April 29, 1999
OK, you've missed your favorite antique appraisal show, and you are understandably upset. Calm down. We have a transcript from last night's episode:Scene: A silver-haired man in a grey suit with a very dark blue shirt is on your left. He is our expert appraiser, Wilson Lammaker. On your right is a bald gentleman in a tan London Fog jacket worth about 27 cents. On the table in front of them is an object awaiting appraisal.
Lammaker (his grin shifting rapidly between the object and the old man): I must admit that when we came to Georgia I expected to spend most of the day appraising banjoes and blue tick coon hounds. Therefore I was delighted when I saw you in line with this treasure. Why don't you tell us about it?
Man: It's a hot dog.
Lammaker: Yes, and how long has this been in your family.
Man: Oh...five minutes.
Lammaker: An heirloom. And why don't you share with our audience the story of how it came into your possession.
Man: They're selling them right outside. I felt hungry on the way in, so I bought it. To eat. It's not an antique.
Lammaker: History speaks to us through possessions like this. Why don't we take a closer look (camera zooms in on hot dog). If you look closely you'll see a somewhat jagged strip of bread along the bottom of the bun. This could be caused by moths, or perhaps by erosion. It's definitely a show piece, and it may have been left outside for some time.
Man: Well, the guy kind of ripped it out of the package.
Lammaker: You're not an expert, old man. Continuing, we see that the weiner sticks out about an inch on not just one but both ends of the bun. This delightful detail helps us to date this piece. Would you care to guess how old it is?
Man: Five minutes.
Lammaker: You frightful boor. This hot dog is at least 400 years old. This style was popularized by Abodocious Reynaldo in 1599, and he only made one like it. So this is the one. Note how the green diamonds are placed in a winsomely carefree zigzag pattern.
Man: That's not diamonds, that's relish.
Lammaker: And the gold trim is laid on almost like string, with a double loop-back at both ends that is very Reynaldo-esque.
Man: Gold? That's mustard.
Lammaker: Have you ever had it appraised?
Man: Well...
Lammaker: Shut up now. Condition-wise, it's almost perfect. There's a bit of a gouge at one end. I've conferred with several colleagues here at the show, and we agree that this gouge was caused by the musket ball that killed Crispus Attucks at the start of the Revolutionary War. He must have had it in his pocket when he was shot. We'll never know how he came to own a hot dog which by that time was almost two hundred years old.
Man: That's not a gouge. I took one little bite before you dragged me over here.
Lammaker: God, I hate to think of expensive things like this sitting on some dusty shelf in your no doubt revolting workshop. Tell us, how much did you pay for this? Quite a lot I'm sure, pant pant.
Man: I just paid 75 cents for it.
Lammaker: I think you're going to be happy with your investment. We say that to make old people feel crafty. It really is a unique piece, and I hesitate to assign an exact value. Based on similar but less exquisite pieces that have sold in recent years, I would expect this piece to bring not less than six quintillion dollars at auction. I've just made you a rich man. Do NOT get that rheumy look in your eyes and declare that you love owning it and you're going to take it home and enjoy it forever. I know you're going to sell it. Admit it.
Man: I'm going to eat it.
Lammaker: Fine. Enjoy your six quintillion dollar snack.