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| The Daily Probe -- March 23, 2001 |
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To unsubscribe: Send a message to probe-uns-@topica.com =================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] March 23, 2001 =================================================================== [ WORLD NEWS ] =================================================================== MIR SPACE STATION CRASHES TO EARTH; COSMONAUT MISSING MOSCOW, RUSSIA (DPI) - Former Mir cosmonauts and key members of Russia's space program gathered today in Moscow to reminisce and celebrate the space station's 15 years of service, after it descended in a fireball into the South Pacific. In attendance were all 104 men and women who served on the station, except for veteran Lieutenant Yuri Dankovich, whose absence was the source of much speculation. "Have you seen Yuri?" asked former Mir captain Igor Nabokov, who served on the station for six months in 1991. "We kind of lost touch. I thought he came back with Slava and Valery back in May '94." "I thought he came back with YOU," countered wide-eyed Commander Sergei Volta, '93. "Hey, has ANYONE here seen Yuri???" - Reported by Travis Ruetenik Trav-@hawaii.rr.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ CRACK STILL BAD SAN DIEGO, CA (DPI) - It didn't take long, but the USDA rejected Cali Cartel Cereals claim that crack is a dietary supplement, therefore scuttling the planned launch of their children's cereal "Crackey Ohs!" The USDA did concede the additive gave children a temporary burst of energy and life, somewhat less sustained than that caused by an average cereal's sugar content. However, they also pointed to life time of addiction, crime and prostitution, and very reluctantly rejected the application. The agency however, is holding onto 2,349 boxes of the cereal for further study. - Reported by Davejames fc_dav-@yahoo.com ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER SCOLDS AMERICANS: "STOP YOU MAKING FUNNY OF HOW WE TALK!" GINZA, TOKYO, JAPAN (DPI) - In their first meetings as the heads of state for the largest and second largest economies in the world, Japanese Prime Minister Mori spoke formally with President George W. Bush in Ginza yesterday. Prime Minister Mori implored President Bush to pressure America and America's entertainment industry to "Stop you making funny of how we talk! We not set you up the bomb, it was you who bomb us. We no hate America, we send you Power Rangers, Toyotas and sushi bar, why you make funny of how we talk?" Presidential Japanese Cultural Advisor Elieen Lelani informed reporters, "For many month, American make funny about how Japanese people talk. Not happy in country of Japan, many people want stop. I love American culture, I shop at Jackoff Violence American Clothing story in Tokyo, I buy cowboy boot and be John Wayne. Why you make funny about how we talk?" President Bush replied, "It is a good thing, meeting, this meeting is a good affirmation in our faith in each of us to carry our weight, and our brothers weight. We were quite disturbed by your recent pronouncements about 'all of our bases belonging to you' and 'Launch every Zig for great justice!' At first, we assumed you had secretly re-militarized and we resuming your Imperialist ways, but in time we grew to understand you were under attack by giant space robot cats. This made, somehow, more sense to us." President Bush then threw up on the Prime Minister, who remarked, "Oh, no! No again!" - Reported by Ross Brown ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ LOCAL BOY WENT PEE ALL BY HIMSELF EDMONTON, ALBERTA, CANADA (DPI) - Shoppers at the West Edmonton Mall were overjoyed upon hearing the news that toddler Jeffery Lewis, 2, went pee all by himself earlier today. "Mom! Guess what!" exclaimed a jubilant Lewis in the middle of Eaton's Department Store, "I went potty with Daddy and I went pee ALL BY MYSELF! I'm a big boy now!" The boy's father, Tim Lewis, went on to quietly explain to his wife Lydia that Jeffrey had, in fact, urinated in the store bathroom with little assistance. "I stood him on the seat and held onto him while he went," whispered a red-faced Lewis as his son paraded around the women's wear section of the store, proudly boasting to every shopper he encountered, "I can pee all by myself!" "We're very proud of our son. This is a big step in his road to full manhood," explained Lydia, careful not to make eye contact with anybody and hiding her face with her hair, while her son paraded around her loudly trumpeting, "I went pee pee! I'm a big boy I went pee pee!" Sadly, the event was marked with tragedy when the tot -- excited by his accomplishments -- wet himself. - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== You