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| The Daily Probe -- November 30, 2000 |  Top5 Productions |
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probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== CDNOW -- The Internet's #1 Source for Music Download music, read reviews, buy movies on DVD and VHS, and more! http://www.cdnow.com/from=cr-5478361 =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] November 30, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== WORMS TASTE JUST LIKE YUMMY CANDY, OLDER KIDS REPORT NOVI, MICHIGAN (DPI) - A report from second-graders at Village Oaks Elementary School's playground may mean exciting culinary news for a group from the kindergarten class, it was reported Wednesday at recess. According to the unconfirmed report, the hundreds of squishy, squiggly worms that crawl around on the muddy patch of the playground actually taste just like yummy candy. The source of the discovery remains uncertain. However, second-grader Joey Emmett said to the group that some kid named Donny told him that Mrs. Cadiz said it was OK to eat the worms because they taste like candy, but he wasn't supposed to tell the kindergartners because the worms were only for the big kids. Response from the kindergarten varied from excitement to shock. "Eww!" squealed five-year-old Brittany Carvin, running back to join a small group under the monkey bars. Six-year-old Dennis Keir, however, disagreed. "We could just go over and try it," offered Dennis, trying to build up support of the impromptu meeting of 10 or so kids. "We could all do it together and if it tastes good we'll be the first ones so we can eat them all up before the big kids eat them." Dennis added, "I seen my cousin eat a bug once." While no actual consumption of slimy, dirty worms was confirmed as of press time, a crack committee of Older Kid Fib Specialists were furiously researching the claim, attempting to form a course of action before the bell rang. Kid experts suggested that the most likely course of action for the committee would be to make the quiet kid, Darrin, actually eat one, or to return to the second- graders with a counterclaim of "Well why don't YOU eat one, then?" Worm experts suggested that worms are actually any of numerous soft-bodied, legless, bilateral invertebrates including the flat- worms, roundworms, acanthocephalans, nemerteans, gordiacens and annelids, and not likely to have any similarity in structure and flavor to most common types of candy. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BERRA SUES OVER THEFT OF INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY TALLAHASSEE, FL (DPI) - Overlooked in all the Election 2000 hoopla is the civil suit filed by former Yankee great Yogi Berra over the unauthorized use of his name and his words. "I understand the 'it ain't over till the fat lady sings' thing and the 'it's like deja vu all over again' thing," said a distraught Berra, "because those have been in the pubic domain for years. But now both sides have crossed the river and it's taking money out of my ability to earn." Court documents reveal that the case will center on Al Gore's frequent unattributed use of the phrase, "We have to make sure every vote counts." Berra famously uttered that witticism in a 1947 game against the St. Louis Cardinals when a teammate asked him to pass the peanuts. The game had to be suspended as the Yanks erupted into gut-hurting laughter and the guy never got his peanuts. George W. Bush is also named in the suit for his use of the phrase, "Let's see what Dick says," which Yogi said in 1952 when a reporter asked him for a comment following a controversial win over the Washington Senators. Newspaper columnists across America have also been put on notice because, even though the "fat lady sings" and the "deja vu" phrases are public domain, their overuse, even (or especially) with a twinkly-eyed affectionate nod to Berra, can cause one to be branded an unoriginal twit, fit only to write margin jokes for Readers Digest. "I have a reputation that needs to be protracted," said Berra, "And I'll peruse whatever legal auction I can to make sure that my good name is not varnished." - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== "PRESIDENT" BUSH TO HEAD IMAGINARY GOVERNMENT AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - With the Government Services Administration (GSA) refusing to begin the official transition, pursuant to a 1963 federal law forbidding funding a transition while an election dispute remains unresolved, corporate friends of Bush's father will fund space for Bush to create an imaginary government in waiting. While aides look for available office space, Bush has erected a fort in the living room of the Texas Governor's mansion which he has named, "Fort George's Coolest Command Post Ever." For days now, the "President" has been holed up in his fort, working