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| The Daily Probe -- January 24, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the news we got to print ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== GET AN INSTANT $10 OFF+FREE SHIPPING on ANY order of $20 or more @ Petstore.com! Whether you own dogs, cats, tropical fish or small critters, you'll be able to choose from a HUGE selection of pet products and supplies. Check-out our New Year's specials to suit your fancy and your pets' too! FREE SHIPPING included! Offer expires 1/31/00. http://www.petstore.com/promo/2000q1/aem39b <a href="http://www.petstore.com/promo/2000q1/aem39b">AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] January 24, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== HABITAT FOR INHUMANITY GETS BUSY IN 2000 WOBURN, MA (DPI) - Habitat for Inhumanity announced it plans to build 15 new dwellings for the underprivileged in Woburn that experts promise will, "totally mess with the tenants' minds." Exiled from Habitat for Humanity for refusing to make right angles, wire an electrical plug safely, or make the distinction between hot and cold running water, the builders feel their charitable acts are largely misunderstood. Psychologists agree that forcing people to live in a house with no right angles, oddly sloping floors and ceilings, false perspectives, electrical outlets wired for European electrical currents randomly placed in the ceiling, toilets with hot water supply lines, and cooking equipment located only in the master bathroom, can quickly create distress among the occupants. Tenants of the last Habitat for Humanity house Bucknick's crew worked on complained of vertigo, nausea, and existential angst after living in the house for only two days. One tenant said, "With every flat plane sloping either toward or away from an imaginary vanishing point at angles impossible for the human brain to comprehend, and the constant stench of a toilet supplied with nearly boiling hot water, I've turned to the writings of Sartre and Kirkegaard to try to make sense of a world in which God is dead and my electrical outlets won't power anything except my Mentos night light." Despite criticism, Bucknick is adamant about continuing to help the local community. He has no plans to stop building homes for the underprivileged critics have called "hellishly surreal." "I heard the same complaints from the people who moved into the state institution for the criminally poor I built in Peru, but you don't hear any of them complaining now, do you?" - Reported by Martell Stroup ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BUSH HELD BACK TO REPEAT IOWA SCHOOL VISIT DES MOINES, IA (DPI) - GOP front-runner George W. Bush (Huh? - TX), flunked a last-minute campaign appearance at an Iowa school on Friday. While visiting a history class at Santayana Elementary School, a reporter asked Bush what he would do to ease tensions between Congress and the United Nations, and Bush responded with his patented: "Whatever's right." This answer did not satisfy fourth- grader Alfie Sprouts, who pressed Bush to clarify his answer. "What does that mean? What is the right thing to do?" Bush thought for a moment, smirked, and clarified: "I'll do what's fair." Alfie's friend, Ernie Corn, then questioned, "What's that?" When Bush faltered, the teacher, Mrs. Applecart, had to remind him to keep his eyes on his own paper. Bush tried to get out of his hole: "Um, it's about, you know, the world. The world is big. Real big. And there's people in it. Real people. Did you kids ever see that show? Byron Nelson was a card. Uh, what was McCain's answer? 'Cos then I can say that whatever he proposed is risky. Is that good?" Bush was able to say that if elected he would appoint Carmen Sandiego his U.N. Secretary, "'Cos she seems to know where places are and stuff. Like Dutch. I can never find Dutch on a map." Mrs. Applecart had to leave to break up an eraser fight between Al Gore and Bill Bradley, and did not have time to comment on Bush's answer. - Reported by Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Looking for the best new sites on the Web? eTour.com is a FREE service that brings great websites right to you - matched to your own unique interests. No long lists of links - we just deliver the best sites on the Web, so you don't have to search for them yourself. It's like having a personal remote control for the Internet! Click here to sign up and you could win an iMac! http://www.etour.com/default.asp?associd=topica =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== DEAD MEN DON'T DUET LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Elektra Records has announced a new project it is hoped will provide a new direction for Natalie Cole, an Elektra artist whose sales have flagged since she made the last raid on her father's hit list. Nat "King" Cole, the singer's father, made a string of incredible number one hits before his tragic death in the early 1960's. Since 1991, Ms. Cole has made a career out of plundering these hits, looking for places to insert her own special brand of vocal filigree wherever her father, in his wisdom, held a note or, God forbid, paused for breath. With two such grave-robbing efforts under her belt, it was thought that she should look elsewhere for a catalogue to sully, especially since all that remains of her father's catalogue is several hundred cuts of amazing trio jazz which, while strong evidence of the man's genius, aren't exactly radio friendly for an early-millennium audience that demands space for a diva to really fly. Swoopy strings, not jazz-band vamping, are what sells these days. Therefore, Ms. Cole will now enter into a series of ghostly duets with another King, Elvis Presley, the late "King Of Rock 'N' Roll." A CD is expected to be released in late April, or as soon as engineers can replace all the soul in the recordings with the aforementioned swoopy strings as well as artificially insert "cushions" for the Ghoulish Diva's cadenzas. This first CD will contain the expected slow-burning numbers "Can't Help Falling In Love," "Love Me Tender," and "Unchained Melody," as well as special re-bastardized versions of "Hound Dog," "Jail House Rock," and a retitled "Blue Suede Pumps." Reached for comment, Clester Arron Leslie, a mere convenience store clerk in Watchout, Arkansas, said, "If I were dead, I'd be turning in my grave. Thank you very much." - Reported by Brian Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ WHO, INDEED, WANTS TO KNOW? HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - The television program, "Walker, Texas Ranger," has unintentionally opened a metaphysical can of worms. The scene: in the program of January 15, 2000, Ranger Walker approached an airplane mechanic to inquire as to the particulars of the mechanic's employment as well as of any potential criminal activities of his employer. As is customary in such scenes, the camera was positioned inside the hangar so that the viewer could see the mechanic working on the plane as well as the sight of Walker entering through the huge hangar doors. Walker approached the mechanic and asked a question as he walked. The mechanic, also following the age-old standard script, stood and wiped his gleaming wrench with a rag (a portent of the violence to come, or suggestive of homoerotic foreplay?) and responded in a thick hillbilly drawl, "Who wants to know?" only he pronounced it more like, "Whew wuntz t'KNOW?!" with bucktoothed, spittle-spraying emphasis on the last word. When Walker identified himself as a lawman, the simpleton mechanic was instantly transformed into a fighting dervish, swinging his wrench with murderous intent. The suddenly-demonic mechanic was, of course, no match for the highly trained Ranger Walker, who stepped in close where the wrench could not find him and then used secret Oriental fighting techniques to snap the man's arm bones in two. The airplane mechanic violence that reliably follows the answer to the question "Who wants to know?" leaves mystified viewers wondering: Is there any answer that would not provoke conflict, or is combat inevitable? Must the protagonist stand so close to the mechanic when he asks his provocative question, seemingly inviting a wallop from the wrench? Is this particular brand of struggle in fact a metaphor for the struggle between society (Walker) and the vanishing species that is the blue-collar worker (the mechanic)? Does Walker have special elastic jeans that allow him to kick so freely even though they are so tight? And what's the story behind that bad hairpiece?? The CBS switchboard was flooded with calls during the commercial break, demanding answers to these and other questions, as well as the reinstatement of "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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