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| The Daily Probe -- March 1, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Coming in like a lion ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Play Games, Have Fun, Win a Trip - at pogo.com! What's the best game you have ever played? Chances are it's at pogo.com we have online games for everyone! Visit today and enter our Games for Everyone sweepstakes -- you could win everything from board games to a free trip to Los Angeles and be a studio audience member of actual GAME shows! Refer your friends & earn extra entries! http://agency002.webstakes.com/pogo/ <a href="http://agency002.webstakes.com/pogo/"> AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 1, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== THE WIDOW GORE SPEAKS NASHVILLE, TN (DPI) - Speaking briefly after burying her husband, Tipper Gore today called for an end to "the politics of personal destruction," which she blamed for taking the life of her "soulmate," Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore. Gore was killed Saturday by a "push poll" that was jammed into his aorta by a charging Bill Bradley in full war cry. "We can, and we must, end these vicious personal attacks," said Mrs. Gore, speaking over a coffin which had to be closed due to the numerous deep body cavity wounds inflicted on the Vice- President by Bradley's "personal, and highly negative attacks." Senator Bradley, not present at the funeral, issued a press release noting that "Al Gore has mischaracterized my health plan as spending the entire surplus. While I regret the brutal stabbing and murder of the Vice-President, it is not a 'personal attack' to respond to these kinds of purposeful lies." - Reported by Jim Rosenberg http://www.mrmonologue.com/ =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== PROTESTERS GET A TASTE OF THEIR OWN MEDICINE BANGKOK, THAILAND (DPI) - A crowd of cream-pie-wielding protesters tried to disrupt the meeting of the United Nations Conference on Trade and Development here today, but they were dispersed by riot police armed with higher-caliber baked goods. The first wave of protesters was beaten back by a barrage of Edwards Home Style Pecan Pies, still frozen and in the box. The parallels with silent films of the 1920's were unmistakable, and since it was only pies, the bloody wounds inflicted on the rioters were considered humorous, not hurtful. Good intelligence work by Interpol led to the discovery of the anti-capitalist Holy Pie Gang's hideout under a bridge in Bangkok. The bridge and the plywood huts under it were then destroyed by police using a very, very large walnut cake with double the walnuts called for in the recipe. Bangkok's Commissioner of Violent Suppression, Nyortotheen Piyapongromama, surveyed the rubble where once a village stood and said with a smile, "Somehow these people think that they can mask their violence by using cream pies. Those pies hurt. Rest assured that we will meet a tap with a slap, a slap with a fist, a fist with a log, and if necessary, a pie with a bakery." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== THIS SPACE FOR RENT! This is the internet -- you want an ad with attitude. Top5 Productions reaches over 110,000 people every day. For information, send email to sal-@topfive.com =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== A STRAW ABOUT TO BLOW NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Some moments are so emotionally compelling that they're hard to describe, but too significant to leave undescribed. Lou Gehrig's unforgettable speech to Yankee fans and the world on Lou Gehrig Appreciation Day on July 4th, 1939 was one such moment. The day my wife told me she was leaving me and taking my mother and our daughters to live at a lesbian farm was another. But as powerful as those moments were, they won't match the Bronx day Darryl Strawberry made his final speech as a Yankee. The fact that Lou Gehrig gave his speech in 1939, and Strawberry gave his speech at the age of 39, is only one of the amazing parallels between the two players. Another parallel is that Lou Gehrig attended Columbia University, and Darryl Strawberry bought cocaine from Columbia near Columbia University. Not even the fact that Strawberry got down on his hands and knees and tried to snort the white lines between the bases before the ceremony could dim the brilliance of his address. We print it below without editing. "Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about a bad drug test I got. Yet today, I consider myself the most coked-up has-been on the face of the earth. I have been in ballparks for 20 years and I have never received anything but the kindness of fans, repeated suspensions from the Commissioner's Office, and some of the finest blow you can imagine. Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of your career - even if you were straight, which I haven't been for as long as I can remember - just to associate with them for even one day? "Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't have considered it a great honor to have cashed checks signed by George Steinbrenner? To have everybody talk about what a lowlife you are compared to Mr. Perfect, Derek Jeter? Then to have spent every penny you ever made or ever would make on Bolivian Marching Powder? Sure I'm lucky. I'm lucky I haven't overdosed yet. "When everybody down to the groundskeeper and those boys in white coats at the rehab center remember you with trophies, that's something. When you have a father and mother work all their lives so that you can snort your career right up your nose, that's really something. When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and always comes to visit when you're in detox, that's the finest thing I know, next to cocaine. "So I close in saying that I might have had a bad break, but I have an awful lot to live for. So much cocaine, so little time!" And there was hardly a dry eye in the House That Ruth Built as Strawberry left that field for the last time, dragged bodily by Yankee security officers as he made yet another desperate pass at the tempting base lines of Yankee Stadium. - Reported by Brother Paul Somerville =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== GREED ISN'T ENOUGH LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - FOX Network analysts have announced that they are trading on the bizarre popularity of "Greed" to create an entire series of prime-time game shows. FOX Chief of Development, Shrivlup Andropov, explains: "We've learned that people are basically nasty, and would trade their own children for a chance at a new dining room set. The most successful game shows of all time appealed to mankind's basic need for avarice and violence. Just look at some of the titles--'Greed,' 'Jeopardy,' 'Family Feud,' 'Beat the Clock'--all violent names." A press release issued by FOX today indicated that production has begun on show concepts based on five of the remaining six deadly sins. "We tried to copyright 'Lust,' but that is owned by 'Change of Heart,'" Andropov commented. In response, Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network has begun production on game shows based on virtues. CBN's first release is scheduled to be "Faith," in which contestants win cash and valuable prizes by performing miracles such as transubstantiating water to wine, walking upon the waters, and healing lepers. - Reported by Kevin Wickart =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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