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| The Daily Probe |  |
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| The Daily Probe -- March 8, 2001 |
Top5 Productions
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To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 8, 2001 =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== TALIBAN TO DESTROY BIG BOY STATUE MAKALAK, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - Afghanistan's ruling Muslim extremist Taliban sect is set to destroy Makalak's treasured Big Boy Restaurant statue, despite protests by world leaders. The 500-foot Big Boy statue is thought to be the world's largest free-standing Big Boy. "It has enormous cultural and religious significance," said Oxford Professor of Religion, Herman Chesterson, "it's loss would be tragic." Chesterson explained, "Besides the central place hamburger joints have in Western Civilization, this statute was constructed by a central Asian tribe, the Hamubergerstanis, that worshiped the Big Boy. Artifacts recovered by French anthro- pologists after the collapse of the Soviet Union, reveal that in tribute to the Big Boy, members of the Hamubergerstani tribe manipulated their bodies for generations, growing enormous cowlicks up to four-feet above their heads. Unfortunately, the last remaining Hamubergerstanis were killed during the Cola Wars of the 1980s, but their sacred Big Boy statue remains as a tribute to their devotion." Taliban leaders released a statement, saying, "There is no big boy but Allah, and Mohammed's cowlick is His cowlick. Mohammed's red overalls are also His overalls, and Mohammed's burgers were the tastiest." After destroying the Big Boy statue, Taliban officials plan to level all mountains in Afghanistan for their complete and utter failure to come to Mohammed. - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== HASBRO BLAMES FOURTH-QUARTER SHORTFALL ON "STINKING LITTLE BRATS" PAWTUCKET, RI (DPI) - Hasbro, Inc. (NYSE:HAS) announced today that fourth-quarter and full-year 2000 earnings would not meet analyst's expectations. The company expects 2000 earnings to be break-even at best before one-time tax restructuring charges, attributing the problem to a one-time writedown on asset sales and decreasing demand for Pokemon trading cards among the "pack of stinking grubby little brats" that supported the product during 1999. "2000 was a dismal year, particularly in our Playskool division, due to the whining, booger-nosed crybabies in our 5-7 year old boys segment, who responded poorly to our new products," said Alan Hassenfeld, Hasbro's Chairman and CEO. "They didn't even play with the boxes, the little bastards." Alfred Verrecchia, President and Chief Operating Officer, said, "We fully expect to recapture the key 8-12 year-old market, who acted like a bunch of crazy good-for-nothing hooligans to us, especially in the second half of the year. I assure you, we'll get those little shits buying our Super Soakers, even if we have to whip their impudent little behinds." As a result of the earnings decline, the company also announced that its cash dividend has been reduced from $0.06 per share quarterly to $0.03 per share, for which shareholders of record can blame the shrieking horde of poo-stained Kool Aid-drinking little goblins that call themselves "customers." - Reported by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Fun E Humor .com ~ ~ ~ http://FunEHumor.com An ever growing collection of the daily jokes & funny graphics that circulate the net, in one neat, complete & 100% FREE site! HUMOR CATEGORIES SUCH AS: Men, Women & Sex, Stupid People, Darwin Awards, Redneck, Travel, Drinking, Politics, Kids, Computers & Internet, Workplace & MORE! =================================================================== [ SPORTS ] =================================================================== LEAFS SUCK, MAN TORONTO, CANADA (DPI) - Longtime Toronto resident and Toronto Maple Leaf fan Derek Turnbull released a statement Sunday night remarking, among other things, that "The Leafs totally suck lately," and "I don't know why I bother with those goddamn amateurs." The statement, released to nobody in particular at the far end of the bar at Noceri's Tavern. came on the heels of a crushing 6-4 Maple Leaf loss to the Chicago Blackhawks. "Only the fucking Leafs would blow a 2 goal lead in the third period. God, I hate them." Asked to comment, Toronto Maple Leafs Head Coach and General Manager Pat Quinn issued an apology to Turnbull. "Mr. Turnbull is absolutely right. We do suck. We suck large. We suck like a hooker at a Shriners convention. On behalf of the organization, I would like to apologize directly to Mr. Turnbull and assure him that we are doing everything in our power to stop sucking." Team Captain Mats Sundin added, "If it weren't for die-hard fans like Turnbull, who still keep on watching and believing in us even though we haven't won the Stanley Cup in more than 30 years, we would have no motivation to stop sucking. So I give my personal guarantee that, no matter what else happens, this team will cease to suck within the next 10 to 15 years, so that we may win another championship before his liver gives out." Asked to comment, Turnbull admitted the comments by Quinn and Sundin may well have been figments of his drunken imagination. - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== KID REFUSES TO SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Havoc reigned on the set of Bill Cosby's backtalk-themed show, "Kids Say the Darndest Thing", when Damien Omenowsky III of Wichita Kansas came to visit. "He looked perfect, but his filmed session in Cos's office was a disaster," said rattled producer James Edgerton. "Bill was working his ass off to make the kid laugh but he just sat there staring. It was unnerving. Then Bill switched to Plan B, which is to pretend he's confused about normal things like desk drawers and light switches so the kid has to explain it to him. Not a twitch out of Damien, even when Bill started eating a potted philodendron for lunch. The kid ain't human." Seeking to salvage the child's visit, producers decided to try him in the ultimate test of sass-back-ability, the mano-a-mano of impish rudeness in which three children are placed on high stools in front of an audience and egged on by Cosby to "act cute." "We've put quiet kids in the Gladiator segment before, sure," says Edgerton. "Usually all it takes is a snicker from the audience and before you know it little Mister Shy Boy is up slam dancing like M. C. freakin' Hammer. Not Damien... the kid just stared at Cos with an unnatural calm that barely concealed a bottomless eternal horror. Cos freaked out and shoved a Jell-O Pudding Pop up his own ass, right in front of everybody. You never saw Art Linkletter do that, did you?" Production of the show has been suspended until the gates of Hell can be properly sealed. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2001, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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