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| The Daily Probe -- July 5, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== ClubTop5 ranks up there with This Is True for great premium subscriptions. - Scott Ventura ClubTop5 has changed my life. What did I pay, $12 for the entire year? I spend more than that on lunch! - Len Pal Another reason to sign up for ClubTop5: You will ALWAYS find a runner-up entry that you think is funny enough to make the list. - Bob Williams ClubTop5: A buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] July 5, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== WOMAN'S SUBWAY DEATH ALMOST LIKE THE SANDRA BULLOCK MOVIE NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - A woman was killed today when she fell from the subway platform and was struck by a New York subway train. The scene was reminiscent of recent Sandra Bullock star vehicle "While You Were Sleeping" except in this case a woman, not a man, fell onto the tracks. Also, this woman was hit by the train, she was not saved by a lonely yet full-lipped and sassy token-seller. Since she was killed and not just in a comedy-style coma, the woman also did not become the centerpiece of a chuckle-fest family drama featuring a boisterous goy family and an old Jewish friend who mistakenly think that the token-seller is engaged to the subway-faller-inner. Therefore there was also no introduction of the quirky but oh-so-lovable brother of the victim, who would seem offensive at first but who would be revealed to have depths of humor and understanding far surpassing those of his comatose brother. Since none of these things developed while the subway victim was "sleeping," of course there was no denouement in which the token- seller falls in love with the strong-fingered brother AND the rambunctious family, and finally gets married and rides off on the subway train in her wedding gown. Witnesses state that the woman was reading and she may have simply walked off the edge of the platform. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ LOCAL MAN LIES AS THOUGH FRIENDS ARE AS STUPID AS HE IS HERMOSA BEACH, CA (DPI) - Area man Kirk Long recently lied to his friends as though they were as mentally impaired as he must be. The 28 year old Hermosa Beach resident picked up a discarded losing lottery ticket and recounted to friends how he found a similar discarded ticket worth ten million dollars just last year. Upon the most cursory questioning by his companions, however, Long was unable to explain the gaping holes in his story, including Long's complete and constant lack of funds and the story's incredible similarity to the lottery-themed movie "It Could Happen To You" which Long had rented for the first time three days prior. Undeterred, Long immediately remember that it was not a ten million dollar lottery ticket, but a ten thousand dollar race track betting slip. These funds, Long explained, were blown on his date with Michelle Pfeiffer, so no material evidence remains. Although Long could not be reached for comment, one associate who spoke on back- ground believed that Long friends generally overlook his detachment from the truth because he is "always packing the best chronic." - Reported by Davejames http://members.theglobe.com/fc_davejames/home.html =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== --~~== TODAY'S SPONSOR: ==~~-- FREE Shipping on CDs, Books, Movies and Games at Half.com! ========================================================== * EVERYTHING at Half.com are at least 50% Off! * FREE shipping when your first purchase is 3 items or more! * First time buyers, take an extra $5 off your first $10 purchase. Use Half.com coupon code: hey5now <a href=" http://opt-influence.com/a/halfcom17/ "> AOL users click here</a> =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== VEEPERS CREEPERS WASHINGTON DC (DPI) - Sources close to CNN's cleaning staff tell the Daily Probe that George W. Bush and Al Gore are close to naming their respective running mates. Bush is apparently trying to "balance" his ticket by naming former Vice President Dan Quayle. Said a spokesman speaking from the Bush campaign's secret offshore oil-rig lair, "Quayle is an idiot, but he doesn't know it. Consequently, he always looks sternly into the camera and earnestly spouts off some nonsense. Governor Bush, on the other hand, recognizes the fact that he's a goober and always looks terrified, as if his Dad might come home at any moment and catch him looking at his girlie magazines." Governor Bush released a statement, describing the match "as two negatives added together to make a positive, you know, like in algerometry, right?" Meanwhile, Vice President Gore's staff has concluded that what voters really want from a Gore administration is more Bill Clinton. As President Clinton is barred from office by the 22d Amendment, Gore will name Bill Clinton, 67, of Chimney Rock, North Carolina, as his running-mate. When found at his home, Clinton, a retired dust-mite salesman, stated, "Get the hell out of my bathroom, you crazy bastards. You'll scare up one of them independent counsels agin' me!" Both camps think the ensuing confusion will attract uncommitted voters who don't have a clue who's running anyway. - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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