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| The Daily Probe |  |
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| The Daily Probe -- April 5, 2001 |
Top5 Productions
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=================================================================== [ --== TopFive.com Presents ==-- ] [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] [ All the News THEY Don't Want You To Know About ] ------------------------------------------------------------------- [ Satire! Comedy! Legal Disclaimer! Satire! Comedy! ] =================================================================== Please attach the following line to any forwarded portions: [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White in-@dailyprobe.com ] April 5, 2001 =================================================================== [ DOMESTIC NEWS ] =================================================================== AMERICANS STRUCK BY FOOD-IN-MOUTH DISEASE WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that Food-in-Mouth disease is officially out of control in this county, with 13 out of every 10 Americans now considered overweight. "It's absolutely nuts," said CDC chief Myron Helms. "Americans are eating more than ever before. We may have to destroy millions of them if this doesn't stop." According to the CDC, the problem is threefold: bad food, huge portions, and the inability to do anything in moderation. "A typical office worker begins their day with a cheese Maxi-Danish and a 30 oz. coffee, and it's just downhill from there," Helms said. "For lunch, a couple of MegaBurritos, an Supersized order of UltraFries and a 1-gallon HumongoGulp soft drink. Dinner? Let's not even go there. It's not unusual for an average American to consume 150,000 calories a day, including 20,000 grams of fat. That's approximately 250 times the average in France or Italy, and is actually enough to sustain a family of hippopotami for a more than a week." Food-in-Mouth disease has also caused severe swelling in the bottled soft drink industry, enlarging a bottle of soda pop from 8 oz. back in the 60's to the current 20 oz. standard. "There's no end in sight," said Helms. "The mouths open, the food goes in. It simply can't be stopped. Now excuse me while I visit the vomitorium." - Reported by Tristan Fabriani ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ JEWISH SKINHEAD KICKS OWN ASS CLEVELAND, OH (DPI) - Police were called to 234 Southbend Crescent her early yesterday to break up a savage hate-motivated, single- person beating. In custody is self-mutilator Mark Richmond, a member of the neo-Nazi Southbend skinhead gang, who apparently learned late Monday that he was in fact adopted from a Jewish family. "We told him his real name is Moishe Lowenstein," says father David Richmond. "He took it pretty hard. He stayed up all night drinking and around 6 this morning we heard him yelling at himself. But we never thought it would lead to this." Apparently Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein began cursing himself and accused himself of being part of a "worldwide Jew conspiracy." His abuse then escalated into punching and face scratching until he finally threw himself through a first story kitchen window. "Glass was everywhere. We're really shaken by this," says his adoptive mother Helen. "And being a Jew, I doubt he'll pay for it. You know how those people are." Mr. Richmond-Lowenstein is currently being held in protective custody after vowing there would be trouble "if I ever see myself around here again." - Robert Payne ------ ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ------ SUPREME COURT TO MAFIA: "WOMEN CAN BE 'MADE' TOO" WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In an historic ruling this morning, the Supreme Court sided with would-be-mafiosa Maria Santino, agreeing with Santino that the Mafia's long-standing practice of admitting only males to the highest echelons of the Mob comprises organizational gender discrimination. "This is a great moment," commented Santino on the 7-2 ruling, with Justices Thomas and Scalia dissenting. "My boyfriend Rico is already a Made Man, and I was all like, 'I wanna be made too!' Then he goes 'Oh, I'll make you alright,' but then he was lying 'cause we just had sex. Anyhow, I talked to a couple of shysters and a few months later, blammo! I get to be a Capo! Yay!" The historic decision was heavily criticized by Gambino crime family lawyer Vincent "Vinnie Snake Eyes" Colombo, who described the decision as a "goddamn fuck job" and invited all Justices with the exception of Thomas and Scalia to "go fuck themselves." Added Colombo: "What the fuck kinda bullshit do I gotta put up with over here? Holy fucking shit, the Boss is gonna fucking kill me when I tell him about this shit. Motherfucker! Oh, fuckin' fugettaboutit." Santino's future plans include a Mafia initiation for her close friends, Carla Bennadetto and Susan Andolini, as well as producing custom t-shirts and leather jackets proclaiming, "I'm a Made Woman! Fuck you, civilian!" - Reported by Mark Niebuhr http://www.mp3.com/PlateOShrimp =================================================================== [ ACTUAL ADVERTISEMENT ] =================================================================== Little Fivers! Top 5 humor lists on a variety of specific subjects, each published once a week. 28 subjects in all, and all FREE! Sign up for as many as you want at: http://www.topfive.com/mini.html =================================================================== [ JOURNALISM ] =================================================================== PROBE REPORTER COMES CRAWLING BACK TO US LIKE A BITCH TORONTO, CANADA (DPI) - Daily Probe reporter Greg Preece, who annoyed staffers and editors alike with his dreams of journalistic excellence and threats to take his talents elsewhere, came slithering back like an ashamed slug today after a job interview with a rival news service proved to be a farce at best. Preece, best known for his 5-part expose on "faux-cheddar" cheese, had moaned like a baby for months about how the Probe had been holding him back, and that he was meant for "far, far greater things." This proved to be a big lie when his audition for internet news service Naked News (www.nakednews.com) crashed and burned so badly it made the Hindenberg disaster look like a church barbecue. "We had high hopes for Mr. Preece when we spoke with him by phone," said Nude News manager Brian Anderson. "But when we saw him in person, it was like 'Oh, dude! You have to be kidding me!'" The service, which features news summaries read by hosts who gradually disrobe until naked, was deemed a poor fit for the Probe reporter, who, according to Anderson, looked "Kind of like the love child of Woody Allen and Tom Arnold. Oh my god -- who wants to see that?" Daily Probe editor Chris White, upon hearing of Preece's embarrassment, commented through fits of raucous laughter, "Stop! My ribs!" - Reported by Greg Preece the_untouc-@aintitcoolmail.com =================================================================== [ SHOWBIZ ] =================================================================== BABS SELLS ANTIQUES, BROLIN, FOR CHARITY HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - There was a whiff of white slavery in the air last weekend when the charity antique auction at Barbra Streisand's mansion turned into a man-meat market. The problem started early in the morning when the Christie's auction setup team came to prepare the furniture and other aged objects for the sale. Rugged Streisand spouse James Brolin happened to be standing near a 1750 lowboy hutch, and he was inadvertently tagged and entered into the auction catalog. Guests who arrived early to view the goods were quick to notice Lot #48: "Thoroughly-whipped pajama-clad white male in slippers, circa 1937; startled facial expression; fair condition; leather surface reconditioned approx. 8 years ago." Brolin demonstrated the facial expression again when he was later placed on the auction block. His cries of "Babs, WHY!?!" went unanswered by the suddenly Sphinx-like chanteuse-cum-mogul. The asking price was $5,000, but a bidding war quickly pushed the price into the stratosphere. Competing for Babs' leftovers were Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson, and a syndicate made up of the renowned fertile sperm-hounds Jodie Foster, Melissa Etheridge, and Rosie O'Donnell. All the players had deep pockets but ultimately Brolin, his pajamas, and the 1750 lowboy hutch were packaged for delivery to Jackson's Neverland Ranch. - Reported by Chris Jones =================================================================== [ FEATURES ] =================================================================== MOTH'S DIARY ------------ Friday 31th March I cannot for the life of me imagine how a cow gets its hoof into its' mouth. Perhaps they are trying futilely to pick their noses, like dumb beasts, this being cold and flu season after all, and miss by a few inches. And what exactly was the intent of those who would change the beloved name of Hoof-in-mouth disease to Foot-and-mouth? It sounds like a conspiracy that warrants a full-page paid advertisement in the Probe by David Horowitz. I do believe that if I ever came across a cow with its hoof in its mouth, lying on a windswept plain, yowling in cow-agony, that I would be hard-pressed not to put it out of its misery and then fool around with its brains. =================================================================== [ The Daily Probe is a Top5 publication ] [ Copyright 2001, Chris White ] [ --- --- --- --- ] [ Please forward this message only in its entirety. ] [ Radio and television programs, magazines and newspapers ] [ *must* receive permission before using this material. ] =================================================================== [ P R O B E I N F O ] [ -------------------- ] [ To kvetch at the editor: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ To kvell at the owner: Send mail to chr-@topfive.com ] [ --- --- --- --- --- --- ] [ Got a nasty itch to show off your wit and barbed tongue? ] [ Write for The Probe! Send mail to writ-@dailyprobe.com ] =================================================================== TOP5 PRODUCTIONS The Home of Original Humor www.topfive.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Top 5 List (original lists) top5-su-@topica.com Top5 Classic (greatest hits) top5classic-@topica.com Ruminations (odd thoughts) ruminations-@topica.com The Daily Probe (news satire) probe-su-@topica.com The Whack Report (real stories) whack-su-@topica.com The Kid Report (kid stories) kidreport--@topica.com Gadget Geek (cool stuff) gadgetgeek-@topica.com =================================================================== [ T H E D A I L Y P R O B E ] =================================================================== 
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