will ALWAYS find a runner-up entry that you think is funny enough to make the list. - Bob Williams ClubTop 5 is a ray of fun every day. I've been a subscriber from the beginning and it's never failed to make me laugh at least once. - Lonnie Falk ClubTop5: A buck a month, a laugh a minute! Learn more at http://www.topfive.com/html/ClubTop5.htm =================================================================== [ POLITICS ] =================================================================== LIBERAL HOT AIR SOLVES ENERGY CRISIS WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - President George W. Bush announced Thursday that he has an ingenious solution to the nation's shortage of affordable energy. The President has proposed that all leftists be outfitted with a jaw-operated electrical generator connected to discharged batteries. Then the President will make a single daily announcement of a new Republican plan, and the resulting 24 hours of yammering by the outraged liberals will generate a steady trickle of energy that will fully charge the batteries. The good-of-the-many-loving liberals will then gladly deliver the batteries to their local electrical co-op where their stored energy will be fed into the grid at no cost to consumers. To ensure the success of "Operation Jawbone of an Ass", Paul Begala has been hired to write the opposition mantras for the confounded leftists to chant after each Republican announcement, and Stephen King has been hired to flesh out the mantras to the length required to fully charge the batteries. Alec Baldwin has been asked to remain on emergency alert, in case energy levels fall too low. - Reported by Chris Jones ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ STUDY SHOWS MEDIA NOT BIASED; BUSH ACTUALLY STUPID WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A study by the Consortium of Left Wing Newspapers has concluded that there is in fact no liberal bias in the media, it only looks that way because George W. Bush actually is stupid. Said Consortium founder, Lefty LaRue, "We've examined the media coverage of every speech Bush has given and every policy statement issued in his name, and the coverage was actually quite generous. The man is a total moron. I'm not just talking knuckle- dragger, here, I mean he actually has trouble with his opposable thumbs. I don't think he's even aware of the existence of the United States government. He seems to be operating under the belief that his father left him with Dick Cheney as a baby-sitter, and that he is building a fort out of couch cushions." Media critics point to recent articles implying that Bush is a lap dog of industrial polluters. LaRue responded, "Is it accurate to say that Bush is their lap dog? Frankly, no. Butt-monkey is more like it. Butt-monkey who'll sell your children's sand-box to DuPont for toxic waste disposal is even more like it. His aides tell him the chemicals help the kids pass their standardized tests. The man is that dumb." When reached for comment, Bush press secretary Ari Fleisher said, "We won Florida." - Reported by Slick Sharkey =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Tuesday 13th March Does anyone else tire of the rush to jump on the bandwagon to thrust this worthless Oscar into Julia Roberts' conniving, rat-like hands? Actually, she has quite big hands, and I can tell you from unpleasant memory that they are rather cold and patchy ones at that. She just KNOWS that she's coming into a Gwyneth Paltrow-style payday soon and this morning, drinking my orange juice in my kitchen, waiting for me to actually turn off the Gladiator DVD and go out and play tennis, she actually pre-gloated and did some preliminary poultry inventorying. This was too much, even for an old false friend like me. "You seem to have hit on a winning formula," I said to her, barely concealing a look of disgust. "You decided to act like the tightly-wound, menacing bitch we all know you to be in these movies and have finally found your reward on earth." She oiled up one of those patented J. Roberts *bleep you* smiles and I felt I had to push it. I couldn't help myself. "And what the hell is it with your mouth, anyway?" No man ever spent a Fuji flat-screen TV better or more wisely: a banjo-sized tennis racket whizzed past my ear and, in a trice, the shrubbery- guzzling Emperor Commodus vaporized in a hail of circuitry smoke and a bushel of deconstructed glass. Worse, at the club, she beat me three sets to two. There was a once a dream that was Hollywood. I will be boycotting the Oscar ceremony this year. And I bet that horrible, horrible girl thanks me first. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2001, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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