my
topica start a
list search log
out home
|
|
|
| my
topica start a
list search log
out home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- February 9, 2000 |  Top5
Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ This'll hurt us more than it'll hurt you ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== COMEDY IS BEST SERVED... FRESH! WHY WAIT UP UNTIL MIDNIGHT TO LAUGH? The Daily Monologue by Jim Rosenberg is a *FREE* Leno/Letterman-style comedy monologue website and mailing list published every weekday featuring original, intelligent, up-to-the-minute topical humor. To subscribe, send a message to: monologue--@topica.com Visit the website: http://www.mrmonologue.com/ =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 9, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== VERMONT QUARTER SHOWCASES STATE'S XENOPHOBIA MONTPELIER, VT (DPI) - In a ceremony at the state Capitol, Vermont governor Howard Dean today unveiled the final design for the Vermont state quarter, to be minted as part of the U.S. Treasury's "Fifty States" line of coins. The design, which was chosen by 36% of Vermontians last November, showcases what citizens of the state believe to be their most unique and significant contribution to the United States -- hostility toward non-Vermontians. "It was a very easy vote for Vermontians to make," Dean said. "Sure, we have the Green Mountains, but this country has mountains out the ying-yang. Then, there was that guy and his Green Mountain Boys -- you know, what's-his-name. But Delaware already has a dude riding a horse on their quarter. What else were we going to do?" Dean said the winning design, submitted by artist Pierre Lupin, was both uniquely Vermontian and characteristic of the state's disdain of tourists and distrust of federal influences that threaten Vermont's sheltered way of life. Lupin's design features a farmer chasing a cross-country skier through a wooded area. The banner, which circles around the edge of the quarter, reads "GET OFF OUR ------- PROPERTY." "We have taken a lot of abuse for our snobbery over the years," Dean said. "In a way, this quarter is our answer to that abuse. It tells the rest of the country, 'Here's our quarter. Call someone who cares.'" Dean then ordered bodyguards to escort the Daily Probe news team to the Connecticut border. - Reported by Curtis Matthews ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CORRECTIONS, RETRACTIONS, AND WHOOPSES ROCHESTER, NY (DPI) - In its entertainment section, the Daily Probe reported that ABC planned to replace retiring "Spin City" star Michael J. Fox with a series of animatronic robots designed by ABC's parent company, Disney. The Probe additionally reported that members of the cast were wary of the Robotic Michael J. Fox's, Series X-1 through X-15, fearing faulty programming may cause them to go on a killing rampage on the set. However, due to a typo, "Animatronic Robot Fox" should have read "Charlie Sheen," and costar Heather Locklear's quote "torn from limb-to-limb" should have actually been attributed to a nameless source and read "no comment." Last week, it was reported here that Republican Presidential candidate Governor George W. Bush had found a way, through the help of Microsoft and Duke University Medical Center, to place his father's, former-President George Bush's, foreign policy knowledge on a microchip, which he planned to have inserted into his brain this March. We quoted the younger Bush as saying "Just wait till I open a can of foreign policy know-how on your ass now, McCain!". This report was somewhat in error. What should have been reported was "Dan Quayle endorses Bush," and the quote from Bush was meant to read "Thank you, Dan." We regret any confusion this may have caused. - Corrections noted by Davejames =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== RARE COMEDIES ON VIDEO! "The Movie Collector's Website" offers virtually every movie that's on video... including 1000's not found elsewhere... every movie discounted! Find 'em all at MOVIES UNLIMITED http://www.moviesunlimited.com/musite/nc.asp?id=3 =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== ALBRIGHT PREPARES FOR PUTIN GET-ACQUAINTED SESSION DAVOS, SWITZERLAND (DPI) - U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright today announced that she would visit Moscow to size up acting president Vladimir Putin. "We'll find out what he's got," said a smiling Madame Albright, who was thumbing through "People" magazine while her attendants teased her hair into submission. "He looks kind of small in the pictures." Setting the magazine aside, Albright turned serious and said, "Although size isn't everything. Yeltsin was a great big bear of a stud, but look at him now. I took him what, four or five times? Five, yes, thank you, Paul. Five times, and now he's stepped down because of his health. World leaders need more stamina than that. We'll see if Vladimir can live up to his name. Though 'keep in' is a lot more important than 'put in,' am I right? Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Say no more!" Madame Albright then trudged off to the next beauty station for her final oiling and perfuming session before her assignation at the Kremlin. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== TALK ABOUT HAVING THE TWELFTH MAN ON THE FIELD HEAVEN (DPI) - In an unprecedented move, God, the supreme being and ruler of the universe, has spoken out in response to the furor caused by Super Bowl MVP Kurt Warner's implication that He was on his side. "It's true," says God, "and I don't have any regrets. I love the Titans; they were scrappers and it hurt me like, well, Hell to deny them on the last play of the game. But you have to look at it from my point of view. I know that's hard, because I am, after all, all-seeing and all-knowing, so you'll just have to take my word for it: it was for the best." Working, as usual, in mysterious ways, God had little choice but to award the Vince Lombardi trophy to the former grocery store clerk and current quarterback for the Saint Louis Rams. "I knew something that nobody else knew, which is only natural because I'm God. Warner was approaching the point of despair with his checkered football career, and was considering a career in politics. I knew that that road would be paved with success for Kurt, for I gave him a true politician's mentality in order to get him through High School without getting his ass kicked every single day. However, he would be totally inappropriate for his eventual job: the United States presidency." It was an easy matter for the Deity to choose the lesser of two evils. "Make no mistake (I know *I* don't!), a Warner presidency would have set your nation back at least 50 years in the areas of education, finance, and world standing. Let the little man have his trophy. He's welcome to it. Now get outta here, little guy." With a muss of this reporter's head and a wave over the back, the Almighty departed and we found ourselves back in the newsroom. - Reported by Brain Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms | Anti-Spam Policy |