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| The Daily Probe -- November 13, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== --~~== NEWSLETTERS! ==~~-- Hundreds of topics available -- All delivered FREE via email! http://www.topfive.com/nc.htm =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 13, 2000 =================================================================== [ BREAKING NEWS ] =================================================================== FLORIDA MAN PUMMELED BY MOB WEST PALM BEACH, FL (DPI) - West Palm Beach resident Manuel Recount was beaten senseless this afternoon by an angry mob of Republican activists, who were screaming phrases such as, "We don't want you!" and "You're illegal!" Details to follow. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== BUCKET OF PUS WINS "MOST DISGUSTING OF 2000" RIO DI JANEIRO (DPI) - The Academy of Disgusting Things 28th Annual International Awards Ceremony came to a thrilling close last night, as a bucket of congealing pus was crowned the Most Disgusting Thing of 2000. The victory was the third in a row for a European entry in a field normally dominated by the Americans. Germany's "Bucket of Pus", swirled around in the filthy hands of a purulent street urchin and intermittently shown to the audience in close-up, narrowly beat out last year s returning champion, Monaco's "Festering Rack of Lamb In A Dumpster." Other winners from the star-studded evening: Most Putrid Smell: Oysters Left In The Sun (Australia) Horrifying Texture: Decaying Badger (United States) Excruciatingly Awful Sound: Blorping Uncle Javier (Argentina) Revolting Thing To Think About: Jumping Naked Into a Crate of Squirming Centipedes (India) Rudest-Sounding Word: Absquatulate (United Kingdom) The Academy also bestowed a Lifetime Achievement Award For Gross Personal Hygiene to 466-pound Carmela Pascual of the Philippines, who for the last 27 years has been growing vegetables for the needy out of the grimy folds in her leathery skin. Notably snubbed was the crowd favorite, Brazil's "Fish Eyeballs and Snot Mixed in a Barrel With an Old Pair of Underwear We Found With Somebody's Skid Marks on it and Some Barf", which the Academy found to be "ambitious, sprightly, piquant, yet rather forced in its repugnance." - Reported by Travis Ruetenik =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== FOCUS on the BEST on the NET - popular hyperlinked weekly public ezine brings order into online chaos by reviewing 20 of the best hot, cool, or top web sites (culture, science, health, education, ... leisure) in every issue. Don't miss it! Information is power! You are what you know! To subscribe a blank note mailto:subsc-@focusbest.net or visit: http://focusbest.net/join.html Try! It is easy to unsubscribe! =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== ELECTORAL POWER RANGERS UNITE FOR JUSTICE MIAMI, FL (DPI) - The final count of ballots for president in the Florida election have still not been tallied, with hand recounts under way in counties that Democrats feel may sway the election in their favor. Their Republican counterparts, however, claim that the recounts are immaterial and would not affect the electoral college vote. GOP spokesman James Baker said this morning, "The Democrats need to get a fucking clue. The electoral vote has absolutely nothing to do with the popular vote in the state. In order for the will of the people to be done, what needs to happen is that two of the electoral college members touch rings while simultaneously uttering the phrase, 'Will of the people, activate!' If I'm not mistaken, a blue monkey should also be involved, although I don't recall exactly in what manner." Warren Christopher, the Democrat's spokesperson, countered by claiming that "Baker's head is still up his ass, where it's been since '92. We're gonna keep counting these ballots until we get the result we want, or until President Roosevelt orders us to stop." - Reported by Tristan Fabriani and R.M. Weiner ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ NO PARDON FOR TURKEY IN BUSH PRESIDENCY, GOVERNOR PROMISES AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - Possible President-Elect and possible also-ran George W. Bush announced today that the 50-year old tradition of pardoning the President's Thanksgiving turkey will come to an end if his election is confirmed. "Who do they think they're fooling, anyway?" snarled a surprisingly uncompassionate -- yet still very much conservative -- Bush. "I don't notice a lot of presidents chowing down on tofu drumsticks on Thanksgiving Day, so I assume that the place of the pardoned turkey was taken by some less prominent gobbler, just as Bill Clinton's place in Viet Nam was taken by someone who didn't happen to be a fancy pants Rhodes Scholar," the Governor added. "Say what you want about me, but I'm no Rhodes Scholar." "Besides," Bush went on, "I'm working up a pretty good appetite trying to steal this election from the Democrats before they can steal it from me, and I intend to eat both turkey legs at Thanksgiving dinner at the White House in November of 2001. I'll be the President then, and I know the President can eat both drumsticks if he wants -- you see, that's what you call your 'executive privilege.'" Asked if he wasn't worried that refusing to pardon the White House turkey wouldn't traumatize his twin daughters, Bush insisted, "I think if failing to pardon the turkeys on Texas's death row the last few years hadn't bothered them, this won't either. And that reminds me of another reason I should be President, rather than Al Gore -- I have it on very good authority that Tipper has threatened to go off her nut again if Al eats the bird on Thanksgiving Day." - Reported by Brother Paul Somerville ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ MENSA ADOPTS NEW BUTTERFLY ENTRANCE EXAM PALM BEACH COUNTY, FL (DPI) - Gone are the head-scratching brain teasers about using seven matchsticks to form a decaduohedron without changing the total area enclosed by said matchsticks. There's a new MENSA test in town: the year 2000 presidential election ballot from Palm Beach County. "Whoosh! I flunked the hell out of that one," said MENSA-wannabe Louis Fortois. The systems engineer, whose friends describe him as "pretty smart," ran afoul of the devilishly intricate exam that was prepared by the Palm Beach County Elections Board. Maria Vos Savant, MENSA president and owner of the highest IQ in the land, expressed the puzzle in layman's terms: "OK. You've got a name. Next to that name is an arrow. The arrow points directly to a little hole. Now... wait, I'm lost... let me start over. A name and an arrow -- AGGGGHHHH! MY EYES -- Okay, let me have a mulligan on that one -- may I have a fresh copy of the test, please? Alright, to quote Albert Einstein, 'Mein Gott dots a tuff vun,' here we go again, I'm focusing with both eyes now and this test will soon fall to my laser-like brain -- AAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!!!" On a related note, Ms. Vos Savant later renounced her citizenship and filed a lawsuit against MENSA. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== STEVE ALLEN SPEAKS FROM BEYOND GRAVE: "I'VE STILL GOT IT! BOO!" LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Popular, recently deceased entertainer Steve Allen continues to delight and educate even from beyond the grave. Allen has daily been in contact with his widow, Jane Meadows, through a series of seances and ghostly visions, mainly for the purpose of continuing his lifelong practice of composing at least one musical number per day. "I was Steve Allen!" commented the ghostly vision from his widow's palatial home overlooking the San Fernando Valley. "A simple lack of oxygen to my brain won't stop me!" When asked his views concerning his new, post-living environment, Allen's ghostly vision was as insightful as ever: "It's crap, really. Frankly, the diversity here is making me more than a bit uncomfortable. No one here appreciates Mantovani -- everyone is big on music from some Pakistani woman I've never heard of. Their manner of dress is shocking and in many cases obscene. Dinners here are informal, messy and rude. And don't even get me going on the 'reality shows' -- I have no interest in observing any historical event other than the birth of Dick Cavett. These souls should put robes on and keep their mouths shut." Allen then instructed Meadows to take several notes. "Do dee do do do, long dark tunnel, da dee dwah do do, bright white light. There's my song for today! I've still got it!" You sure do, ghostly Steve. You sure do. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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