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| The Daily Probe -- February 14, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ I <heart> The Daily Probe ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== It's that time of the year again, and TopFive has a surprise for you... VALENTINE'S CARDS! We've come up with over 70 hilarious cards which are either blisteringly charming or blisteringly snotty -- either way, *somebody's* gonna get blisters! We've got cards to help you seduce someone, cards for your EX-Valentine, and X-rated cards. Go to our website and read them, then send them to as many people as you want, for FREE! Your "targets" will receive them via email -- no having to pick them up online somewhere. http://www.topfive.com/ =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 14, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== YOU JUST SIT AT HOME AND WATERGATE NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Former Beach Boys Slayer, James Watt, joined Rudy Guiliani at Gracie Mansion yesterday to attack Hillary Clinton's use of the Billy Joel song, "Captain Jack," at her campaign kick-off over the weekend. Said Watt, "Middle of the road pop stars are the surest path to the destruction of Western Civilization. First it's Billy Joel, then it's Jimmy Buffet, and the next thing you know, school children are being captivated by Lionel Ritchie. Who'll be dancing on the ceiling then, I ask you? The International Communist Balladeer Conspiracy, that's who." Guiliani immediately declared Billy Joel illegal within the city of New York and instructed his police force to shoot the singer- songwriter on sight. Then to shoot him forty more times, just to be sure. Meanwhile, Hillary met with Paul McCartney to make sure the former Beatle hasn't put a drug reference in his songs for at least as long as George W. Bush claims not to have used cocaine. The meeting was successful, and Hillary's new campaign song will be "Hi, Hi, Hi." Don McLean's "Vincent" was considered but rejected as in bad taste. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ SMILE, YOU HAVE TWO HOURS TO MEET OUR DEMANDS LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Peter Funt and Suzanne Somers didn't set out to be heroes--it just turned out that way. The "Candid Camera" prankmeisters and their production crew were returning by jetliner from a foray into the nation's heartland to collect more funny gags on film. The show can no longer be produced on either coast because hip urban types either don't fall for lame tricks, or else they pull guns from their pockets and commence firing when Funt & Company accost them on the street with some wacky scenario. The show has been filmed in the Dakotas, land of laconic gullibility, for the last four seasons. As their commercial airliner reached cruising altitude, a band of hijackers took over the plane and demanded to be flown to Miami. The hooded men, who had un-American accents, also demanded that Elian Gonzalez's grandmother--specifically, "the naughty tongue- nibbling peepee-pulling one,"--meet them when the plane landed. Sensing danger, Peter Funt began signaling Suzanne and the film crew with his outlandish white eyebrows. After years of matriculation in Funt U., they needed no more prompting. First, Ms. Somers arched her back and then crossed her legs as she does on the show, revealing her aged yet astoundingly firm and meaty thighs all the way up to heaven. Narf. The hijackers' attention was riveted on this delightful womanly smorgasbord. Meanwhile, the rest of the crew prepared the plane for a clever series of pranks. One hijacker was fooled by the old "kangaroo in the bathroom" gag, and while he was laughing at his own foolishness he was subdued. Another hijacker was taken in by the "mind-of-its- own drink cart." He followed the cart all the way to the back of the plane, where he was conked on the head and stuffed into an overhead compartment. Finally, the leader of the desperadoes was disarmed--well, killed, really--by the old "knock-knock; who's there?" fake door trick, which led him to exit the plane at 40,000 feet of altitude. Mr. Funt then turned to one of the cameras with that dead-eyed stare of his and said, "Uh oh, Suzanne, that first step was a doozy." Of course, candid cameras were rolling the entire time, so the whole dangerous yet ultimately funny episode will be seen next week. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== ClubTop5 has changed my life. What did I pay, $12 for the entire year? I spend more than that on lunch! - Len Pal ClubTop5 ranks up there with This Is True for great premium subscriptions. - Scott Ventura ClubTop 5 is a ray of fun every day. I've been a subscriber from the beginning and it's never failed to make me laugh at least once. - Lonnie Falk ClubTop5: A buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY EXTRAORDINARY ARTICLE EVER PRINTED ENCINO, CA (DPI) - Authorities reported an unnamed local resident, described only as a medically diagnosed Hype junkie, died of withdrawal late last night. An autopsy conducted by the UCLA Medical Center showed the woman was in the advance stages of Hype addiction. "Her eyes were as wide as plates ... even in death, her ears the size of pancakes, her adrenaline gland bigger than a watermelon, and the most tell-tale sign, a seriously atrophied brain," explained UCLA physician Dr. Watford. Watford, like many doctors, is speaking out on Hype addiction as he believes this death is just the beginning of many. "It's a terrible time for people addicted to Hype. They had a full year of very addictive mainlining: Y-2K Apocalypse hype, greatest this or that of the century hype, the biggest New Years ever hype, e-business hype, terrorist hype. Then when that was barely over there was Super Bowl hype, Super Bowl commercial hype, Presidential Primary hype, followed by television's sweeps hype. A time of hyper hype. Now that everything has settled down, there's nothing." Watford and others have put together a "Coping With Hype Withdrawal" pamphlet, which includes, among many things, coming down slowly by watching a few hours of WWF. "Even if you are not a wrestling fan, there is enough built-in hype to keep your adreno-hypo levels from radically dropping. And if you find yourself away from your home, losing hype quickly, pull over to the nearest store and buy a tabloid. This will tide you over." In the meantime, Watford suggests, if you are a hype junkie, don't be fooled by the swell of hype for the upcoming Oscars; get hype help now while you can. - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== LACROSSE FANS' STATUS DOWNGRADED TO "ENDANGERED" WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Interior secretary Bruce Babbitt today ordered the condition of the American lacrosse fan moved from "threatened species" to "endangered species," following the death of 87-year-old lacrosse fan Cyrus L. Walpole last Friday. Walpole's death, which dropped the number of lacrosse fans in America to 49, enables the lacrosse fan to be protected under the United States Endangered Species Act. The lacrosse fan has been considered a "threatened species" since 1974. Centered around mostly Ivy League universities, they are characterized by their interest in their sport of lacrosse, which they attend on a regular basis and sometimes watch on closed- circuit television. No new lacrosse fans had been added to the population since 1989, when University of Pennsylvania co-ed Wendy LaRussa began attending UPenn lacrosse matches in an attempt to 'get to know' lacrosse player and political science major Peter Coulomb. LaRussa retained interest in the sport, even after finding out Coulomb was gay. The numbers have dwindled ever since, from 61 in 1990 to just 49 with the death of Walpole last Friday. The downgrade of the lacrosse fan to "endangered" means all 49 remaining lacrosse fans will be relocated to a special reservation 1/2 mile outside of the campus of Yale University. In a prepared statement from the U.S. Department of the Interior, Secretary Babbitt hopes the reservation--which features a peaceful environ- ment, amenities, and numerous video monitors showing videotapes of lacrosse matches--will encourage lacrosse fans to breed. - Reported by Curtis Matthews =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Monday 7th February She's declared she's running. Perhaps I underestimated her neck after all. But I've been approached by the Sexual Relations Party to challenge both her and Rudy, and earlier in the week was visited by a delegation from the Vince Foster Was Gay Society. I suspect both these groups to be fronts for the People's Alliteration Convention, a shadow group that will stop at nothing to uncover the extent of the information I hold on Our First Lady. I did, after all, once date the Classics Mistress at Wellesley, who was the holder of a vast number of Sapphic secrets. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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