my
topica start a
list search log
out home
|
|
|
| my
topica start a
list search log
out home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- March 22, 2000 |  Top5
Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== WANNA BE COOL, LIKE TOP5? Then get your own website from GMBWeb, Inc. They can take care of everything for you -- website hosting & design, e-mail, mailing lists. For more information, browse on over to http://www.gmbweb.com/ =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 22, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== NATION'S CRIME BOSS WILLIAM "THE PRESIDENT" CLINTON SOUGHT WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Based upon a statements made by NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre, the DC Police Force has issued a warrant for the arrest of President William Jefferson Clinton as an accessory to at least 643,000 counts of murder. DC police caught a lucky break when Police Detective Allen Sunderland just happen to be watching LaPierre's appearance on NBC's "Today" show, where the NRA leader revealed that Clinton was "willing to accept a certain amount of killing to further his political agenda" indicating further that the every one of the nation's gun related murders could be laid at President Clinton's feet. Clinton, a/k/a "The Commander In Chief" or "Bubba", is regularly labeled as "America's number one crime lord" by radio commentator Rush Limbaugh, and is no stranger to being on the wrong side of the law. Recent well-documented legal troubles lead Clinton to an impeachment trial and a very narrow acquittal. Although unproven, allegations against him include sexual harassment, real estate fraud, and according to an Arab source known only as "Saddam", repeated acts of terrorism. To make things worse, Clinton has fueled DC investigators suspicions by refusing to cooperate directly, preferring to have his cronies dismiss the charges as "blatantly insane" and "ludicrous." "In my twenty years on the force, only the guilty refuse to talk to the police," Detective Sunderland explained. "Of 600,000 murders, you'd think he give at least one alibi!" He continued, "We don't usually get solid leads like this in so many cases at once, and even if the President didn't pull the trigger himself, I'm sure a little time in the interrogation room will help us get names." - Reported by Davejames ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BOMB-SNIFFING DOG IS A HERO -- ALERTS AGENTS TO POSSIBLE EXPLOSIVES IN NEIGHBOR'S CROTCH, OWN ASS TUCSON, AZ (DPI) - A highly trained bomb-sniffing dog employed by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) yesterday indicated that a bomb may be located in the groin region of neighbor Ernest Kowalsky, according to ATF agent Tim Hutchinson with whom the dog lives. The dog, a 3 year old German Shepard named "Wolf," also alerted to the possibility that a bomb may be located in his own ass or the ass of another dog who sometimes visits the Hutchinson family home. - Reported by Marshall Camp http://www.humor-me.com/ ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CHUCKLES REIGN AT MURDER INDICTMENT ATLANTA, GA (DPI) - The tense atmosphere at the murder indictment of Jamil Abdullah Al-Amin was broken up by an accidental laughfest on the steps of the Fulton County courthouse. The former Black Panther, named H. Rap Brown at birth, was charged with murder for the shooting death last week of a sheriff's deputy. As he was being lead from the courthouse, reporters asked him how he felt, and he said, "This whole case is a white racist conspiracy!" To everyone's amusement, he shouted these words in unison with the nearby Reverend Jesse Jackson being interviewed on his left, and the Reverend Al Sharpton on his right. All three men stared at each other, then simultaneously shouted, "Jinx! One two, touch blue, owe me a Coke!" Reverend Jackson was the first to break the tie and shout "Jinx!" again, followed by, "Now you BOTH owe me a Coke, goddamit!" - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== SIMPLY SHOWBIZ! LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - OSCAR FOUND! Police have taken two DELIVERY WORKERS into custody for theft of the OSCAR STATUETTES found by a Los Angeles man in a DUMPSTER on Monday! The two workers had planned to SELL the awards as HIP HOP JEWELRY but failed to take into account the AWARD'S 8.5 pound weight -- too heavy for even JENNIFER LOPEZ'S gun-slinging PUFF DADDY'S neck!... MADONNA'S PREGNANT again! This time by "LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS" director GUY RITCHIE, whose own SMOKING barrel seems to be in decent working order!... If they weren't ALREADY taped together, MILLIONS of STAR TREK VOYAGER fans would have snapped their horn rimmed glasses in despair on Tuesday over the ANNOUNCEMENT that UPN is pulling the plug on the show NEXT SEASON!... Lastly, JULIA ROBERTS' film, "ERIN BROKOVICH," about a woman who uses her generous assets in the name of good, was number one at the box office this weekend, beating out "MISSION TO MARS", proving once again TWO PLANETS are better than ONE! - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Saturday 18th March I'm a few months late for turning in the manuscript for "Chicken Soup for Your Ass," one in the never ending series that I've been asked to ghostwrite. It goes slowly, ever so slowly, for I have no idea what to write about, beyond the expected loofa and beads chapters and chapter dealing with the Lavender Suppository Scare (heartwarming subjects, to be sure). I travel to San Francisco for inspiration and take a room at the Hotel Triton, buying essentials in Chinatown, such as a mandarin coat and a gross of bamboo backscratchers. A sign that the counter-revolution is at its zenith: I spy with my little eye a Gap Store at the corner of Haight and Ashbury. Aghast, I pull the handful of daisies out of my ass right on the spot and set them afire in the middle of the intersection. The San Francisco police were kind, understand- ing even, and desired no explanation. Apparently, pantless people are a regular feature of life in that bustling city. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 — 2000 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms (Updated) | Anti-Spam Policy |