 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| |
|
|||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
|
||||||
| The Daily Probe |  |
 |
Previous Message | All Messages | Next Message |  |
| The Daily Probe -- March 1, 2001 |
Top5 Productions
|
|
|
To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 1, 2001 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== CONFUSED DEITY SMITES WRONG WASHINGTON WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A spokesbeing for the Creator of the Universe today admitted that yesterday's seismic event that struck the Seattle area was a mistake. "Well, this is embarrassing. Oops! Our bad," stated the approximately 100' tall white-robed flaming-sword-wielding visage of Michael the Archangel from the lawn in front of the Lincoln Monument. "The Big Guy has finally had it with the total corruption of the Democrats and raging hypocrisy of the GOP -- or is it the other way around? Whatever. And then he smites the *wrong* Washington! So, here I am, dressed like an idiot, with all these Beltway heathens laughing up their sleeves. Damn. And I don't say that lightly." While the U.S. Geological Survey first reported that massive shaking was an earthquake, Michael contradicted this. "Nah, the Big Guy would never be so obvious. Instead, he dropped a few voices into people's heads and convinced them to drink 10 times their normal amount of coffee -- especially those dark Starbucks roasts. A few minutes later, you have a giant wave of caffeine- fueled nervous energy smacking those heathens. The problem was that the Head Honcho forgot that he owns *two* Washingtons." The resulting tremor was felt as far north as British Columbia and as far south as Juan Valdez's Colombian plantation. "No doubt about it, we have Starbucks to thank for this," stated FDA spokesman Mark Brant, oblivious to The Creator's role in the havoc. "One more triple-mocha-espresso and the entire seaboard would've dropped into the ocean!" Red Cross efforts continue in the Northwest, providing medical assistance and non-caffeinated herbal tea. Michael dispelled rumors that God had intended to smite Bill Gates in reaction to Microsoft's efforts to overturn its court-ordered breakup. "No way -- a deal's a deal. Bill sold his soul to the Man Downstairs fair and square, and the Big Kahuna doesn't second- guess. Anyway, there's a spot in the Lake of the Treacherous and a dozen pitchfork packing demons waiting for Gates, which should be of some small comfort to you people when you need to reboot." - Reported by Ishmael Alighieri, Bill Wickart and Kevin Wickart ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ MILITARY RECONSIDERS UNTRAINED BOOB POLICY WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Pentagon officials announced today that they may need to look more closely at their policy of sometimes putting multi-billion dollar hardware into the hands of friendly but woefully-undertrained civilians. The announcement resulted from the recent sinking of a Japanese fishing boat near Pearl Harbor. The incident happened when one Dr. Jack Ryan decided to see how high he could make the nuclear sub USS Greeneville jump, in a desperate attempt to escape the vengeful pursuing Russian sub that wanted to destroy the secret super-quiet cavitation-equipped something-or-other of his submarine. The mishap resembles another incident wherein NASCAR's Bill Elliot caused the collision of two fighter jets during a celebrity ride- along, resulting in a mild case of whiplash for him and also the loss of a $100,000,000.00 piece of hardware. Other critics have also pointed to the recent loss of several Osprey jets, all coincidentally piloted by famous nude large-breasted models from Score magazine. Those critics have obviously never felt the heft of warm, succulent... excuse me, I'll be back in a few minutes. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== CLINTON DEFENDS GOTTI PARDON NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Former President Bill Clinton defended his controversial last-minute pardon of former mob boss John Gotti this morning to a group of reporters and Presidential Library fund- raisers. "I fully stand behind this pardon," explained the embattled former President. "I will admit that we completely forgot to do any sort of background check, which I have now learned that you're supposed to do every time you pardon someone, but that sort of thing happens when you're as busy as I was that night. Plus I was hopped up on Red Bull. Pardons are hard, man. You try being President and see if you do any better, smartass!" Clinton went on to explain his rationale with the Gotti pardon: "I think the most persuasive argument came from Mr. Gotti's lawyer, Mr. Vincent ['Vinnie Snake Eyes'] Colombo, who explained, 'He [John Gotti] wasn't even there when that thing happened to that guy that time. Fugettaboutit.' When I read that, I knew in my heart that the criminal prosecution of Mr. Gotti was wrong and that this whole 'mob' thing should have been investigated in civil court. And with that comment, I'd like to change the subject to foreign policy. Anyone? Anyone at all?" Clinton had no comment on the recent discovery that he now controls a full 25% of all New York-area "numbers racket" action. - Reported by Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ "MY TAX PLAN", By George W. Bush WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - "President" George W. Bush addressed Congress this week, detailing his multi-billion dollar tax plan. Here is the text of his speech: My tax plan will be good for America. My tax plan will lower taxes for every American. My tax plan will leave money for Social Security and Medicare. My tax plan will help those who most need it, the working families of this great country. My tax plan will not take more than a third of anyone's income, because my tax plan recognizes that it's just not fair to do so. My tax plan will eliminate the bottom twenty percent of wage earners from the tax rolls. Hopefully, these people, going through difficult times, will become productive members of society, overcoming obstacles and once again rejoining America as proud taxpayers, and my tax plan will welcome them, and offer refreshments. My tax plan will provide targeted cuts for our nation's farmers, who grow the grain and care for the livestock needed to feed my tax plan. My tax plan will make this country an economic powerhouse, able to roll over the economies of smaller, lesser countries, to which my tax plan will then claim title. Foreign leaders will wake up at night in a cold sweat, quivering in fear of my tax plan. Great wars will be fought in defense of my tax plan, and in vengeance. My tax plan will kick it old-style. My tax plan will contain exemptions for religious institutions. The only religious institution permitted under my tax plan will be the Vainglorious Church of My Tax Plan, the official church of my tax plan. My tax plan will require the sacrifice of hooved beasts. My tax plan will bring great horror down upon those who oppose it, or violate its myriad intricacies. My tax plan will heal the sick and raise the dead. My tax plan will sit in moral judgment of all who are covered by and worship it. My tax plan will live forever upon high. My tax plan will give a break to furriers. - Transcribed by Jesse Weiss =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Little Fivers! Top 5 humor lists on a variety of specific subjects, each published once a week. 28 subjects in all, and all FREE! Sign up for as many as you want at: http://www.topfive.com/mini.html =================================================================== [ PAT ON THE BACK! ] =================================================================== JORNALIST GOOD QUALITIES AWARD WON, BY DAILY PROBE LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - Staffers who work on the staff for the DP, which being the Daily Probe here what we work for, are in the process of being laudded by a Excellence in Jornalism group for the things written. Acording to the group, which was one of several involved in the event, being a luncheon held in honor of such an award. Said pleased recipient "We're very happy and honroed of which to be a part," he reported. Reportedly six awards were being won including Best, Overall Internet Publicatoin, it was reported. The DP said in a statement couldn't be happier [sic] with the winning - that we did of such an award. Also are the several awards the New York Post having won, according to the group. - Reportered by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== NOW-SOBER LUCAS REALIZES "EPISODE I" SUCKS SAN RAFAEL, CA (DPI) - Last Wednesday, director George Lucas recovered from a three-year-long drunken bender to discover that "Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace" "really blows." "He was in tears," said Lucasfilm producer Rick McCallum. "He kept asking, 'How did this happen?'" Working with Lucasfilm insiders, The Daily Probe has pieced together the answer: the production was doomed by Lucas's slurred, drunken speech. For example, the peculiar name "Qui Gonn Jinn" came from a ghostwriter's attempt to make sense of Lucas's repeated demands of "Need more gin." Jar Jar Bink's odd dialect is merely how George Lucas talks after a case of Heineken, transcribed faithfully into the script. "Yeah, it was crazy, but he's George freakin' Lucas, so what're you gonna say?" said one crewmember. Neither Lucas's alcoholism nor its deleterious effect on his work is unprecedented. A 1977 party celebrating the amazing box office results of the original "Star Wars" led to a year-long binge that ended in the howlingly bad "Star Wars Holiday Special" and "Star Wars on Ice." "We had an intervention," said director Steven Spielberg. "We had to sit him down and show him the footage. When Carrie Fisher started singing to the Wookiees... well, that's when George knew he had a problem." Online pundits have taken the news in stride. As Harry Knowles of "Ain't it Cool News" wrote: "'kay, forget about 'Star Wars.' 'Lord of the Rings' rulez!!! 'Lord of the Rings' will be the KICK-ASSiest movie EVER!!!!! YeAaAhhhh!" - Reported by Peter Rogers =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2001, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
|
|
Previous Message | All Messages | Next Message | |
 |
list hosting
jobs
about topica
contact us
advertiser info
link to topica
help
unsubscribe
|
|
|
© 2001 Topica Inc. TFMB Copyright | Terms | Anti-Spam Policy |
Concerned about privacy? Topica is TrustE certified. See our Privacy Policy. |
 |