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| The Daily Probe -- October 23, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Get the HOTTEST deals from HALF.COM! Over FIVE million items, just waiting for you, RIGHT NOW. Plus, spend $15 at HALF.COM and get up to $60 worth of your favorite magazines FREE! Use this Half.com coupon code at Checkout. HURRY! This Coupon Expires Soon! Click here to start shopping: http://opt-influence.com/a/h3/ <a href=" http://opt-influence.com/a/h3/ ">AOL click here</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] October 23, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== AREA MAN WORKS FUCKING FACTOID INTO EVERY FUCKING THING COX, VA (DPI) -- Barry "Sleek" Strauss has a fucking factoid for every fucking thing, and he's not shy about sharing them. His friends have become afraid to mention even the slightest pop culture reference, because they know that not only will they be treated to a flatfooted statement of its source, but they will also have to endure an ill-fitting reference to some other "little known" piece of fucking trivia regarding the subject. Strauss's friend Seth Bauer is only the most recent victim of Strauss's trivia knowledge. "The other day, a bunch of us were just talking about what to do and one of the girls said, 'Why don't we all head over to the cement pond?' Sleeek immediately piped up, 'Beverly Hillbillies,' as if someone were trying to catch him or something. Shit, dude, everybody knows what it means, and where it comes from. That's why she said it! Then, *then*, he just has to turn around and say, 'We could go to the gym and box, like Max Baer's father, who was a famous heavyweight boxer.' Everybody just looked at him. Shit, man, nobody wants to go fucking boxing and nobody cares that you know who Jethro's dad was." Buddy Ebsen, once considered for the role of the Tin Man in "The Wizard Of Oz" until he suffered an allergic reaction to the silver makeup used in the film, could not be reached for comment. - Reported by Brian Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ TRUCK HIT BY PEDESTRIAN COLORADO SPRINGS, CO (DPI) - A grisly scene shook this normally quiet mountain town Tuesday night as a four-year-old Chevrolet S-10 pickup truck was seriously injured by an elderly pedestrian in a downtown crosswalk. The truck was in critical condition today at a nearby auto shop with injuries to its front fender, headlight, grill and hood, as well as internal injuries. The truck's owner, James Gibb, was distraught. "I was just turning left and I had the green arrow, but the next thing I knew there was a screeching of brakes and a thump. I knew right there that my truck didn't have a chance." According to witnesses, the impact was forceful enough to throw the normally slow-moving pedestrian twenty or thirty feet, careening off the roof rack of a Jeep Cherokee heading in the opposite direction. The Jeep suffered minor scratches and dents, but was not seriously injured. Colorado Springs police officer Darren Borthwick said Gibb was lucky. "At the rate of speed the truck was going, it was unlikely that the driver of the vehicle would have been able to stop if he hadn't run into a relatively soft cushioning object. If it wasn't for that old lady, it could have been the truck that went flying off the highway overpass instead." Several other vehicles traveling on the freeway below reported minor brake and suspension injuries from debris on the road. Roads were shut down for about two hours as work crews cleared away the scattered contents of a grocery cart, an oxygen tank, and pieces of carcass. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Free online dog training center Teaching your dog how to sit is fine, but fixing your dogs behavior problems will make your life easier: Signup at http://www.solvingdogproblems2.com/cgi-bin/track/tracker.cgi?BINKY =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR GARTH; PUDGY COUNTRY SINGER RESCUES KIDS, CURES CANCER PATIENT TULSA, OK (DPI) - Garth Brooks, known for his wild leaping and running back and forth across the stage, outdid even himself during a concert here last night, using his super powers to rescue two young boys from a fire and hit a game-winning home run to save the life of a cancer patient in India. While balanced high on a stack of amps during the rousing chorus of "Friends in High Places," the stout country crooner spied an unnatural glow on the horizon. Still singing into his radio microphone, Brooks leapt from the stage and ran five miles to 1120 Barn Lane, where he found a small frame house engulfed in flames. Using his favorite guitar as a fire ax, he battered down the door, rushed inside and rescued two sleeping boys and several 6-week old Siamese kittens, then headed back to the Tulsa Cow Auction Auditorium. On the return jog he came upon a minor league baseball game in progress and paused long enough to strike out three times before pointing to left field and hitting a game-winning home run in the bottom of the 13th inning for baseball/country-western fan Mira Fasanuli, who immediately recovered from terminal everything cancer in a New Delhi hospital. Brooks then donated one billion dollars to some local organization of needy bumpkins. During his heroics, he never once quit strumming his flaming six-stringer and engaging the distant Cow Auction crowd in a hearty sing-along. Singed but happy, Brooks finally clambered back onstage to announce his imminent retirement and his touring and recording schedule for the next 12 years. Commissioner Gorden has promised to keep the Garth-signal ready for emergencies. -- Reported by Chris Jones, assisted by Tristan Fabriani =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== GORE CONSIDERS INVADING CANADA, MEXICO NASHVILLE, TN (DPI) - Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore, desperately in need of a campaign boost, announced today that he is considering invading Canada and possibly Mexico if he defeats GOP rival George W. Bush in the November elections. "First, I must give credit where credit is due -- if it were not for the urging of Alaric, King of the Visigoths and the thousands of emails I've received from his Visigoth Horde of loyal Democrats, we would not now be considering this move," Gore said to reporters at a campaign stop. "Once the issue was raised, it became obvious that invading Canada, pillaging their belongings, raping their women, enslaving their children and burning their cities to the ground was simply the right thing to do. I mean, come on! What self-respecting President could sleep at night with a pissant little country like that sitting unconquered on his border? What do I look like, Bush? And don't get me started on Mexico." The Bush campaign was quick to respond. "While we agree that it's galling a trifling little country responsible for abominations like Celine Deon and several wimpy beers should remain unconquered, Governor Bush pledges to offer to let the Canadians surrender, hand over any women we may find attractive, and pay a huge annual tribute -- after Deon has been eviscerated, of course. This would achieve all the major goals of Gore's plan, but at a much lower cost to the tax payer." "That dung heap Bush!" commented a spokesman for Alaric's Visigoth Horde. "As if the Democratic horde would stoop to asking for what they can take! Gore the Terrible will slaughter the Canadians, and swarm into Mexico, as well! The streets shall be slippery with entrails!" - Reported by Ishmael Alighieri IshmaelA-@aol.com =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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