on choosing the members of his new cabinet, with some rather surprising choices coming to light. While few doubted that My Best Friend Billy would get the nod as Secretary of State, Bush's choice of Spike as his Secretary of Defense is a bold one. Furthermore, pundits unanimously agree that the appointment of Amy Furbish as Secretary of Showing Us What's In Her Panties was an inspired move. When fully funded, Bush's play government will come complete with a Colin Powell action figure with kung-fu grip and lots of extra quarters to continue the game in case he loses a life playing with his pretend nuclear weapons. Bush is said to have an excellent imagination, as evident from his claim in his brief to the Supreme Court that he won "every single one of the six votes cast for President in Florida." - Reported by Slick Sharkey and Tristan Fabriani ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ FLORIDA SUPREME COURT ORDERS RIOTS IN THE STREETS; GORE TO TAKE CASE BEFORE WORLD COURT, GOD TALLAHASSEE, FL (DPI) - The Florida Supreme Court ruled yesterday that the streets are, in fact, a better place to determine the election's outcome than the courts are. Citing a previously unpublished manuscript from Thomas Jefferson which it found laying around its chambers, the court ordered riots in the streets in Palm Beach, Dade, and Broward Counties over disputed election results. "We find that Thomas Jefferson -- who believed periodic revolutions to be necessary to maintain freedom -- would want aggrieved citizens of Florida, including but not limited to those who were confused by so-called butterfly ballots, those who lacked the physical strength to punch out the chad on their ballots, those who have changed their minds since voting on November 7, and those who simply can't recall who they voted for, to demonstrate their anger with civil unrest," said the court's opinion. In a related development, Gore campaign attorneys this morning responded to the Bush campaign's appeal to the United States Supreme Court to stop the recount process by appealing to the World Court in the Hague, asking that it intervene in the Florida count on behalf of the rest of the world. "We believe that the world has a stake in the outcome of this election," said one of Gore's attorneys, "and we are asking that the World Court enforce that valid claim." Gore running mate Joseph Lieberman went as far as to suggest that an appeal to Almighty God Himself might be considered if the World Court refuses to accept jurisdiction, or rules in favor of George Bush. "I know it's a long shot," Lieberman acknowledged with a smirk, "but wouldn't it be great fun to see how the Religious Right responds to a revelation from God Himself that the recount should continue until their guy gets beat?" - Reported by Brother Paul Somerville =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Tired of parenting sites that sound like, well... your parents? Check out 20ish Parents for parenting news and information that speaks to you, not your folks. mailto:20ishparentsn-@mail-list.com =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== PROBE REPORTER TRIES TO CON EDITOR OUT OF FREE ADVERTISING TORONTO, CANADA (DPI) - The Daily Probe's editorial board confirmed today that Probe reporter Greg Preece, 28, has been submitting false stories to the popular e-mail journal in vain attempts to plug a comedy show he is performing in with Toronto Sketch Comedy Troupe "What's On Tap?" Stories with headlines such as "What's On Tap? Announce Holiday Performance" and "December Show at the Victory Cafe Promises To Be Funniest Yet" have been rejected outright by the Probe editorial staff as being blatant cries for free publicity. Preece, the witty and handsome co-founder of the troupe, which has developed a rich cult following in the Toronto comedy community, admitted submitting false stories in order to plug the troupe's December 22 show at The Victory Cafe in Toronto's fashionable Annex district. "On the salary that The Daily Probe pays me, I could not afford traditional methods of advertising our special Christmas show, with all new material as well as some of our classic sketches. Besides, I know that the readership of the Probe would really respond to our special blend of satire and absurdity, in a multi-media show written to celebrate the holidays. Especially since the admission is only $5, I figured, how could you go wrong?" Probe editor Chris White responded to Preece's statements by saying, "I don't care. I refuse to be an unwitting shill for some local comedy show. This is a newspaper." When asked if he would allow readers to contact Preece for more details on the show, White angrily responded, "NEVER! Not on my watch!" - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] ===================================================================  |
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