. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ==================================================================[ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] ================================================================== -------------------------Sponsor's Message------------------------- DON'T SOURCE SERVICES FOR YOUR BUSINESS THE OLD WAY Demandline.com allows you to name *your* price for telecommunications,financial services, staffing and more. Find out more at: http://www.demandline.com/reg_new.jsp?p=1119 -------------------------Sponsor's Message------------------------- ==================================================================[ WORLD NEWS ] ================================================================== HE'S COMING ALONG SLOWLY PINTA ISLAND, GALÁPAGOS (DPI) - Researchers at the Darwin Research Station may have made a breakthrough in an attempt to revive a dying subspecies of the giant Galápagos tortoises. "Lonesome George" is the last remaining male of his kind, and scientists have tried unsuccessfully to encourage him to breed with several different females of related subspecies, but he's turned down every one of the profferred females. "At first we tried giving them a private pen, then some mood lighting, then raw oysters and Colt-45," said Dr. Peffry Jowels. "Then we tried some particularly naughty turtle-porn footage from old National Geographic documentaries, but we just couldn't, ahem, get him to come out of his shell." Fearing that George was, in fact, gay, researchers ran some tests of George's DNA and compared it to other tortoises from nearby islands. Due to a freak accident in the genetic database, scientists have found an almost perfect match between George's DNA and that of television personality Rosie O'Donnell. "We admit we were a bit shocked at first, but we showed George a video of her talk show, and he positively mooned over her," said Jowels. Insiders close to the star indicate that she is "excited about the prospect of a date this Friday night," but when approached directly for a comment, O'Donnell merely slingshotted a kooshball at the interviewer. - Reported by Matthew Shapiro ==================================================================[ SHOWBIZ ] ================================================================== WHITNEY HITS HAWAII "HIGH" NOTE KAHLUA KOVE, HI (DPI) - Singer Whitney Houston's voice usually gives pleasure and earns applause. Today it helped her to commit a drug crime--namely, possession of 15.2 grams of marijuana. The illegal stash was found in her purse by private security guards who were just looking in there out of curiosity, not really expecting the pop diva to have anything, but enjoying the sensation of rummaging through her mink-lined celebrity clutchpurse. They were very surprised to find a bag -- almost a loaf -- of Maui Wowie ensconced in the stylish leather tote. "She didn't try to hide it at all," said one guard. "I think she may have been 'partaking' before she got to the airport, if you know what I mean." Just in case we didn't know what he meant, he mimed the typical actions of someone puffing a doobie. The guards, who do not have arrest powers, told her to sit right there while they called the real police. Ms. Houston then proceeded to roll a large joint using her entire supply of weed, and to smoke it right there at the guard station. When the police arrived, the burning hemp was still large enough to constitute felony possession but it was disappearing fast, so the men in blue brandished their handcuffs and started their Miranda duet. Suddenly, the enlightened songstress gave forth a long, high bellow -- the self-same note that she uses to mar many of her otherwise perfect recordings. You can hear this note in the loud screaming parts of her "I Will Always Love You," for instance, and a couple of times in her rendition of our own National Anthem. Live, with no sound-shielding equipment, the piercing honk brought the police and distant pedestrians to their knees in agony. As people writhed around her like dazed zombies, Ms. Houston was able to smoke down her roach until not even ashes were left. She then boarded her waiting plane with a flirtatious flip of her hair and a triumphant smirk at the eardrum-bleeding lawmen. - Reported by Chris Jones ==================================================================[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] ==================================================================[ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] ==================================================================TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com ==================================================================[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ==================================================================  |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 Topica, Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms | Anti-Spam Policy |