my
topica start a
list search log
out home
|
|
|
| my
topica start a
list search log
out home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- March 8, 2000 |  Top5
Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Casting the nation's vote for comedy ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== "HEY, FUNNY BOY -- GOT ANY OTHER HUMOR LISTS?" You betcha. Here's one: The Ruminations List sends you 5 short original quotes, written by the fetid, rotting brains of amateur comedy writers everywhere and sent out every weekday. To subscribe, send a message to ruminations-@topica.com =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 8, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== BUSH AND GORE KICK BUTT, TAKE NAMES NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - George W. Bush (Skull & Bones - TX) scored major victories in Super Tuesday primary votes, yesterday, through his ruthless campaign tactics. Said Daily Probe political analyst, Stanford Deviation, "He was completely without Ruth. Our exit polls show that 69% of Republican voters cite the absence of Ruth to have been the deciding factor in their votes." Cousin Ruth Bush is reported to have quit his campaign after he accused John McCain of causing breast cancer, atheism, and the South's defeat in the Civil War. "Besides," Ruth told reporters, "McCain's bus had much better tunes on the radio." Governor Bush claims he holds no grudges, but if elected, "Surely she will die." Just the opposite approach doomed Bill Bradley's campaign. Says Deviation, "Our polls show 89% of voters did not like Bradley's ruthful campaign. Way too much ruth." Passing out Valium at campaign rallies was also likely a mistake. Vice President Gore's aggressive style seems to have worked best. Deviation explained, "99% of surviving voters liked the way he started each rally by biting the head off an old lady. It shows that Gore won't make the mistakes Dukakis did." Plans to have Gore rape and murder Kitty Dukakis were abandoned after Gore's staff discovered that it's illegal and Gore would have to have himself executed to win the tough-on-crime vote. "Dead people don't make good candidates," said Deviation. "Just look at Bob Dole." - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ STICKS AND STONES MAY LEAD TO VOTES NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - In a last-ditch attempt to gain the attention of the United States media (most of whom fail to mention him alongside rival Republican primary candidates Bush and McCain), Ambassador Alan Keyes today made a campaign stop in New York City to ride the #7 subway train and insult New Yorkers. During a brief, 15-minute ride, Keyes referred to a construction worker as "a fat little Puerto Rican," accused a thin-looking youth of having the HIV virus, and dared a woman holding two babies to show him a picture of the baby's father. As he departed, Keyes further incited the crowd on the train by asking them "how the hell did you all get in this country?" Keyes is confident his remarks on the #7 train will earn him a place on the mostly New York-based nightly news programs for at least the next six months. He did, however, express some concern that the only press covering the campaign stop were reporters from The National Review, The American Spectator, and The Daily Probe, but he said he is confident his slurs against New Yorkers will trickle up to the mainstream media. "My campaign manager will be red-lining the Spectator article straight to the editor of the New York Post. That's our Plan A for breaking in to the New York media. After that, if I'm still not on the front page by Friday, I'm going to personally phone Matt Lauer and tell him I think he's a stupid cracker and that Mike Piazza can't hit worth crap," Keyes said. - Reported by Curtis Matthews =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== ClubTop 5 is a ray of fun every day. I've been a subscriber from the beginning and it's never failed to make me laugh at least once. - Lonnie Falk ClubTop5: A buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== CLONING STUDIES FAKED LAS VEGAS, NV (DPI) - Famed University of Nevada at Las Vegas scientists Siegfried and Roy shocked the world by admitting they faked the results of their 1997 clone study. The procedure, in which they produced a fully matured "cloned" white tiger seemingly from thin air, has long been under suspicion. Many researchers were displeased with Siegfried and Roy's distracting use of explosions, smoke, and full orchestra during the procedure. Others were frustrated by the inability to duplicate the results away from the pair's Mirage Hotel & Casino Grand Magic Lab. After ongoing pressure, the duo admitted fakery, justifying it by saying they only wanted to "entertain" and the world of science "needed a little magic." This news opened the flood gates and casts great doubt on Siegfried and Roy's earlier revolutionary scientific discoveries, most notably, their Cage-to-Cage White Tiger Teleporter. - Reported by Davejames ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ PRODUCER PANS FOR COMEDY GOLD HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Critics are supercharging their superlatives after attending a sneak peek at Larry Gelbart's new series, W*A*C*K*O, based on the FBI/BATF dust-up at the Branch Davidian compound near Waco, Texas. NBC has ordered up a full season of the siege-themed comedy on the strength of the pilot episode. "Legendary" Larry was understandably high on the positive buzz following the screening. He had this to say about his new chuckle factory: "With M*A*S*H, we not only put a human face on war, but we also made the show last nearly six times as long as the actual Korean War. I did the math, and I think we can get at least four seasons out of Waco." The pilot episode introduced the main characters and set up the personality conflicts that viewers can expect to guffaw at for years to come. The main "good guy" is BATF squadron leader Ambrose "Buckeye" Bierce, an irreverent drunkard in a bathrobe who still manages to be the best damned rifleman in the Bureau. He is acted by slouching funnyman Bob Saget. His grinning sidekick will be C.K. Bunnicut, an achingly decent fellow who over time will probably start trying to graft a weary peacenik sensibility onto his every scene. Ron Howard played the role in the pilot, on the condition that his brother Clint gets to take over for the rest of the run. Charismatic David Koresh has been softened into a sleepy bumbler who is forever stepping into buckets of sand while spouting scriptural spoonerisms. Genial Night Court alum Harry Anderson is on hand for that role. Finally, Christopher Walken has signed on to play Clarinet "What Lips?" Renolihan, a fictional gender- neutral person in charge of the Justice Department. Look for W*A*C*K*O to join the strong Thursday night lineup this fall. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ Edited by Peter Bauer ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 — 2000 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms (Updated) | Anti-Spam Policy |