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| The Daily Probe -- February 28, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Official humor newspaper of Jennifer Lopez' dress ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ClubTop5 is a ray of fun every day. I've been a subscriber from the beginning and it's never failed to make me laugh at least once. - Lonnie Falk ClubTop5 ranks up there with This Is True for great premium subscriptions. - Scott Ventura ClubTop5 has changed my life. What did I pay, $12 for the entire year? I spend more than that on lunch! - Len Pal ClubTop5: A buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm ================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 28, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== UNTIPPED WAITRESS CALM IN FACE OF CALAMITY NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Tricia Trucho didn't set out to be a heroine-- it just turned out that way. The 31-year-old waitress and single mother became the focus of national attention after she served First Lady-cum-senate candidate Hillary Clinton breakfast, then famously received no tip. Speaking to reporters outside the Village House Restaurant, Ms. Trucho said, "I don't need her tip. I'm doing just fine on my own, living off the sweat of my brow. And a government check every two weeks. And the Earned Income Tax Credit. And food stamps. And subsidized public housing. And free medical care at the emergency room any time I get a sniffle. And free breakfast and lunch for my boy Pugsley down at the school. Thanks to the choices I have made, I am completely independent." Asked if she would be voting Libertarian this year, Ms. Trucho scoffed and said, "Hell, no. I only make $5,000 a year, not counting the tips that I don't claim on my tax return. I'm voting a straight Democratic ticket. How else do you think I can afford to be so independent?" Come to think of it, maybe Hillary Clinton and her ilk have already done enough for this lady. Let's all give Hillary a break. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ SIM CANDIDATE SULKS IN A POOL OF HIS OWN URINE RICHMOND, VA (DPI) - GOP party leaders have become increasingly frustrated with their inability to get their Sim Candidate to campaign properly or even use proper toilet facilities. Said GOP Senate Leader, Trent Lott (Henchman - MS), "We bought the software, created an amiable weak governor character, programmed him with pithy, meaningless slogans and money up the wazoo, and what does he do? He sits in his hotel room, ordering pizzas and peeing on the floor. When we do manage to get him out to talk to voters, he blathers on nonsensically while a thought balloon pops up indicating he'd like some tequila and cocaine." Things have gotten worse in recent days, when the GOP's Reverend Zealotson character tried to give Sim Candidate a back rub, and Sim Candidate reacted with annoyance, only to then get into bed with the Reverend. In a stunning development, Sim Candidate's rival, John McCain (Jedi Knight - AZ), this weekend was discovered to be a Republican, with all the evil that entails. The discovery has left his Democratic and Independent supporters shocked and confused. Libby Lefter's experience is typical: "The last thing I remember I was sitting in a meeting of the Society for the Protection of Atheist Flag-Burning Abortion-Providers, and then I woke up and found myself crawling out of a Michigan GOP Primary voting booth, feeling dirty and used. You mean McCain doesn't want to save the whales? But he sounded so sincere when he said he loved me!" Meanwhile, on the Democratic front, Al Gore did something stupid and embarrassing. No details were available, but does it really matter? - Reported by Jonathan Colan =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Learn more with SmartPlanet. It's a new way of learning online. SmartPlanet offers hundreds of courses for both your personal and professional life to take on your time, in your space. Join for FREE today! http://jump.topica.com/SmartPlanet =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== PARENTS LOSE MINDS AT DAUGHTER'S WEDDING ANATEVKA, RUSSIA (DPI) - The wedding yesterday of Zeedel Schlepstein and the tailor Motel Khamzoil was marred by an attack of dementia which struck the bride's parents. Near the end of the Jewish nuptial ceremony, father Tevya Schlepstein suddenly doubted the identity of his own daughter and bellowed, "Is THIS the little girl I carried?" His wife, Golda, then mistook the grown-up tailor for a child, and sang out, "Is this the little boy at play?" Witnesses say that both parents then seemed to go back in time ten or twelve years, declaring loudly, "I don't remember growing older. When did they?" Town butcher Lazar Wolf, who doubles as town doctor, speculated that the strange behavior was the result of the stress of having five daughters, each requiring a dowry come wedding time. Overwork and malnutrition may have also contributed to the altered mental state. Said Doctor Wolf, "This is not the first time Tevya has lost his mind in public. On his good days, he thinks he has a direct line to God, and just the other day he was stomping around in his rat hole of a barn, jabbering some diggah diggah deedle dum nonsense and singing about what a rich guy he is. He is not rich, you know. He is a milkman." The wedding was completed, but only after Tevya and Golda engaged in a shouted argument about whether the sun was rising or setting. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== NBA SPORTS, UM, SHORTS LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - With most reporters still rendered unconscious by the blast wave of hype they created over Vince Carter's Slam Dunk Contest performance, the NBA seemed all but forgotten over the few weeks since the All-Star break. The biggest news comes from Los Angeles, where the Clippers have finally shown up to play to their potential. They've lost 11 straight games and counting. When asked whether he was concerned about the condition of his team, owner Donald Sterling remarked, "What's this team you keep blabbering about and where the hell did I park my Navigator?" A special committee was formed by the players' union to develop an action plan in hopes that they can convince the Pacific Division players to kick a little less ass so that the rest of the teams in the league won't look quite so pathetic. Committee chair and Pacers center, Rik Smits, told reporters, "We really appreciate the way the Clippers have tanked in their show of solidarity, but if the Lakers and Blazers keep it up, we'll have no choice but to call in Sprewell to break some knees." When asked for their opinions on the matter, east coast fans continued to nap. As part of the 3-way trade that sent Toni Kukoc to the 76'ers, 2 guys were sent from Philadelphia to Golden State, who then sent 2 guys to Chicago. Daily Probe reporters tried to contact Golden State players for their reactions but couldn't remember any of their names. - Reported by Chris Walker =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== PHILBIN GIVES FINAL ANSWER LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Sponsors of the hit game show "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?," concerned over the large amounts of money being awarded continuously, have asked the show's producers to either make the questions harder or "find dumber contestants." Executive producer and host Regis Philbin declared that he would continue to use only questions that he could answer himself, including a lifeline to Cody Gifford and a poll of an audience of foreign tourists with a questionable command of the English language. "That kinda crap may fly for Stein and Trebek," stated sponsor coalition spokesman Noah Skrooples, "but Regis is no Ben Stein." A nationwide search for less intelligent contestants has network executives considering changing the show's title to "Whose Parakeet Wants To Be A Millionaire?" - Reported by Kevin Wickart =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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