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| The Daily Probe -- July 21, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== --~~== TODAY'S SPONSOR: ==~~-- *Inkjet Printer Users Save 25 Percent* New! Prefilled generic inkjet cartridges for very low prices! Equivalent to Apple, Brother, Canon, Epson, Xerox. More Useful Info at: <http://www.oddparts.com/ink> or call 1-888-728-2465 tollfree. Moneyback Guarantee. ACSI Bulk Inks. Mention Top Five & save $5 off S/H. =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] July 21, 2000 =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== CLINTON TO LEAVE CAMP DAVID WEDNESDAY: "THIS SUCKS!" CAMP DAVID, MD (DPI) - President Clinton has announced plans to leave Camp David on Wednesday, leaving Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat to further summit negotiations on their own. The announcement followed a teary-eyed phone call to White House Press Secretary Joe Lockhart where Clinton declared that he was "homesick" and begged Lockhart for permission to come home. "This totally sucks!" declared Clinton. "Everything was great and then Yasser and Ehud started yelling at me and complaining. They hate me. I hate it here. Let me come home!" Lockhart went on to question the President, asking why he had such a dramatic change of heart after a full week of fun and enjoyment at the summit. "I don't care what I said," Clinton replied. "Everyone here is a jerk. No one likes me. Yasser threatened to punch me and Ehud said that I had it coming. I hate it here! Please let me come home!" A compromise was reached when Lockhart offered to let the President leave Camp David to attend a global economic summit in Japan. "That's fine with me," Clinton agreed, "as long as I get to leave this stupid camp and all the stupid jerks here." Clinton plans to leave Wednesday as soon as Arafat and Barak return the friendship bracelets Clinton made for the two leaders last week. - Reported By Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BASTARDS PROTEST CLINTON REMARK NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - The Anti-Defamation League of Bastard Birth staged a protest outside Temple Beth Shalom, where senate candidate Hillary Clinton was sequestered with a group of Jews (her favorite people, by the way) for a 24-hour "Walk Through the Talmud" experience. "We're here, we don't know who our daddies are, and we're in your face!" shouted Michael, the Chief Bastard of ADLBB Local 223. The group of local bastards was protesting Ms. Clinton's purported usage of the phrase, "fucking Jew bastard" in a context that might not have been complimentary, as reported in a new book. Chief Bastard Michael explained to all who tried to pass the temple, "We bastards are proud of our--er--heritage, and we won't put up with some carpetbagger lumping us in with Jews or fuckers. We stand alone. Our identity should not be bastardized, no pun intended, by mixing it with other arbitrary fighting words." The Hillary! 2000!! campaign released a statement in ancient Hebrew disavowing the 1976 comment and expressing love for bastards of all stripe. -- Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ HILLARY MAY BE A NEW YORKER AFTER ALL NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - New Yorkers are calling for Hillary Clinton to retract her denial of the claim of a National Enquirer reporter that she used an anti-Semitic slur 26 years ago, arguing that using racial and ethnic slurs would be the most New York thing she's done to date. Morris Kass, head of Jew Bastards for Hillary, stated, "New York's diversity works only if we keep up the level of across the board, equal animosity. It's the duty of New Yorkers to take cheap shots at Jew bastards, as well as Spic bastards, Wop bastards, black bastards, and Goy bastards. If that shiksa bitch wants to get elected, she better start talking trash. Otherwise, I'm writing in Sipowicz." The allegation against Ms. Clinton surfaced in a new book written by Jerry Oppenheimer, a former reporter from that bastion of journalistic integrity, The National Enquirer. Mr. Oppenheimer's previous book was a non-Pulitzer Prize winning tome on the life of Martha Stewart called, "Just Desserts: Martha Stewart, the Unauthorized Biography." For his next project, he is reported to be torn between another political investigation, "Trent Lott: Hair or Helmet?" and a tell-all book on former child TV star Gary Coleman's pet iguana. In related news, the Weekly World Star is reporting that 26 years ago, Hillary's GOP opponent, Little Ricky Lazio, "made potty in his pants during recess." Morris Plotz, head of Poopy Pants for Lazio, called for Lazio to "embrace his bowel and take a stand for excretory freedom. Don't flush away the votes of New York's many poop lovers." When reached for comment, Morris Kass called Plotz a "poopy bastard." - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ BUSINESS ] =================================================================== COMMON WISDOM NOTHING BUT A CLICHE REDONDO BEACH, CA (DPI) - "If you can't beat them, join them" -- or so says the accepted common wisdom. But as Michael Seahort, of the failed internet start up company, Freshpies.com, found out, it is nothing more than a cliche. Seahort started Freshpies.com with the vision of getting fresh pies to everyone in America via the internet. His company immediately ran into problems when they realized the logistics of getting "pies from our oven to your door still piping hot" through UPS was virtually impossible without charging the customer $1,200 a pie. So, when customers started getting pies in 2-3 weeks late instead, many of them declared the desserts "not piping hot" and sued. Freshpies.com stock fell from $346 a share to 11 cents a share nearly overnight and eventually went bankrupt. In retrospect, Seahort admits, he and his business partners, didn't think the venture as far through as they could have and were driven by the willingness of investors to throw money at them. To add insult to injury, when Seahort tried to get a high paying executive position with competitors in the internet grocery delivery business (who, in part, helped kill his business) he was told to get lost. "I tried to explain that with the lessons I learned from a failed pie delivery business and a few hundred thousand dollars, I could have a full pie service division up and running within a year. There were no takers. Many labeled me a kook.'" As many internet start ups, such as PersonalYodelers.com and UNeedRice.com are learning, not only is it tough out there, but if you fail, your very dangerous brilliance may make you a threat to the ranks of those who helped crush you. - Reported by Davejames http://members.theglobe.com/fc_davejames/home.html =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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