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| The Daily Probe |  |
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| The Daily Probe -- December 22, 2000 |
Top5 Productions
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To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== December 22, 2000 TOPFIVE NEEDS YOUR HELP! TopFive.com has been nominated for a Political Dot-Comedy Award! PLEASE help us out by going here to vote: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bldotcomedy.htm (Look for the category, "Best Political Joke Site") =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== Y2K+1 BUG MAY CRIPPLE SMART-ASS OFFICES SEATTLE, WA (DPI) - Fears are spreading about the possible devastating effect of the Y2K+1 bug on smart-ass computers convinced that the millennium actually starts on January 1, 2001. "We've tried reprogramming the computers to accept the fact that while there was no Year 0, there was also no Year 1, 2, or 3, and that the whole thing was back dated 300 years later and off by four years," said consultant Brian Auk, "but the little bastards are such sticklers for literal data." Auk's approach is not endorsed by other smart-ass consultants who accept the 2001 Millennium hypothesis. One such smart-ass, Alec Nueman, is convinced that "we're overlooking an easy solution in which we simply tell the computers that 2001 is a jubilee year for all binary thinkers. Look at January 1, for example, or as computers will see it, 010101. How cool is that?! Then there's January 10, or 011001, not to mention January 11, or 011101. And just wait until we get to October when we're not only looking at binaries galore, but palindromes too! The nerd in your family is gonna love 2001!" Al Gore was busy going over his resume and could not be reached to confirm Nueman's hypothesis. - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== GORE APPOINTS POPOV TO LIQUOR CABINET CARTHAGE, TN (DPI) -- While President-elect George W. Bush has been busy filling his Cabinet with trusted friends and advisors, sources say his defeated opponent, Vice-President Al Gore, has selected a 1.5-liter shatterproof bottle of Popov vodka to serve in his liquor cabinet. In a ceremony at his home in Carthage, attended only by empty Old Milwaukee cans and stuffed animals that used to belong to the Gore children, Gore praised the bottle of Popov as "a true friend to lean on in theshe hard thimes [*hic*]. Popov has been America'sh finest, mosht dependable vodka for getting 'faced in a hurry. His splashproof cap is the very [*hic*] very [*hic*] very model of the kind of effishin... effish'ncy that makes America great. Popov will serve me well... as... my... secretary of booze, in the... Great Country of Gore-ania!!!" Gore concluded the ceremony by spinning around the living room with a paper Burger King crown on his head and vomiting on Tipper's "Precious Moments" figurine collection. - Reported by Curtis Matthews ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BREAKING NEWS SEATTLE, WA (DPI) - Get it off me! Quick! Get it the fuck off me! - Reported by Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ WORD REFUSES TO LOOK RIGHT DETROIT, MI (DPI) - GM Executive Assistant Dorothy Hamilton, 42, announced today that the word "Combustible", which was used in a memo she composed on behalf of her boss Gerald Parker, just didn't look right. "I'm confused," the normally confident Hamilton stated. "According to the SpellChecker, it was spelled right, and I wrote it out several times by hand as well. I even checked my Webster's. But sitting there on the page, it just looks wrong for some weird reason." "It's the damndest thing," she added, shaking her head in bemusement. "It just looks... *wrong*!" Although the word "Combustible" was unavailable for comment, spokespeople for the word issued a statement assuring Hamilton that the word was spelled correctly. "Ms. Hamilton's use of the word is correct. The spelling is perfect and she uses it in the proper context. Grammatically, she's doing very well." The spokespeople added that they were saddened to hear that the word didn't look right, and would work with Hamilton to ease her mind. In a related story, Hamilton was reprimanded by Parker for spelling the word "color" wrong for the fifth consecutive time. "I don't give a rat's ass what the Brits and Cannucks say, there's no 'u' in 'color'!" - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Stuck for a last-minute gift? Give ClubTop5! The *PERFECT* holiday gift! * Keeps you on his/her mind for an entire year * Makes someone smile every weekday * Quick and easy to give, costs only 12 measly bucks * Fully assembled and batteries included http://www.topfive.com/gift.html =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== BUSH: "READ MY DAD'S LIPS: NO NEW TAX CUTS!" WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In the first in a series of planned attempts to "reach out" to the majority of the nation that did not vote for him, President-Elect George W. Bush began making plans to appease Democrat voters, some of whom feel disenfranchised. "I'm currently discussing with my cabinet various possibilities, such as not following through on that across-the-board tax cut I promised. That should make Democrats feel right at home." Democrats at the capital responded favorably. Said Rep. Nils Wonder, "Crushing voters' hopes for tax relief is a good start at reaching across the aisle. This is the kind of unifying effort that's going to make the difference between gridlock and progress." Bush, who was studying for a University of Phoenix Management correspondence midterm, could not be reached for comment. - Reported by LeMel =================================================================== [ FINANCE ] =================================================================== PUSSIES WRECK MY INVESTMENTS SNELLVILLE, GA (DPI) - In saving for retirement and in shorter term investing, I try to use proven techniques like dollar-cost averaging, searching for good buys based on growth projections, and inspecting Alan Greenspan's morning bucket of night soil. So we have established that I am smart and courageous. But then, right when things are going good, all the cowardly shitheads who buy stocks based on some fuckass formula that they read about in People Magazine start frantically selling to the lowest bidder. A herd mentality sets in, and not the good kind where, say, a bunch of zebras all gang-fuck a lady zebra with plump hindquarters but the bad kind where all the buffaloes run off a cliff. The idiot news media brilliantly detects "market jitters" when the DOW takes a 1000-point swan dive into a shot-glass full of dysentery. Soon my portfolio, once a cornucopia of delicious economic bounty, is a dusty relic not worth the price of the ink that it takes to print the monthly statement. Still I manage to open a window each night and shout a long raspy "Happy fucking holidays you asshole moron freaks!" - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2000, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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