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| The Daily Probe -- April 10, 2000 |  Top5
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| To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== *** Looking for FREE CDs and a whole lot more? *** Join PLAY from Columbia House! First, pick 12 FREE CDs from our online catalog of over 16,000 titles. Then, once you're in the Club, enjoy members-only deals like the 99 cent Bargain Bin, 60% off Box Sets and more! Membership is hassle-free, so start choosing your 12 FREE CDs now... http://www.columbiahouse.com/gateway?token=5088 <a href="http://www.columbiahouse.com/gateway?token=5088"> AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] April 10, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== LEGOLAND RAZED TO BUILD COOL SPACESHIP LEGOLAND, CA (DPI) - The citizens of this small town (population 34) awoke Saturday morning to the frightening vision of their town in ruins. "Everything had been taken apart!" reported fireman Andy Henson. Every brick of what was formerly the town of Legoland has been re-used to build what can only be described as a cool spaceship. "We thought the Insectoids or the Exploriens had invaded," stated police chief Carl Washington, "but once we investigated, it was easy to see what had happened. The spaceship was built out of the pieces that had formerly been our vehicles and buildings." The town council is divided about this drastic change. "The spaceship might be cool and all," shouted Council Member Rebecca Chambers, "but is it truly what we need? We've been trying to get a hospital for months!" She was rebuffed by Council Member Leonard Carnes, who stated that "Legoland must move with the times. If the Creator wants us to explore space in this cool spaceship, who are we to argue?" Recently elected Mayor Skywalker could not be reached for comment. - Reported by Dave Lartigue ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CANDIDATE REVEALS FONDENESS FOR HOOTERS CHEESEQUAKE, NJ (AP) - Perennial almost-candidate Tristan Fabriani officially stated his position in the ongoing controversy surround- ing the Hooters restaurant franchise today. Addressing a crowd of hundreds outside the local business, Fabriani announced, "I fully support Hooters. Legislation regarding allegedly exploitative jobs for women has been swinging to one side, then the other. If I run for president and am elected, I intend to strip away the padding from this issue, to lift women's rights into the political arena, and to separate the wheat of truth from the chaff of rhetoric. The Hooters controversy is like a cup that is overflowing. It's time to remove the tissue of disrespect from the work these women do, clasp them to our bosom, and take a firm grasp on supporting each and every one of them." - Reported by Kevin Wickart =================================================================== [ CRIME ] =================================================================== CAR WASH MURDERS LEAVE POLICE CLUELESS, SPOTLESS IRVING, TX (DPI) - The Irving Police Department has issued an appeal for any eyewitnesses to the shooting deaths of five people at the Mi-T-Fine Car Wash to come forward. The bodies and the murder weapon were found in a large four-door sedan that had been run through the wash and wax with the windows rolled down, exposing all evidence to the patented Mi-T-Fine SudSwisher, the heated spinning brush that polishes metal surfaces -- and people and handguns, as it turns out -- to a high Sunday-go-to-meeting gloss. Dirt, pollen, road tar, and telltale fingerprints were whisked away, leaving the death car with a showroom shine. Anxious detectives tested the device on their department-issue cars, as well as on their personal vehicles, before concluding that no physical evidence would be found. -- Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== AMAZON.COM The world's largest store! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/topfivecom =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== MASTERS TO REPLACE CONFEDERATE FLAGPOLES AUGUSTA, GA (DPI) - In respsonse to an overwhelming protest at the just-completed Masters, tournament officials agreed to replace the confederate flags which fly on the poles of the storied course's 18 holes. Augusta Grand Course Wizard Hootie Hooterson indicated, "We just felt the time had come, what with all the negroes and everything." The move was supported by most of the players, except for a vocal minority led by Fuzzy Zoeller who said, "It's about heritage, not hate. It's about a heritage of *owning* people who are now kicking my ass six ways to Sunday, mmm-hmmm. I don't expect I got no reason to stereotype nobody, ummm-hummm!" - Reported by Jim Rosenberg http://www.mrmonologue.com/ =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== VANILLA ICE RETURNS TO LATIN ROOTS MIAMI, FL (DPI) - Former white rap superstar Vanilla Ice today released his latest album, a collection of salsa-infused, Latino-pop crossover tunes entitled "Muy Muy Frio." Ice claims "Muy Muy Frio" is a departure from his days as a wannabe hip-hop artist and a return to the kind of music he grew up with on the streets of his native Venezuela. Through a Spanish translator, Ice said, "My days of following the latest musical fads are over. I wanted to get back to my roots -- the music of the slums and barrios of South America. Get ready to hear the real Vanilla Ice!" Critics are calling the album a weak attempt to capitalize on the current popularity of Latino sensations like Ricky Martin. They also point out that Vanilla Ice is not Venezuelan, but rather a white kid from suburban Dallas named Robert van Winkle. "Were these critics with me when I was a six-year-old boy on the streets of Caracas, selling cocaine to have money for flour? I don't think so!" Ice said, to which he added, "Word to su madre!" - Reported by Curtis Matthews =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ; ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ; ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== |
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