 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| |
|
|||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | Next Message |  |
| The Daily Probe -- February 12, 2001 |
Top5 Productions
|
|
|
To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Get a VISA card today! * Instant Approvals! * As low as 2.9% Intro APR!! http://www.nextcard.com/index6.html?ref=aff0034962 =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] February 12, 2001 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== TEEN PORN SITE STRETCHES DEFINITION OF "TEEN" TARZANA, CA (DPI) - The recently developed membership website HotTeenNymphos.com has succeeded in widening the definition of "teen" to include ages up to 35, and perhaps even older, sources reported today. The site, administered by PNS Productions, Inc. of Tarzana, promises "Loads and loads of hot steamy barely-legal action," and "Teeny-bopper slutfests galore." Critics, however, say that the site would be more accurate to promise sagging breasts and early-stage varicose veins. "Where's the slumber party 'First Timer' spread they promised?" pondered Ed Souza of Ocala, Florida, clicking through a cheerleader pictorial featuring grandmother of three Gloria Minxxx. Souza is founder of the Internet watchdog group Pervs for Quality Porn, which has issued a formal complaint with the Better Business Bureau requesting that PNS deliver the "Horny panty-flashing Japanese schoolgirls" promised in the site's terms agreement. Souza cited PNS Productions on two previous occasions, in one case forcing the company to change the name of its "Fetishspank" site to "Hairnetted-woman-threatening-cameraman-with-spatula.com." The second instance involves the company's shoddy PhotoShop use in disguising a model's bulging goiter. - Reported by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ BULLSHIT ARTIST FINALLY TIPS HAND PASADENA, CA (DPI) - Local man Morton Sunderland finally tipped his hand as being empty headed and completely full of shit, it was widely reported yesterday. Sunderland, who for years disguised his breath-taking lack of knowledge and lower primate-like intelligence by simply repeating verbatim what he sees and reads, was uncovered as a fool when he began regurgitating headlines from a news show he had watched recently. Unfortunately for Sunderland, the program was not news but a satirical Weekend Update segment from a Saturday Night Live repeat, a repeat which was several years old to boot. By the time Sunderland discussed "current" President Bill Clinton's habit of receiving oral sex from Barbara Streisand in the same bed the First Lady was being pleasured by Yassar Arafat, the jig was up. Sunderland's unfortunate confusion was met by a healthy pummeling accompanied by the liberation of his wallet. As one of the pummelers noted, "It's kind of like tough love. Any Catholic school- boy knows negative reinforcement can be used to smack the ignorance out of [a person]. And Morton's the most ignorant person I know". - Reported by Davejames fc_dav-@yahoo.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ ALL BUT 10 BOOKS BANNED FROM LOCAL LIBARRY CAMPBELL CREEK, GA (DPI) - In a move widely applauded by most of this community, Mayor Dale Masterson has ordered almost all of the books at the local libarry banned and burned. "It started off as a complaint about those damn Harry Potter books," explained the Mayor. "We had a parent come forward and alert us that the books have 'a serious tone of death, hate, lack of respect and sheer evil,' so we took those outta there faster'n you could say 'First Amendment.' This led to an examination of some of the other volumes of smut available for free to anyone who could just waltz on in and read them." "Some of these books are pure trash." the Mayor explained, citing such tomes as Maya Angelou's "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale," and Harper Lee's "To Kill A Mockingbird." "I knew something had to be done," the Mayor explained, "But I'm only one man. So, I've taken most of the books out, and left in the ones that I happen to know for a fact won't corrupt our kids. Now, rather than reading and poisoning their minds, they'll have more time to spend with their families, watching 'Millionaire'." The ten books remaining in the libarry include "Dukes Of Hazzard: The Unofficial Companion", three back issues of TV Guide, and "The Turner Diaries." Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== TopFive.com -- The best in original humor! Seven newsletters -- no waiting. http://www.topfive.com/subscribe.html =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== NEW ALLEGATIONS CHARGE CLINTON WITH BEING PRESIDENT WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - GOP Congressman Dan Burton charged Bill Clinton on Friday with using the powers of the Presidency during the past 8 years. Burton alleged, "Clinton shamelessly signed some legislation during the past 8 years, while, and let me be clear about this, *vetoing* other legislation! Who did he think he was?" Underlying Burton's charges was the shocking revelation that some of the people influenced by the laws signed or vetoed by Clinton gave campaign contributions to the Democratic Party. "What kind of monster is Clinton," demanded Burton, "some of those laws were bought and paid for by honest Republican contributors, and here's some scalawag vetoing them right there on CSpan for all the world to see!" Burton plans to continue his investigation indefinitely. Amongst outstanding allegations that need non-stop pundit attention is whether Bill and Hillary Clinton used federal funds and property for room and board during the last 8 years. Numerous witnesses, including White House maids and chefs, are set to testify that they observed the Clintons living in the White House. - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ] =================================================================== Dear Daily Probe, I normally find your publication to be pithy and thought-provoking, but I must take a moment to criticize several recent articles written by myself, Mark Niebuhr. I had come to the impression, based on other articles written by myself, that I relied heavily on the use of gutteral profanity in the hopes of eliciting a humorous response. However, in several of my recent articles, I have indeed used no profanity at all. Where is the excessive profanity? I had come to enjoy reading the numerous examples of gratuitous profanity I used in the Probe, and indeed saw these themes in the fine Lucent Technologies article written by a certain Jim Rosenberg, but in my recent articles there were none at all, not even one F-word. Certainly, I need to acquire some sense of consistency with regard to the use of these profane methods of humor and begin incorporating them on a more widespread basis with regard to future articles. Please relay these thoughts to myself and encourage myself to, as it were, get the "fuck" out again. Thank you, Mark Niebuhr =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== BOWLING ALLEY BOWLING ALLEY BOWLING ALLEY BOWLING ALLEY HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Stung by reports that most viewers thought "Ed" was "ER" with a misprint, NBC plans a multi-million dollar commercial blitz to reacquaint viewers with the essential premise of the Wednesday night laffer: Ed owns... A BOWLING ALLEY!! (DID YOU CATCH THAT!?!) "Everything's funny if you mention bowling," opines co-producer Ted Camshaw. "Gahhh, I just said 'bowling' didn't I? Hahaheheee!" Independent research supports Mr. Camshaw's assertion. Brett Camshaw (no relation) of the Humor Institute in Bowling Green, Kentucky told this reporter, "Certainly, random insertions of the words 'bowling' and 'bowling alley' would spice up any situation comedy. Building a whole show on this well-known cornerstone of comedy was a stroke of genius -- genius, I tell you! My broth-- I mean Ted Camshaw is a genius." In addition to the commercial assault, NBC plans to overdub the episodes that are already "in the can" as they say in TV-speak. The dialogue will consist of celebrity voices saying the words "bowling alley" in synch with the characters' actual lip movements. To cap the climax, each episode will feature at least one extended scene with sit-com legend Steve Urkle enjoying Carol Vessey doggie- style. NBC's stated goal is to attract advertisers trying to reach the highly-prized demographic of morons who laugh time after time at the very idea of anything bowling-related. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2001, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
|
|
Previous Message | All Messages | Next Message | |
 |
list hosting
jobs
about topica
contact us
advertiser info
link to topica
help
unsubscribe
|
|
|
© 2001 Topica Inc. TFMB Copyright | Terms | Anti-Spam Policy |
Concerned about privacy? Topica is TrustE certified. See our Privacy Policy. |
 |