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| The Daily Probe -- December 7, 2000 |
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To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== <*>-----<*> Holiday Shopping Made EASY! <*>-----<*> We have the *BEST* offers from the *BEST* online retailers ready to help complete your Holiday Shopping. CDNow, FREE Software, Office Depot, Omaha Steaks, ChaseShop.com, Overstock.com, and more are just one click away with items on everyone's Holiday Wish List. Safe & Secure Shopping. Click on the link below NOW: http://www.pennmedia.com/gifts.html <a href="http://www.pennmedia.com/gifts.html">Great Gifts</a> =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] December 7, 2000 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== SECRETARY: SCREAMING BOSS WAS RIGHT TO YELL BALTIMORE, MD (DPI) - A pre-lunchtime screaming tirade today by a downtown Baltimore bank Operations Manager was deemed justified by subordinates, sources say. Senior Assistant Secretary Anita Walken, the recipient of the reported tongue-lashing, said Allfirst Bank Vice President Josh Casey "acted correctly" during the attack. "Josh had been going on all week about how overdrafts each had to be individually called in over $10,000, so I should have known to check with Barbara (Chambliss) in Branch Clearing before she printed the day's report at ten o'clock," said the visibly flushed Walken, mumbling weakly into her lap. "I mean, even though the amount was only $2,300, I should have run the account number at least to make sure the connected account aggregate didn't add up over $10,000. I mean, Josh is right: How stupid could I be?" Coworkers said the verbal assault lasted between ten and fifteen minutes, and included ranting, much flailing of arms and the unceremonious ripping of a page from the report ledger to be audibly banged with a pointed finger right in front of Walken's terrified face. While no direct threats of violence against Walken were confirmed, witnesses reported that a general warning was bellowed to the entire Operations area by Casey that, "Some heads are gonna roll around here if this goes on much longer." "Yeah, Josh was right," repeated Walken, now roughly bending apart a paper clip while holding back tears: "Even if I was just following procedure, I should know better. God, how did I not see this right in front of my own *stupid dumb stupid face?*" Casey's spitting, childish fit was the worst of its kind since the infamous "Listen, Buster" attack on Documentation Specialist Sheldon Nakamura in February of this year. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ GREENPEACE PROTESTS PEARL HARBOR MEMORIAL PEARL HARBOR, HI (DPI) - James "Skipper" Jackson, who died last year at age 81, was scheduled to be reunited with his shipmates when his body was interred by divers in the sunken hull of the USS Michigan. However, the somber service was disrupted Monday by Greenpeace activists who were intent on preventing what they believed to be "a continued attack on the ecosystem of the Pacific and the life contained in its mighty waters." Betty Jackson, Skipper's wife of 55 years, said, "Skipper spent four full years of his life defending the Pacific Ocean, and it was his belief that he was destined to spend eternity beneath the waves of the ocean he loved so much." According to Greenpeace cell leader Phoebe Sunshine, the interment was unacceptable due to environmental consequences. "We cannot sit idly by and allow Man to continue to poison our sees by dumping our dead in the ocean. The environmental consequences would be devastating, and we cannot allow the Military to subvert the very ocean that gave birth to our life. Member Doug O'Brien concurred, adding, "The massive amounts of metal, ammunition and bodies that we have carelessly spilled into the ocean has poisoned the waters for hundreds of years, endangering the lives of the South China Cephalopods, including the Giant Squid, Kowloon Octopi and several forms of jelly fish. What right does the Military have in dumping their waste in our water?" - Reported by Ross Brown =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== BUSH PONDERS NEXT MOVE: SHIT OR GO BLIND? AUSTIN, TX (DPI) - George W. Bush and his closest advisors today hotly debated the question of whether, given his current inability to affect the outcome of pending Florida election lawsuits or plan his Presidential transition, the governor and would-be President- elect should shit or go blind. "I don't know if I should shit or go blind," Bush said. "I honestly just don't know. Anyone have any suggestions?" Sources close to the Daily Probe report Bush's advisors are split over the matter, with vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney strongly advising Bush to "shit immediately, and damn the consequences." Advisor James Baker, however, sharply criticized Cheney's "snap rush to judgement," warning Bush of the bad PR that would be generated by shitting, and suggesting possibilities of gaining voter sympathy if Bush were blind. Governor Bush plans to immediately convene an emergency meeting of all his top advisors to finalize his decision, and also to consider another suggestion from Colin Powell that it was time for Bush to "either kick ass or chew gum." Deliberation on this point is expected to take less time, since, as Powell himself has pointed out, "we're all out of gum." - Reported by Curtis Matthews =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Amazon.com Been to the world's largest store lately? Toys, books, CDs and many other great holiday gift ideas! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect-home/topfivecom =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== STREISAND TO ADDRESS NATION HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Barbra Streisand announced plans to address the nation tonight at 9:00 PM to "share with the American people her thoughts about this historic election and its importance to our democracy." James Brolin, her astoundingly pussywhipped husband, indicated that Streisand would have some "remarkable" things to say, including details regarding her plans to colonize a South Pacific island with other celebrities such as Rosie O'Donnell, Martin Sheen, and the Baldwin brothers in the event of a Bush victory. - Reported by Jim Rosenberg =================================================================== [ HOLIDAY ALERT! ] =================================================================== PROBE HOLIDAY ALERT: DANGERS LURK IN MALLS EVERYWHERE, USA (DPI) - Santa, elves, talking snowmen: these are the mythical characters of Christmas that make us laugh and share merriment with all and sundry. But lurking beneath the veneer of fantasy is a horrid host of horticultural hobgoblins that besmirch the season. The most prevalent is TreeWoman, who appears in the form of a short, elderly woman holding twenty large shopping bags, her winter coat buttoned to the neck. She appears simultaneously in every aisle of every store in America starting the day after Thanksgiving, jamming the passageway until January 12 of the following year. Rooted in one spot, she forces all of humanity to squeeze past her with great difficulty. TreeWoman's mobile cousin is HedgeHog, which appears in the guise of a large family, all in a single row, with foliage that looks like sweatsuits. HedgeHog traditionally moves slowly up and down the walkways at the mall, asking no quarter and granting none its heartless game of chicken with oncoming pedestrians. The impatient crowds trapped behind HedgeHog resemble, in both number and in desperation, the hordes who gathered to leave Egypt behind Moses in "The Ten Commandments." God save us all from these spawn of Beelzebub's Arboreum. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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