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| The Daily Probe -- July 27, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== --~~== TODAY'S SPONSOR: ==~~-- > > > Free Games Real CASH Prizes! < < < Play FREE Poker, Bingo, Slots and Blackjack * $100,000+ in Real CASH prizes awarded monthly! * * Lycos Gamesville: The Internet's Best FREE Games Site * Click Here to Play Today: > > http://www.gamesville.com/redir/penn < < <a href="http://www.gamesville.com/redir/penn">AOL Users Click Here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] July 27, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== COURT FINDS THEFT TO BE ILLEGAL BURBANK, CA (DPI) - A federal court dealt a crushing blow to the copyright theft industry this week. Finding the trade of pirated music somehow wrong, the court issued a preliminary injunction against Napster at the behest of the recording industry which is grubbing to be paid for its copyrighted material. Gill Bates, a spokesman for the National Chamber of Criminal Commerce, commented, "If we wanted to pay the artists for their work, we'd go to the record store, duh! Theft is so much cheaper, really. You'd be surprised how little it costs you to download the entire Beatles catalogue, especially if you pick up a stolen computer from a good fence and then piggy back on someone else's electricity meter. Breaking into someone's home and using their computer while you've got them tied up in the basement works too." In other court action, credit-card fraud, drug smuggling, and contract murder also suffered setbacks. Complained Gill Bates, "It's like the courts just don't understand the needs of honest criminal businessmen." - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ TECHNOLOGY ] =================================================================== STUDY DISPUTES EFFECTIVENESS OF FOIL HATS AGAINST ALIENS LOS ALAMOS, NM (DPI) - After an exhaustive study covering over two years, scientists have determined that hats made of aluminum or tin foil offer little or no protection against telepathic mind control rays beamed down by alien lifeforms. These findings dispute those of other studies done by the FBI, the CIA and Interpol which showed the homemade protection to completely neutralize the evil rays. "Not true, Earth Reporter!" said Los Alamos Chief of Research Dr. Z^vZ XzNpH%y I6y-Smith. "Those studies were flawed from the beginning. In fact, we now encourage all humanoids to wear hats made of a mixture of titanium and our new compound, Q7. Place them on your little humanoids, also, as soon as their larval stage has ended." Dr. I6y-Smith, who received his Ph.D. in Chemical Engineering from The University of Arcturus, suggested wearing the titanium/Q7 hat protection round-the-clock. "Humanoids should sleep, eat, bathe and procreate in them. This is of utmost importance. Never remove your hats!" - Reported by Dave Finney-Fabriani =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== --~~== TODAY'S SPONSOR: ==~~-- *Inkjet Printer Users Save Money* Refill your cartridges with our high quality low-cost bulk ink! Black ink: $21.95 per 450 ml pint. Color inks: $23.95/pint. More Useful Info at: <http://www.oddparts.com/ink> or call 1-888-728-2465 tollfree. Moneyback Guarantee. ACSI Bulk Inks. Mention Top Five & save $5 off S/H. =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== PHYSICIAN REQUIRED TO PROPERLY SLICKEN WILLIE AT CONVENTION WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - He'll make no speeches, nor will he inspire any balloon-dropping hysteria, but Dr. Chester Gleason may well be the most important man at the upcoming Democratic Party Convention in Los Angeles. The nondescript little bald man with thick quad- focals is renowned as the premier venipuncturist on the West Coast. Dr. Gleason has been tasked with wielding the needle just prior to the "Passing of the Baton" ceremony that is planned to symbolize the handoff of executive power from President Clinton to Vice President Al Gore. In practice sessions, President Clinton has snapped twelve thick wooden batons during the all-important "release" portion of the ceremony, and three Al Gore stand-ins have been hospitalized with severe baton bruises. In order to prevent an on-stage disaster at the convention, Dr. Gleason will administer Botox injections at strategic locations in the hand, arm, shoulder, and neck of the presidential corpus. In Dr. Gleason's words, this will "deaden the nerves and render Mr. Clinton temporarily unable to maintain his grip on power for the crucial seconds required for Mr. Gore to snatch the Big Stick away and hoist it high overhead to the cheers of the NEA-- er, I mean convention delegates." -- Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Mr. Monologue (topical humor) monologue--@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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