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| The Daily Probe -- November 27, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== --~~== Get FREE STUFF! ==~~-- Hundreds of topics available -- All delivered FREE via email! http://www.topfive.com/nc.htm =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 27, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== CHENEY ILLNESS PROMPTS THANKSGIVING TRUCE AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - Concern over the health of Vice President-elect/ not-elect/maybe-elect Dick Cheney temporarily calmed the turbulent waters around the contested election in Florida last week. Al Gore sent a personal note wishing Mr. Cheney well following his hospital- ization for chest pains. A copy of the note obtained by The Daily Probe revealed its contents: Dear Dick: Pasty naked Tipper and I were sorry to hear that your ticker is unstable. As the survivor of a deceased sister and a witness to various other illnesses and injuries in people close to me but thankfully NOT me, I too have angina probably exactly the same as yours. LOOK OUT!! THE NURSE HAS A KNIFE!! I hope that you are resting well and that you won't let any stress related to my victory in Florida push you beyond any thresholds, toward any bright lights at the end of any potential tunnels. HA HO!! BOOGIE BOOGIE BOOGIE!! Didn't startle you, did I? WACKA WACKA RIGHT IN YOUR FACE -- OH MY GOD!! THERE'S AN AIR BUBBLE IN THAT I.V. TUBE!!! Joe also sends his regards, and Hadassah is having a high old time picking out wallpaper for the Vice Presidential residence. Stay calm, man, and don't worry a bit about that Halliburton stock crash thing. Sincerely, President Al "Will of the People" Gore - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== CANADA READY TO FUCK UP THEIR ELECTION, TOO OTTAWA, CANADA (DPI) - As some twenty million Canadians prepared to vote in their new leader today, election officials were scrambling to make sure that enough errors occur to call this election into disrepute, taking yet another cue from America. Travis Draven, head of Elections Canada, has been working night and day to ensure that this election is conducted in the most haphazard fashion possible. "It's quite a challenge," he admitted, "We've been watching the news constantly, and the Americans really screwed the pooch on this one. It's a tough act to follow, but I think if we as Canadians all pull together, we can fuck this one up as royally as the Yanks did." Prime Minister Jean Chretien, seeking his third term in office, has already drafted a concession speech which he plans to hastily withdraw at the last minute. Opposition Leader Stockwell Day has had teams of lawyers working around the clock, preparing legal challenges which will be made as early as midnight. The biggest problem facing Draven, however, is the counting of the ballots. "We don't use punch cards and machines here," he explained, "We use pen and paper, and count it all by hand," Draven has hired special teams from across the country to ensure the flawed vote- counting process. These teams consist of hand-picked dyslexics, morons, dipshits, transplanted Floridians, and comic Howie Mandel. - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== COUNTRY MUSIC CLASSICS is A FREE weekly newsletter --all about classic country music--good ole country music from the good ole days---from the 1950's thru 1980's. To subscribe, send blank email to:Countryclassi-@topica.com or visit our website at: http://www.countrymusicclassics.com/ =================================================================== [ LOCAL NEWS ] =================================================================== REPORT: GUY WALKS INTO A BAR MURPHY'S TAVERN (DPI) - According to a report by Murphy's patron Bob Ellis, this guy walked into a bar. The report, which has sparked interest from community leaders and special interest groups alike, was submitted loudly to all within earshot of Ellis, who was sipping his third beer at approximately 6:22 p.m. yesterday. While it was initially rumored that the guy was carrying this monkey, conflicting reports from other bar patrons indicate the possibility that the guy had this parrot sitting on his head. An even odder counterclaim, led by Murphy's regular Ed "Boogie" Sampson, even claims it wasn't a guy at all, it was actually two nuns. Baffled experts plan research into why the guy sez gimme eight shots of whiskey and a cheeseburger. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== VISIGOTH HORDE BACK IN FLORIDA; ALARIC BEHEADS BAKER TALLAHASSEE, FL (DPI) - Now a vast throng of thousands, the Visigoth Horde of supporters of erstwhile Presidential candidate Al Gore and fans of CNN Election 200 analyst Alaric, King of the Visigoths, returned to Florida today after a week ransacking the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas. The mob remains united by a vow to see that justice is done in the presidential election. "Death to Bush!" shouted Horde members as they squatted by their fires in their hastily constructed camp near the state capitol. "We shall see Gore drink to his victory from the shattered skull of Bush!" claimed Hector Mimms, a proud Lieutenant left in charge by Alaric, "Would you like some 'gator? Them's good eating!" Earlier today, Alaric met with Bush campaign point man James Baker in a hastily arranged meeting, at which he promptly beheaded the aging Republican statesman. "That dung heap Bush should thank me," the Visigoth Horde leader stated, "for removing this worm from his sight!" Alaric stated his confidence that the remaining issues would be resolved promptly, once he has had a chance to meet with Florida election officials, the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court, and "any fool from the Bush camp who is ready to die a frighteningly merciless death." - Reported by Ishmael Alighieri IshmaelA-@aol.com =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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