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| The Daily Probe -- March 3, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Extra funny for sweeps week ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Top5 Contributors have their own websites, too. That's right, someone gave these people space on the internet! And get a look at what they've done with it... The Big Dump Truck http://www.bigdumptruck.com/ Mr. Monologue http://www.mrmonologue.com/ The Full Deck http://www.thefulldeck.com/ The Boy With Immovable Hair http://members.aol.com/tbwih Center for the Easily Amused http://www.amused.com/ The Daily Smear http://www.dailysmear.com/ The Realm of Niftyness http://udel.edu/~jgephart The Daily Quiz http://www.foofoo.com/ The Usual Suspects http://www.clemens.org/suspects.htm The Psychic Detective Agency http://www.psychicdetectives.com/ Artist Information http://www.artistinformation.com/ Linguicide http://www.linguicide.com/ =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 3, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== LIFE IMITATES SPORTS CHICAGO, IL (DPI) - Nelson Schmenkerton was suspended for 30 days without pay from his job as a cashier at a Subway sandwich shop. The suspension came after Schmenkerton, "Schmenky" to his friends, purposely clocked a co-worker, Burt Arget, with a stale foot-long loaf of wheat bread. When asked for his opinion on the suspension, he remarked, "I don't know what came over me. It had been a tough day of making sandwiches with lots of special requests like 'no cheese' and 'easy on the vinegar' so I guess I just wanted to send Burt a message. I think the management was justified in suspending me, but you'd be surprised how often this kind of thing happens. Had I just shoved him really hard into the spit shield like last week, nobody would've thought anything of it." Other co-workers were shocked to learn of the incident, and Assistant Manager Doug Hardy told the Probe, "Schmenky was always a bit of a roughhouser, throwing hot meatballs around and putting the other sandwich artists in full nelsons. Once he even socked me in the nuts with a frozen block of our unidentifiable cheese. He's the third most written-up employee in Subway history but nobody saw this coming. It's devastating." Across town at Paul's Drugs, James Norton was suspended from his job as pharmacist for a full year after his 8,267th failed drug test. Norton was an eight-time Pharmacist All-Star with a less than spotless record, but his supervisor Stu Padideot insists that they'll be happy to welcome Norton back in one year's time, saying, "Hey, guys like Jimbo put butts in the pharmacy's waiting room seats. He's a good guy with a good heart who's just misunderstood. He brings lots of revenue to this store. He doesn't get special treatment just because he's a pharmacist like everyone else seems to think. Did I mention he makes money for us?" A former co-worker, Peter Hose, won't be so lucky. Hose, who holds the record for most prescriptions filled in a career, was caught betting on the pharmacy's Viagra output and was summarily dismissed, receiving a lifetime suspension. When asked about the allegations that he is simply a power mad megalomaniac acting sheerly on his whims, Padideot cackled and told his assistant, "I have to pee! Get the surgical gloves, boy!!" - Reported by Chris Walker =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== FRENCHMAN GETS CALL TO ARMS LYON, FRANCE (DPI) - Pierre Boullieur didn't set out to become a hero--it just turned out that way. Five years ago, the 49-year-old luxury hotel concierge lost both arms below the elbow in a freak accident involving a limousine, heavy luggage, and a Pekingese dog named Madame Froofy's Empress Regineaux. Since that time, he has returned to work, but his path to career advancement was blocked by his inability to summon taxicabs with his shortened appendages. That should change, though, because M. Boullieur yesterday became the recipient of the first double forearm-and-hand transplant. A team of 26 surgeons (working in shifts, I hope, because the image of 26 scalpels slicing and dicing all at once is tres horrible) attached the limbs of a deceased Nigerian woman to the Frenchman. The donor was rather, in fact very, obese, so M. Boullieur will have to go on a targeted toning regimen to bring his dark flabby forearms into proportion with the rest of his body, or else do some serious weight-gaining all over (it's his choice). But that is better than having no arms at all. Proud surgeons allowed dozens of reporters to interview M. Boullieur while he was still recovering from the general anesthesia. When asked what he planned to do first with his new arms and hands, the groggy patient croaked the word "Taxi!" and attempted to snap his pudgy fingers, but instead his unaccustomed new limb flew out and cleared the phone, a glass pitcher of ice water, and a large vase of flowers from his bedside table. Everyone laughed. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== AN AMAZING NEW FREE DEBT REDUCTION PROGRAM! * Slash your credit card interest rate down to zero! * Cut your minimum monthly payments by 50% * Instantly begin to IMPROVE YOUR CREDIT RATING Sign up NOW for FREE and SAVE THOUSANDS on debt & interest. http://www.e-debtconsolidation.com/freeform.asp?refid=15215 =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== BUSH GIVES "STELLAR" PERFORMANCE ON LATE NIGHT, WHICH STAR SYSTEM IT ORIGINATED FROM YET TO BE DETERMINED NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - For those of you who missed the appearance of George W. Bush (Boob - TX) on Letterman Wednesday night by satellite hookup from his home planet, here is a transcript: DAVE: Governor Bush, it's great to finally have you on the show. BUSH: Beep. Beep. DAVE: How's that? BUSH: I am to report to your leader. Yes? I await further instructions. DAVE: Um, okay. Governor, care to explain what you mean by being a "uniter not a divider?" BUSH: Ha! Ha! You had heart surgery! DAVE: Yeah. Yeah, I did. So what was all that Bob Jones crap? BUSH: I'm not a boob, I'm a dweeb. DAVE: Okay. BUSH: Beep. Beep. DAVE: So you said. Um, so tell us, Governor, who's better, you or McCain? BUSH: You're weak 'cause you had heart surgery! Ha! Ha! Beep. Fortunately, Letterman and his studio audience had donned aluminum foil safety hats to prevent the "cosmic boob rays" from giving them whatever brain damage they'd already inflicted on Governor Bush. NASA considered, then quickly abandoned, plans to launch a satellite to discover exactly what planet Bush was on. Said a NASA official, "Whatever they've done to him looks irreversible, and so help me if I have to look at that smirk on computer-enhanced imagery, I'm gonna fire my thrusters all over myself." - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ PLEASE DON'T LET THIS BE HER FINAL ANSWER BOSTON, MA (DPI) - After the unfortunate death of lead vocalist and bassist Mark Sandman, fans worried that they might have seen the last of Morphine. Not so, says the band. At a surprise press conference, saxophonist Dana Colley announced that they had signed Kathie Lee Gifford as the band's new lead singer. Upon announcing her departure from ABC's popular morning show after a 12-year-stint as co-host, she quipped, "I have music to write and songs to sing." Few expected Gifford to ever see the light of day again, but Colley crushed those hopes, saying, "It's rare as a musician to get the chance to work with such a phenomenal talent. The first time I saw that Carnival Cruise Lines commercial, I wept openly. And when she sang the anthem at the Super Bowl, I wet myself in awe. I can't wait to start touring with her." Gifford had her pick of any number of musical suitors. Among those bands seeking her services were Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, who have now admitted to renaming their tour from CSNY2K not because of the failed Y2K hype, but because the K was to stand for Kathy Lee. She turned them down after experiencing the abject fear many of us felt upon learning David Crosby was still fertile. In hopes of bolstering attendance for their upcoming tour, Steely Dan also tried to woo Gifford, but competing bidder Big Punisher threatened to "make them [his] -------." After Big Pun's recent death, the field was again wide open and Morphine's offer of a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor and a pound of Maui Wowie sealed the deal. The supergroup hopes to begin touring this fall in small clubs and then try their hand at the arena circuit the following spring. - Reported by Chris Walker =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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