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| The Daily Probe -- February 2, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com ==================================================================[ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Contains some of the best ads since Super Bowl XXXIV ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] ================================================================== Need a website for your business? Use the ISP that TopFive.com uses! GMBWeb, Inc., can design, implement, and host your site. Don't monkey around -- call the experts. http://www.gmbweb.com/ ================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 2, 2000 ==================================================================[ ELECTION NEWS ] ================================================================== DIXVILLE NOTCH HAS SPOKEN, MUCH TO THE AMUSEMENT OF JUNIOR HIGHSCHOOLS EVERYWHERE MANCHESTER, NH (DPI) - Gov. George W. Bush (C Student - TX) thanked New Hampshire voters for his victory last night and quickly got on to the business of naming his cabinet and White House transition team. Advisors tried long into the night to explain that this was just a state primary, not the general election, but Bush kept looking in empty offices and under seat cushions for Chief Justice Rehnquist to swear him in. Finally, someone was able to find a copy of the Constitution, Democracy for Dummies, and a couple of sock puppets to explain it to the Governor. Bush smirked and nodded along with the puppet show, in apparent agreement that Punch shouldn't get to tell Judy what to do until Judy and all her little sock puppet friends got to vote in November. No one had the heart to explain that Senator McCain (John - AZ) actually won the primary. The race now moves to South Carolina, where McCain has dug a tiger pit for the Governor, covered in comic books. On the Democratic side, Vice President Al Gore (Charles Barkely - TN) and Senator Bill Bradley (Larry Bird - NJ) vowed to keep fighting each other through the summer convention, when Golan and Globus productions will premier their first feature film together, "Lying in Winter: First Blood 2000." - Probe Political Correspondent Jonathan Colan ==================================================================[ DOMESTIC NEWS ] ================================================================== WWKD? NASHUA, NH (DPI) - Pushing his agenda of a return to morality to its furthest frontier, Republican presidential candidate Alan Keyes today distributed 25,000 "What Would Keyes Do?" bracelets to New Hampshire voters. "Win or lose, these bracelets will help America become a better nation," Keyes said. "To the young woman, slithering softly out of her silky black negligee -- the soft fabric coiling silently at her smooth, thin ankles, her tender hands locked passionately behind the rugged neck of a stranger she just met an hour ago -- that bracelet will shine and twinkle and remind her of God's plan. Now, where in the f*** can I get a cold shower around here?" - Reported by Jim Rosenberg http://www.mrmonologue.com/ ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ FITS LIKE A GLOVE ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - In an unfortunate tragedy, the Pets.com spokesdog was seriously injured Sunday night when swallowed whole by an Isotoner glove. Friends of the dog say he was leaving a Super Bowl party in good spirits when, just after stepping outside into bitter cold, he was attacked by the brown leather handwear. Muffled cries for help managed to draw the attention of other party attendees who were eventually able to free the dog from his attacker with a swift tug. At this time, the dog is in fair condition at Our Lady of Sock Puppet Mercy Hospital. Injuries suffered in the incident include a dislodged button eye, a finger jutting through a hole in his upper lip, and an inability to sing his trademark song, "Spinning Wheel." Doctors are optimistic that with a little time and physical therapy, he will be able to wield a microphone again. Surgery has been scheduled for next Tuesday to repair his eye and lip. In related news, Nuveen has made special arrangements with the dog and with Industrial Light and Magic to produce a 30-second commercial spot for the upcoming NBA All-Star Game in which the dog will, through the magic of computer animation, deliver a bag of Purina ONE to a tabby cat in a small Southern California town. - Reported by Chris Walker ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ GORE INVENTS NEW CRICKET BEAUREGARD, SC (DPI) - Excitement was the watchword last night when a previously unknown species of cricket was discovered under the porch outside the building where the latest Democratic debate was held. The historic find occurred midway through the debate when this unscreened question from the audience was read aloud by the moderator: "Can any of you candidates describe a single plank of your platform that does not depend on the notion that the federal government should enhance its powers at the expense of state powers and to the detriment of individual freedoms and responsibilities? Also, how can you use altruism as a shield for your fascist policies when almost sixty years of government-by-altruistic-confiscation have manifestly failed to achieve the goals that were used to justify them?" Candidate Al Gore's hand reflexively shot up and wiggled rapidly, beseeching the moderator to call on the attached man. However, when the question sank in all the way, Mr. Gore swerved his hand downward and pretended to scratch an itch on his neck. When the scratching sound subsided, the candidates were left sitting in a silent tableau, mouths agape, unable to comprehend the alien philosophy that had motivated the question. Bill Bradley's vest fluttered menacingly over the heart region of his chest, and somewhere backstage a defibrillator beeped its readiness. Then, so deep and long was the silence that a lovely symphony of cricket chirping, normally obscured by the political hubbub, could be heard from outside. The assistant entomologist from the Gore campaign ran outside, examined the crickets, and pronounced them a new and endangered species. Upon hearing the words "endangered species," Mr. Gore snapped upright and launched into a lyrical discourse on the environment, drawing admiring gazes from the audience and leaving the hateful Libertarian-tinged question to fester, unanswered and forgotten, high among the rafters. - Reported by Chris Jones ==================================================================[ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] ================================================================== CDNOW -- The Internet's best music source CDNOW is more than CDs -- You can download music, read reviews, buy movies on DVD and VHS, and more! http://www.cdnow.com/from=cr-5478361 ==================================================================[ SPORTS ] ================================================================== GOING LONG IN AISLE 9 LOS ANGELES (DPI) - With teams scrambling to emulate the success of the Super Bowl XXXIV winning Rams, NFL coaches have added a new dimension to their scouting efforts -- the back water grocery store. Caught off guard by the success of Ram’s quarterback Kurt Warner, who a mere five years ago was bagging groceries in Hy-Vee grocery store in Cedar Falls, Iowa, pro scouts are determined not be caught flat-footed again. "Obviously, we're pros." explains Miami Dolphin scout Dirk Derby. "While we are quite certain small stores are the future of the NFL quarterback, we're not looking at every kid who smashes a carton of eggs trying to pack a bag. We're looking for real talent." Several teams have zeroed in on 19-year-old high school dropout Ed Wall, who works at a Starvin Marvin outside of Roanoke, Virginia. Although Wall has never played a down of football in his life, he has many of the qualities that scouts feel can potentially take him a long way. "I saw this Wall kid palm an entire canned ham once," Derby relays, "and whip it across two isles to his manager for a price check. Nice spin on that ham, too. The very next day I saw him get smacked by not one, but two, runaway carts in the parking lot and spin and stay on his feet ... he’s got talent and he can take a hit; he’s gonna be big." Many of the NFL talent experts, like Dallas Cowboys quarterback scout and part-time bail bondsman Everton "Bo" Aimes are excited about the salary cap room these young men could create. Aimes explains, "If it weren’t for a limit on the number of players we can keep on the squad, I could get 32,000 Ed Walls for the price of one Troy Aikman. Hell, at that rate the defense could kill one quarterback every play and we’d still get through the season in good shape. Maybe one day." It is yet to be seen if the NFL's newest experiment will work, but don’t be surprised if in the near future less rookies are coming from places like Notre Dame and Nebraska, and a lot more are from the training grounds of Piggly Wiggly and Quickie Mart. - Reported by Davejames ==================================================================[ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] ==================================================================[ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] ==================================================================TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com ==================================================================[ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ================================================================== |
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