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| The Daily Probe -- February 7, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Betcha can't read just one ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ** WIN A TRIP for 2 to PARIS ** Zing a little love in February and you could WIN a trip for two to Paris. Rekindle a relationship or make your lover blush when you email an online ZingCard, a personalized picture greeting. Zing today and you could win! Paris could be just a click away! http://www.zing.com/z?e40c172z64 <a href="http://www.zing.com/z?e40c172z64">AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 7, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== SQUIRREL-SOOTHER EXONERATED BY KIDDIE LAWYERS SALAMANDER HOLLER, GA (DPI) - When Leo Franklin Darcy heard the judge's gavel fall, he assumed that he would be watching the world from inside a prison cell for a very, very long time. Instead, thanks to the efforts of Ms. Ida Whumpet's kindergarten class, Leo Franklin Darcy is back at home with his feet propped up and with a bottle of Jack close at hand. "We were studying the legal system," said Aunt Bea look-alike Ms. Whumpet. Lord thank you for celebrity look-alikes who spare me from having to write a real description. Anyway, Aunt Whumpet continued, "Instead of just reading the entire Georgia legal code like other kindergartners do, I decided that we should seek some real-world experience." The intrepid Ms. Whumpet asked her class if they knew of anyone who might actually be in jail. As luck would have it, little Melanie Waters had an uncle named Leo who had just been sentenced to the state pen for indecent exposure and lewd behavior. His defense lawyers maintained that Uncle Leo had actually been petting a comatose hairless squirrel at the playground, and some television- bedazzled children had mistaken this for the same act of self-love that they had witnessed in a story on "Dateline NBC" the night before. Ms. Whumpet's class flooded the local attorney general's office with their endearing crayon drawings of Uncle Leo At The Park Rubbing His Squirrel, and faced with this heart-wrenching evidence, the prosecutor asked the judge to release Leo Franklin Darcy from prison and drop the charges from his record. A grateful Uncle Leo leaned back in his tattered recliner and guzzled several swallows of whiskey before telling this reporter, "I love 'em little Whumpet kiddies. They saved me twenty years in the slammer." Asked if he could ever repay his debt to the Littlest Lawyers, Leo Franklin Darcy smiled with a twinkle in his eye and said, "I'm gonna try, hell yeah. I'm goin' there for show 'n' tell next Tuesday." He leaned in close, winked, and said, "I'm gonna show 'em my squirrel." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== THERE GOES THE SUN LONDON, ENGLAND (DPI) - Ex-Beatle George Harrison held a press conference at his Henley-on-Thames estate Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day began to announce that he was "fookin' fed up with you jerks, yer know?" and leaving Earth for a distant galaxy. "Fans were a larf at first," said the former Fab. "I mean, the screaming, the mania, the girls under the beds, the cops under the beds. I can handle that. But when they started throwing those damn jelly beans at us on stage, and next it was cabbages, and then small kitchen appliances, suddenly it's not funny anymore. Ringo had his dentures knocked out only last year by a toaster oven. And now, of course, they've given up on subtlety and started ambushing us with weapons. We can take a hint, okay?" Harrison, known as the Quiet One, used a megaphone to speak with reporters while standing next to his scratch-built rocketship, "Murray the K," in which he plans to make his interstellar journey. "I put it together from some old junk I found lying around the garage," he said proudly. "Mike Nesmith from the Monkees -- you know, the Smart One -- helped me design the hyperdrive. Best of all, it runs on clean-burning, environmentally friendly hemp. I intend to show how increased use of natural hemp products can promote space exploration." When asked if he was making the flight alone, Harrison said he would be taking his wife, Olivia, the Maharishi Yogi as cabin boy, several tons of gold ingots from his Beatles royalties, "and lots of love, 'cause that's still all you need, man -- unless we run into space pirates. Luckily, I also have Olivia and a supply of heavy brass lamps." He added that the Traveling Wilburys would be joining him on a later rocket, including newest member Michael Dukakis ("Stumpy Wilbury," musical saw), and that a new recording project was a definite possibility, noting that we might hear their next hit single, via radio wave transmission, "in about fifteen thousand million years." The conference was terminated when Mrs. Harrison stuck her head out a porthole and threatened to bonk the reporters on the head. Mr. Harrison then boarded the ship, and in a puff of pungent smoke, accompanied by tinkling sitars and celestial chants of "Hari Georgeson, Hari Georgeson," the rocket levitated and disappeared. Honest. - Reported by R.D. Holly =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== RARE COMEDIES ON VIDEO! "The Movie Collector's Website" offers virtually every movie that's on video... including 1000's not found elsewhere... every movie discounted! Find 'em all at MOVIES UNLIMITED http://www.moviesunlimited.com/musite/nc.asp?id=3 =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== MOB STARTS FOOTBALL LEAGUE LAS VEGAS, NV (DPI) - The Mafia announced plans today to begin its own professional football league, starting next year. Mob president Vince Carliucci said, "Things have gotten out of hand, what with these young NFL turks moving in on traditional mob territory -- murder, drugs, weapons charges. We gotta do somethin' about it." The 4-team league will begin play in 2001 with teams in Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, and Branson, Missouri. The league's first commissioner, John Gotti III, commented, "Hey, if we'd have known pro football involved killing and maiming people, we'd have gotten into this years ago." - Reported by Tristan Fabriani =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Friday 28th January This business of Elian Gonzalez' grandmothers is wearisome, to be sure. Asked by my old friends at the Council of Anti-American Churches to escort them around the country, the week dragged on and on, especially as the two grizzled dotards endlessly compared recipes on such Cuban kitchen specialties as "Two-Dirt Salad," "Sand & Gravel Burritos," "Guano-mole," and "Compost Consomme," plus tedious remembrances of feasts past when good shoe leather would make a most healthsome and nutritious broth. The advent of canvas sneakers and rubber tire sandals twenty years ago, they told me, introduced an unacceptable level of froustiness to Havanese soups. Cuban logic confounds me: they of course flew directly to New York from Cuba, as that is the one place where young Elian was not to be found. They purchased quite fifty faux Rolexes on the street, and hilariously tried to smoke a Tampax they were given by sympathetic First-Worlders. They then met with Janet Reno, and were much taken with the gutless, double-talking shite-hawk. I recked not of the hatched-faced flibbertigibbet and stared icily out the window during the meeting in which the U.S. Attorney General asked solicitously how she may do their Dark Lord's bidding. In Miami, the grannies made hay with the press by complaining bitterly that Elian has become almost unrecognizable to them in the few months since he's lived in the U.S. Someone has sewed up the trademark holes in his clothes, which are apparently like a DNA fingerprint in Cuba. His regrettable addiction to nutrients and soap has made him an outcast in their eyes, and his almost instant conversion to toilet paper tries their souls and vexes them in the extreme. I finished up the week with a carefree mind, however, as I inadvertently learned that the two grannies are actually Ruben Blades and Edward James Olmos in drag. What devilish pranksters! =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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