sign up –
free! log
in start a
list search home
|
|
|
| sign up –
free! log
in start a
list search home
| ||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | ||
| The Daily Probe -- November 20, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
 |
| To unsubscribe: Send a message to
probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== TopFive.com -- The best in original humor! Seven newsletters -- no waiting. http://www.topfive.com/subscribe.html =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 20, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== MAN WITH BOOGER TRYING TO SELL MUTUAL FUNDS CHARLOTTE, NC (DPI) - Calvin E. Murdock, a First Union Assistant Vice President and Personal Investment Advisor, has for the last three hours been trying to sell mutual funds and other investment products with a booger hanging from his nose, it was reported this morning. "For IRAs, mutual funds, Roth IRAs, and any number of other trust and savings products, I am here to help you find your investment solutions," said Murdock, as a little yellowish nugget hung from the inside of his right nostril. "We here at First Union make managing your money a serious business." Murdock, a Certified Financial Planner and six-year employee at a downtown Charlotte branch of First Union Capital Markets, said that investing early is the best way to ensure security in your financial future. "If you're maxing out your company's 401(k) and keeping a little on the side in savings, you're on the right track," he said, the clearly visible chunk of hardened mucous flapping in the breeze with each word, "but it's the investor who wants an additional level of trust and service who comes to see the financial experts at First Union." As of press time, Murdock had come agonizingly close to knocking free the nose goblin when he scratched his upper lip, but had reported the morning to be "pretty slow" in terms of sales. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== PROBE EXCLUSIVE: "CHAD" ACTUALLY A PLACE IN AFRICA! MIAMI, FL (DPI) - The latest new term to come out of the election recounting and controversy in Florida is "chad." Many people suspected that this word was somehow related to the voting process or the ballot itself. However, after hours of research The Daily Probe has discovered that Chad is actually a country in Africa. It is still unclear how Chad will impact the election results, but Republicans are not happy. "If this story about Chad being a place in Africa is true, we are not happy," said Republican party spokesperson Chris Spears. "There is a strong chance that such a place would have a high population of black people. Needless to say that wouldn't be good for us. Again: not happy." Democrats are encouraged by this latest news. Jerry Mathews, of the Democratic National Committee says, "If this place gets to vote or help count ballots, and it is indeed in Africa, then we are encouraged." And not only is it the likely demographics of a place in Africa that encouraging to democrats. "Al Gore has informed us that he is the ruler of Chad. Their electoral votes should already be in our column!" The Daily Probe has ordered a set of encyclopedias and will update you with more information on this Chad place as it becomes available. - Reported by Mark Schmidt ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ VISIGOTHS FOR GORE MARCH TOWARD TEXAS BILOXI, MS (DPI) - With the presidential election still up in the air, Alaric, 5th century sacker of Rome and Gore supporter, as part of his efforts to see his man elected President, lead his Visigoth Horde of Democrats out of Florida and toward Texas. "We will not stop until we have dragged Bush to Cowering from his Texas strong- hold, and presented him, maimed and bleeding but still alive, to Gore the Invincible," Alaric said in an address to his troops. "A measure of gold and a pick from among the captured Republican women to the first spear who scales Bush's wall! And double for the head of Cheney the Bald!" In related news, Al Gore issued a formal apology to Michael Eisner, Chairman and CEO of the Walt Disney Company, for the sacking and burning of Disney World by Alaric's Horde in what the Democratic Presidential hopeful termed "a tragic but honest mistake." The statement read: "We regret that, in the confusion surrounding the election results in Florida, the Visigoth Horde mistakenly sacked and burned the Magic Kingdom. We're particularly sorry about that Small World incident, and will of course pick up the surviving victims' proctology costs. To prevent further tragedies of this sort, we've sent a team of expendable lackeys to Alaric to explain the sometimes-subtle distinction between a Republican controlled gated community and a Democrat controlled theme park." - Reported by Ishmael Alighieri IshmaelA-@aol.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Get the funniest pics on the 'net, Every single day! Join our mailing list and get a FREE 50 minute phone card! FUNNYWEBSITE.COM http://www.funnywebsite.com/ =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== GREENPEACE WARNS WHALES OF IMPENDING DOOM HAPATOOEY, PACIFIC ISLANDS (DPI) - Passionately bearded Greenpeace squad leader Rex Thomson ignores the salt spray that stings his eyes as he steers his electric dinghy through the surf around Hapatooey. There will be time to wince after he finishes his mission: warn every living creature for miles around of the impending crash of the Russian Mir space station. "They shouldn't do that -- there are lives at stake," he sighs, referring to Russia's announcement that they will allow the aging space station to fall from orbit over an unpopulated area of the ocean. Spotting a friendly sea otter with long whiskers, Mr. Thomson stops his dinghy and speaks through an electric bullhorn, saying, "Mister Otter! The sky is falling next June! YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HERE!! If you will, please tell the other creatures of the sea!" Mr. Otter stares enigmatically and then dives, presumably to carry out his new mission. Mr. Thomson resumes his patrol and observes discreetly, "I know it's not really the sky falling, but there's no time to explain the whole space program thing. Thank God for the otters. Without them I would have to actually learn Fishspeak, and there just isn't time for that." When last seen by this reporter, Mr. Thomson was haranguing an attentive group of jelly- fish, screaming and pointing at the sky to illustrate his remarks. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Sunday 19th November I don't know why Bush is gallumphing around his East Jesus farm in a barn coat, cowboy hat and boots like a stoned farmhand, much less why he has Dick Cheney limping along beside him in what appears to be a hand-me-down suit from a much older, somewhat skinnier and definitely more rumpled brother. He can take it from me, a man who's tangled with the monster before, that if he doesn't slam the coffin lid shut on Gore, he'll never get away from him. Even when you do get the gumption up to slam it, he'll poke his fingers out. Be more like whatshername... er... Buffy... that's it!... if you wish to be president, is my humble advice. Just be the Buffy. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
|
Previous Message | All Messages |
|
jobs about
topica contact us advertiser
info link to
topica list
resources help |
|
| © 1999 — 2000 Topica Inc. TFMB | Privacy | Copyright | Terms (Updated) | Anti-Spam Policy |