my
topica start a
list search log
out home
|
|
|
| my
topica start a
list search log
out home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- March 27, 2000 |  Top5
Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ****$10 OFF PURCHASES + FREE SHIPPING FROM DSPORTS.COM**** It's easy! Just choose from over 40,000 products and get $10 OFF when you purchase $50 or more. Just click here < http://www.dsports.com/ > and insert offer ID number: PENN01 in the offer ID box <a href="http://www.dsports.com/"> AOL Users Click Here and use ID# PENN01</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 27, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== CURIOUS GEORGE LESS CURIOUS AFTER PRISON STAY BRONX, NY (DPI) - Curious George, long a mainstay of children's books, is significantly less curious following a brief incarceration at Riker's Island Correctional Facility. "George is much less curious about the taste of prison gruel, the spectrum of human sexuality, and billy clubs," said a yellow hat wearing spokesman for the incorrigible primate. George, who was arrested last month after he got "curious" about a semi-automatic hunting rifle, was reportedly in good spirits following his release. "I'm hoping he'll be back up to his old antics soon," said George creator Margaret Ray, "otherwise, he'll be put down." - Reported by Marshall Camp http://www.humor-me.com/ =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== CLINTON: "I AM HAMBURGLAR, DESTROYER OF WORLDS" BOMBAY, INDIA (DPI) - Global catastrophe was narrowly avoided yesterday, after President Clinton smooth-talked mobs of pissed-off Indians out of playing polo with his severed head. The crisis began when Clinton, touring one of India*s herds of sacred cows, mentioned that he "could really go for a MegaBeef Burger right now." His Hindu vegetarian hosts were not amused, and the Secret Service was barely able to escort the President back to his hotel, after checking every loin-cloth en route for concealed weapons. Tensions further escalated when Clinton put his hands on an undisclosed part of an untouchable chamber-maid, who he called "Dottie" on account of her forehead ornament. Indian authorities quickly declared war on the United States and threatened to bring down Western Civilization unless Clinton showed more cultural sensitivity. Peace was restored when Clinton publicly enjoyed a bowl of curried bean-dip, and India agreed to retarget its missiles pointed at McDonald's world headquarters. - Reported by Jonathan Colan ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ RETRACTION The Daily Probe expresses the deepest apologies to Pope John Paul II and the Roman Catholic church for its story titled "Pope Enters a Man." The story was intended to be a report on the Pope's visit to Amman, Jordan. Therefore, reports that the Pope entered "a man" for the first time were inaccurate. Also, the corrected quote from the Pope reads as follows: "When I drive into Amman, it feels like God is wrapping himself so tightly around me." The Daily Probe regrets this error. - Reported by Curtis Matthews =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== ClubTop5: The Maximum Fun Allowed by Law When I turned 18 and got my first credit card, a ClubTop5 membership was the first thing I bought with it. It's great to help support the Internet community, and the Bad Rumination of the Day is worth it on its own! - Cullen Stevenson It's a buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm =================================================================== [ SCIENCE ] =================================================================== TINY MONKEYS SCREW UP EVOLUTION CHARTS WANGJOU, CHINA (DPI) - The discovery of the 45-million year old fossilized remains of incredibly small primates has spelled disaster for the evolutionary chart industry, and for the people who look at those charts. The prehistoric primates, a mere inch in height and weighing less than an ounce, are considered to be the earliest ancestor of human beings. The human evolutionary chart that everyone is used to shows gradual increases in height from one step to the next. However, when the midget monkeys are added to the back end of the primate parade picture, there will be a huge jump in height, from bug-sized up to the four-foot height of Australopicanthus Manomanishewitz, the previous earliest known precursor to Homo Sapiens. This will lead directly to speculation that instead of gradual increases in height over millions of years, there must have been a cute little teeny monkey who had her hooty poot region blown out by giving birth to the comparatively massive "next generation" of ape. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== SIMPLY SHOWBIZ! HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - OSCAR! OSCAR! OSCAR! It was a riveting 7.5 hour ceremony so PACKED with BIG NAME STARS that only someone without a pulse could tear their eyes away from the overflow of HOLLYWOOD glamour and talent! And ALL would agree, it wasn't the actors, directors or films that were the WINNERS, but US! In a night where "AMERICAN BEAUTY" took the big honors, WE were honored with spectacle Hollywood's American Beauties flowing fabulously down THE RED CARPET in lovely gowns and tuxedoes proving once again why they are the ROYALTY of this country and we are mere foot servants to their CRAFT and CLASS!... And what a show! Winners so overtaken with genuine EMOTION that they rambled through their grocery list of thank yous and off-beat politics, while we HUNG ON to every last syllable!... And as one billion worldwide looked on, we can only say one thing, there's NO business like SHOW business! - Reported by Davejames =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 — 2000 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms (Updated) | Anti-Spam Policy |