my
topica start a
list search log
out home
|
|
|
| my
topica start a
list search log
out home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- March 10, 2000 |  Top5
Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ Where Truth Takes a Backseat ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Get your FREE self-inking stamp from iPrint.com today! Q: What's blue, great to have on your desk, and FREE? A: Handy Stamps - ideal for return addresses! Offer good for new customers of iPrint.com only. Click here: http://www.iPrint.com/132.html?ad=419Z2R132F <a href="http://www.iPrint.com/132.html?ad=419Z2R132F"> AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 10, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== BUSH CONVERTS TO ISLAM, JUDAISM, MORMONISM HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - Presidential hopeful George W. Bush surprised supporters and detractors alike yesterday morning at a hastily- organized press conference when he announced that he had simultaneously converted to Islam, Judaism and Mormonism on Monday morning. "No big deal, folks," Bush explained, "I was campaigning in Salt Lake City the other day, contemplating my sure, imminent nomination and eating salt water taffy when I had what you might call a revelation. Suddenly, there appeared in front of me visions of Allah, Yahweh and Jesus Christ, who instructed me to convert. Simple as that." Bush, whose new legal name is Brigham Mohammad El-Rashid Young- Rabinowitz-Bush, claimed, "This gives me a perspective that no other presidential candidate has ever had, especially that shlemeil Gore. Feh! Let's see that schmuck pull something like this off. Let the big November Jihad begin!" - Reported by Mark Niebuhr =================================================================== [ SCIENCE ] =================================================================== NEW CHEESE FINDINGS SOFTEN NASA SCREW-UPS HOUSTON, TX (DPI) - On the eve of a review to justify continued funding, the NASA Mars program has released some rather startling findings -- about Mars. Crippled by the loss of two-thirds of the hardware sent to Mars in the past two years, including a device for analyzing the Martian topsoil, the program scientists now rely on murky photographs sent back by the Mars Global Surveyor satellite. "It looks like some kind of cheese," said NASA analyst Dr. Ronald Foster, in reference to the northern polar ice cap of the red planet. "Smooth cheese, not rough cheese." Mars South Pole Specialist Dr. Elizabeth Queen had this to say about the opposite pole: "Cheese on the bottom, too. Only a different kind of cheese. Rough cheese. The kind of cheese that you wouldn't want to land on too fast because it's rough." The cheese/space connection is not new, dating back to the Middle Ages, when scientists debated the cheese content of Earth's satellite (commonly known as the moon). The manned moon landings ended that speculation, but the long-dormant Societe Fromage Aeronautique Internationale was said to be hurriedly reorganizing after these latest findings were made public. -- Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== PRICELINE.COM DIVERSIFIES LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Priceline.com today introduced the latest version of its growing line of services, "Name Your Own Price To Shut William Shatner The Hell Up." Web customers may bid online up to the value of Shatner's advertising services contract with Priceline.com. If that number is reached, all ads featuring the caterwauling, pompous, squirrel-on-his-head prima donna will be immediately and forever pulled from the airwaves. Shatner could not be reached for comment, but his spokesman said that the move was "illogical." - Reported by Jim Rosenberg http://www.mrmonologue.com/ =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== "------- AND FREAK" IN PRODUCTION HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Foolhardy Studios has begun production on a new film starring former NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman alongside Puck from MTV's "The Real World." The buddy cop picture, "------- and Freak," will detail the story of an ------- and a freak who are constantly being mistaken for one another. When asked if the role of "------- Mistaken for Freak" was a stretch for him, Rodman grew belligerent and tried to kick this reporter in the crotch. When asked about the closing scene, in which both Freak and ------- -- clad in wedding gowns -- ride bicycles down the steep slopes of downtown San Francisco, Puck grew belligerent and tried to kick this reporter in the crotch. - Reported by Chris Walker =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Tuesday 7th March Spent this Tuesday being reminded by various and sundry to do the civil thing and vote. Only thing was, I couldn't remember to and each reminder was as fresh as the first. No wonder turnout is so low. Nobody cares. Until I was given a refresher, I had labored under the misapprehension that Dennis DeConcini was the frontrunner for the Democrats and Lara Croft the leader of the GOP (I think maybe because of her many appearances on Chris Matthew's CNBC show?). So now I stare long and hard at the real party leaders, Gore and Bush. About Gore, enough has been said, but about Bush? The resemblance to the old man is uncanny, right down to the salmon mouth and the chameleonic accent. He is not, it must be said, unattractive, but how many are like me and see on the Bush spalpeen the small stains of backsplash for his father having failed to dispatch the prevaricatin' prestidigitator from the "Blow-Me" state in '92? =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to fli-@rochester.rr.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 — 2000 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms (Updated) | Anti-Spam Policy |