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| The Daily Probe -- January 31, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ You got bean dip in my salsa! You got salsa in my bean dip! ] [ Hey! They're great together! ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== * FUN... CONTROVERSIAL... ADDICTIVE... and it's all FREE! * Like to Laugh... Like your news a little Bizarre... or do you like to be Teased, Brain Teasers that is? See why over one million people a day get their news, entertainment and fun from ShagMail! The widest selection of topics on the net. Visit: http://www.shagmail.com/al/affiliates.cgi?1353 <a href="http://www.shagmail.com/al/affiliates.cgi?1353">Go to ShagMail</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] January 31, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== CLINTON TO HAVE FIRST INTERACTIVE LIBRARY LITTLE ROCK, AK (DPI) - Plans for Bill Clinton's presidential library are beginning to take shape, including many interactive displays fitting for the first such institution of the new millennium. The library is tentatively slated to include: * "Is it Sex?" -- Audience members in the amphitheater will be shown individuals and couples engaged in various activities and will vote electronically whether it meets the strict definition of "sex" as laid out by the Paula Jones attorneys. The audience results will then be compared to those of President Clinton's attorneys and, if they differ, the audience will be demonized. * "Pin the Tail on the Hotspot" -- Visitors are blindfolded and given a tail to pin on a large map of sovereign nations that are involved in morally questionable activities. Whichever nation is pinned, we invade, blockade, or embargo. The other nations are safe for the time being. * "Triangulation" -- One-third of the visitors are herded into a stable marked "Conservative Republicans." Another third of the visitors are herded into a stable marked "Liberal Democrats." The remaining third are the "The Voters." The playing visitor stands in the middle and ridicules the Conservative Republicans and Liberal Democrats while The Voters clap and cheer on cue. Plans are already underway for even more exhibits. - Reported by Jim Rosenberg http://www.mrmonologue.com/ ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ RESPECTED REPORTER ARRESTED FOR VANDALISM METROPOLIS (DPI) - Investigative reporter Clark Kent of The Daily Planet was arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct and for damaging the men's room at Gotham Bar and Grill. Bar owner Jim Arbuckle stated that there had been similar incidents involving Mr. Kent in the past. "He's done this before and we let him off. Not this time. I'm tired of fixing those little holes that he drills through the urinals. I don't know what kind of tool he's using, but it zips a hole right through the porcelain and on into the wall." Bar patrons also reported hearing grenade-like detonations from the restroom, but no explosion damage was observed. In fact, Mr. Arbuckle reported that one of the toilets was cleaner than new on the inside, as though it had been sand-blasted smooth and then laminated. The arresting report states that a drunk and wobbly Clark Kent blamed the urinal damage on "Super Pee" and the explosive blasts on "Super Farts." Mr. Kent stated that his on-again off-again girlfriend, reporter Lois Lane, was off-again, so he got "Super Shitfaced." The Daily Planet has suspended Mr. Kent with pay pending the outcome of his case. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== CDNOW -- The Internet's best music source CDNOW is more than CDs -- You can download music, read reviews, buy movies on DVD and VHS, and more! http://www.cdnow.com/from=cr-5478361 =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== THE SMOTHERED BROTHERS BIRMINGHAM, AL (DPI) - Trouble seems to be following the Keno brothers, the Antiques Roadshow uber-antiquehounds, perhaps frazzled from a night spent in the Laramie (WY) Jail following an Armoire-ingestion incident. The identical twin megastar antique appraisers were caught on film engaging in what play-by-play appraiser Chris Jussel aptly described as an "all-out no-holds- barred double-breasted twin-on-twin ------slap fight." The melee started when the brothers disagreed on the value of a Victorian washstand. "Worthless," sneered Leigh Keno, standing primly alongside as brother Leslie knelt before it, tasting a smudge that he suspected might be actual Victorian-era sweat. "This knob is a repair. If you pull out the drawers, you see that the wood used is inferior to anything in use by actual quality cabinetmakers." All the while, Leslie had been crouching lower and lower before the piece. He had become fascinated by a small detail in the cabinetry and was studying it from all sides like a crow eyeing a dropped bauble. "Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut. Up," he was heard to say during his brother's lengthy condemnation of the work. Leigh Keno was not to be stopped, however. "Look, let's just go to JC Penney and buy some piece of pressed-board filth. We'll get Mom to help move it into your room." "Shut. It. Shut it. Shut it," said Leslie Keno ominously. Oblivious, the younger (by 15 minutes) Keno then stepped over the line: "It'll go perfectly next to that fake King George chair of yours." At this, Leslie Keno became ominously silent. Completing his study of the detail (which, as it turned out, was a piece of gum placed there in 1962 by the then-5-year-old owner, Earl Cagle, who had painted over it in 1985 with Behr Woodstain and forgotten about it), Leslie spryly leapt to his feet, wiped his hands on his handkerchief, and said, very pleasantly, "That what King George chair of mine, Leigh?" Ironically, it was only now that Leigh Keno detected a note of menace that was too slight for any other observer. He seemed to hesitate before responding, very quietly and sadly, "Fake. It's fake, Leslie, and you know it." Instantly, Leslie jumped on his brother with a fury observers of the prim pair have long suspected lay just beneath the surface. Scratching at Leigh's eyes, Leslie cried, "Fake, fake, it's not fake, you're the fake. Mom always liked you best, but you're just a bunch of repairs all bunched together. Worthless. She would get nothing for you at auction. Nothing!" Leigh Keno, it was reported, managed to get in a weak slap at his brother's face before startled onlookers cudgeled them senseless with whatever came to hand, including a Babe Ruth-signed baseball bat later valued at $1,500. (Appraiser Kathleen "Hottie Lotta Love" Guzman reported that the value would have been even greater but for the chunks of Keno-skull embedded in it.) It was too late to save the victorian washstand, which after several assaults, splintered beneath the combined weight of the brawling appraisers. The twins collected themselves and reported that the washstand was "probably worthless now." - Reported by Brian Jones =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Wednesday, 26th January Still smarting over the Golden Globes fiasco. In my first year as a fashion consultant to the show-going stars there's been nothing but envy, enmity, and stinging acrimony. My three fabulous clients have been singled out by the anti-Moth conspiracy for unfair derision, which was really intended for me. In my defense, Sigourney and I were feeling incredibly smurfy the night we went over initial drawings. Possibly it was unwise of us to pick our own mushrooms from the hillside for the dinner previous to this. The night Chloe came by, she spent a full hour expressing admiration for her former housemistress at prep school, and wished that she could have something matronly to lead the charge for solid, land-based zaftig fashion. When Mia dropped by later in the month asking for her sketches, I had not the heart to admit that I'd spent the week previous lying prone in an opium den, so I reached for the first thing I could find in my closet, which happened to be a tux, with a pair of reading spectacles in the pocket, alas! When Sigourney fired me in her savage way by phone on Monday, I 'stayed not upon the order of my going,' as a great man once said, hung the phone up, and had a lie-down. With mushrooms. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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